“I don’t know what the facts are but somebody’s certainly going to sit down with him and find out what he knows that they may not know, and make sure he knows what they know that he may not know, and that’s a good thing. I think it’s a very constructive exchange.”
- Donald Rumsfeld, today, on the soldier who complained about inadequate equipment in Iraq
_________________________________________________
INT. US PLANE, HIGH ABOVE INDIA
[Rumsfeld sits at his on-board desk, shuffling papers. His assistant enters.]
ASSISTANT: Secretary Rumsfeld, General Barkley is here to discuss the troops’ equipment complaints.
RUMSFELD: Great, show him in… Ah, General Barkley. Good to see you.
BARKLEY: Thank you, sir. Thanks for the opportunity.
RUMSFELD: Not at all. Dialog is good. Now, is there anything to that soldier’s claim that they’re ‘digging up scrap metal’ to armor their vehicles?
BARKLEY: Well, yes, Mr. Secretary. There seems to be a problem with-
RUMSFELD: - yes. But the problem that there seems to be may in fact be a problem that isn’t that which it seems, am I right?
BARKLEY: Um, in general, I suppose. But the fact -
RUMSFELD: -of course. Now, I want to make it clear to you that there are several known supply-related problems and quite possibly - if what I’m hearing is correct - at least a few unknown supply-related problems, yes?
BARKLEY: Er… yes -
RUMSFELD: NO! Because my very conversation yesterday effectively transformed at least one hitherto unknown problem into a known problem, or at least a known alleged problem, and therefore lessened the number of difficulties that we know we don’t know about.
BARKLEY: …
RUMSFELD: Well?
BARKLEY: …yes?
RUMSFELD: Aha! No! The reason that you’re here, general, is to share with me what is known about the now-known problem and also to present, as always, any problems that I don’t know so that I can know them and thereby not not know them anymore, while you, in turn, must endeavor to determine what I know as far as what is known to be a known problem and thus be in a position to inform me about what you know I don’t know.
BARKLEY: We don’t have enough armored vehicles in Iraq.
RUMSFELD: What?
BARKLEY: Iraq. We don’t have enough armored vehicles. That’s a problem.
RUMSFELD: And this is a known problem, personally, to you, knowledge-wise?
BARKLEY: Yeah. We’ve…. sent memos.
RUMSFELD: Good! Well, now that I know about this and I know that you know that this known problem is for a given value of truth “true,” now we can discuss who knows we know what we know and who else may not know but may need to know this unknown in order to take the action that addresses this now-probably-known-to-be-valid concern.
BARKLEY: Couldn’t you just issue an order?
RUMSFELD: I beg your pardon?
BARKLEY: You know, couldn’t you just say “Hey, get a bunch more armored vehicles into Iraq right away!” Wouldn’t that take care of it?
RUMSFELD: Yes, in theory. But only if I knew that you knew that no known problem was knowable to the knowers who knew the new known knowledge was known to the need-to-knows who unknowingly didn’t know the new knowns but now know the knowns and yet now know no new unknown norms.
BARKLEY: ….
RUMSFELD: Can you assure me of that, General?
BARKLEY: Um. I don’t know.
RUMSFELD: Good! Well, work on it and get back to me. Good to talk to you, General. Communication is vital, of course.
BARKLEY: Uh…
RUMSFELD: Good day, General.
BARKLEY: But - I……. thank you, Mr. Secretary.
[Barkley exits. Rumsfeld returns to his papers. The well-armored plane continues to move towards India.]
Fanny Roborat
28 comments
Trackback from SimianBrain - Rummy's Rant
December 10, 2004 at 11:11 am
Trackback from RelentlesslyOptimistic - Rumsfeld Quotes Again
December 15, 2004 at 8:31 am
gardenbearMN
December 9, 2004 at 4:13 pm
1wow.
tim
December 9, 2004 at 4:17 pm
2The one thing I know is, Specialist Thomas Wilson is going to have a very unmerry Christmas.
norbizness
December 9, 2004 at 4:47 pm
3I needed my own Rumsfeldian crib notes back in the day; I would have never failed that midterm philosophy exam on Wittgenstein.
But the F.A. Rumsfeld needs more Mamet: he could insert progressively annoying phrases like “The armor”, “You were speaking just now… [long pause].”, and “The armor of which you were speaking [pause]. Yes [long pause].”
Landis
December 9, 2004 at 5:41 pm
4Okay so the stuff below the line of dashes is Adam’s satire, correct?
Please, oh please, tell me that the stuff in bold at the top and somehow quoted by Reuters and linked to by Yahoo is also some wonderful satire by Adam… Please? Anyone?
Marg
December 9, 2004 at 6:05 pm
5It was W’s attributed remarks in the linked article that made me sit up and go “huh?”
Sez prez: “And if I were a soldier overseas, wanting to defend my country, I’d want to ask the secretary of defense the same question.”
Frankly, if I wanted to defend my country, overseas would be the wrong place to be, for one, and for two, I’m pretty sure _my_ first question to the Sec. of Defense would be, “What the eff are we all doin’ over HERE?! Sir. And what the hell does it have to do with defense?”
Jerry
December 9, 2004 at 6:15 pm
6Adam - Yossarian couldn’t have explained it better! Brilliant.
Landis - Of course it’s part of the satire…I mean…if you took it seriously, you would have to read it as, “We’re going to lean on this little squeal-pig, tell him what to believe, let him know that the good ol’ US of A is 10,000 miles away and even though everyone there has seen the “expediants” the troops there have had to use, like sand-bagging the troop carriers, we are not about to let on it is true, and therefore, what this contemptible whine-boy thinks he knows, just because he is there under fire, isn’t what we know, and if he ever wants to see home again, he had better agree our “exchange” will have been damned “constructive!!”
Jerry
December 9, 2004 at 6:29 pm
7Remeber, norbizness, “Wittgenstein was a beery swine…”
And that wasn’t just Monty Python’s opinion:
“I shall either remain a swine or else I shall improve”
Wittgenstein
Mamet? Good, but personally I see more absurdist tendencies in the administration, say George Coe (De Düva).
Murray
December 9, 2004 at 8:09 pm
8As we used to say in college,
Is knowledge knowable? And if not how do you know?
Can you imagine? a grunt questioning the secretary on something as irritating as troop safety? “Goddammit! Things are going swimmingly and the troops love us, how did this miscreant get in here?”
As far as I can tell, the greatest patriots are our soldiers fighting to defend our freedom and bring democracy to the Sadam ravaged land of Iraq. -Unless they question the administration.
Oh, and you’re a hero if you served in the armed forces unless you run for office as a democrat (or even a republican - Mc Cain) in which case you are a war criminal.
Bob
December 9, 2004 at 8:21 pm
9I’m going to be magnanimous and solve this equipment shortage by volunteering to send to Iraq every Humvee in the Bay Area. Which, if the informal survey I’ve taken at the local malls is any indication, is about twice as many as are currently in Iraq.
Don’t think they’re armored, though, unless Carnuba Wax is more substantial than I’ve been led to believe.
Rusty
December 10, 2004 at 12:15 am
10What’s that line from the Princess Bride? “Never argue with a Sicilian.”
b
December 10, 2004 at 12:34 am
11ha ha
this is all kinds of funny
like vietnam kind of funny
ha ha ha haa
pjk
December 10, 2004 at 3:41 am
12Adam, you’re positioning yourself to replace Dr. Seuss with this “Fox In Socks” style of commentary.
Lynne
December 10, 2004 at 10:36 am
13My favorite part of this was the collective intake of breath by all the soldiers in attendece after the Thomas Wilson questioned Rumsfeld and then the applause.
It seems that Wilson spoke for all the soldiers to the dismay of Rumsfeld.
The more incompetent you are in this administration; the more secure your job is.
bri
December 10, 2004 at 11:08 am
14I didn’t know……
Mary
December 10, 2004 at 1:36 pm
16How absurd: the National Guard in Tennessee told NPR that there have been no orders to reprimand the soldier. Right! Like they were going to do it when the guy is in Iraq.
However, turns out there were numerous other “embarrassing” questions by the soldiers. They just weren’t reported. Also, and this is just great, ABC reported on the question last night and asked the armored HumVee production folks what was up. They told ABC that they are no where near production capacity and “weren’t asked” to be. Hmmmmmm.
ABM
December 10, 2004 at 2:45 pm
17Rusty - “never argue with a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line. hahahahahahaha . .. . . . .
Dan Forester
December 10, 2004 at 4:54 pm
18I’d believe that exchange except for one crucial detail…Rumsfeld famously eschews the seated position while working. He prefers to stand. See the link: http://www.defenselink.mil/photos/Sep2003/030911-F-2828D-193.html
Ananna
December 10, 2004 at 6:25 pm
19This is all John Kerry’s fault for not voting for the appropriations bill.
What? Oh, the election’s over?
Curse you John Kerry for not winning so everyone can’t blame these things on you! Look what you’ve made poor Rummy resort to: Do you know how many times he has to wave his hands to speak one of those long paragraphs!?!? Poor man’s going to get arthritis.
Rick Schmitz
December 10, 2004 at 11:15 pm
20I remember George Will prasing Rummy early in term 1 for being a man who (surprisingly)”speaks in complete sentences”.
I think he meant “double-speaks in complete sentences”.
tess
December 11, 2004 at 3:38 am
21I know what some soldiers want for Christmas! It’s time for the annual donation drive to collect new and used personal armor for our troops! Yes, folks, I can see it now — the millitary becoming the next PBS filled with pledge drives, asking for donations of ceramic and kevlar body armor, and armor plating for humvees! So let’s support our troops, folks! And if you’re complaining that “It’s being paid for by the federal gov’t, just like PBS,” then obviously you don’t know where your money’s going!
Wow, I’ve just become a lot angrier and more bitter these past 4 years . . .
Tracey
December 11, 2004 at 1:41 pm
22The Sicilian also says, “Never get into a land war in Asia.” Inconceivable.
tess…I can completely relate to your anger and bitterness. Sigh.
Jerry
December 11, 2004 at 2:00 pm
23When you apply the word “inconceivable” to any action of this administration, “I do not think it means what you think it means.”
Jerry
December 11, 2004 at 2:04 pm
24Rusty and abm -
“Never go in against a Sicilian, when death is on the line.”
g
December 12, 2004 at 10:21 am
25Ahhh, the Spam’s back.
Sadly enough that add seems more coherent than Rumsfeld.
Rusty
December 12, 2004 at 11:01 am
26Good point. The spam leaves no ambiguity. Its clear message is an ironic juxtaposition to the topic at hand. Remove the embedded links and it makes an appropriate satiristic post.
Damn! OK. I can’t find my Iocaine powder. Which one of youse took it?
weblackey
December 12, 2004 at 1:27 pm
27Who’s on first? No, Who is on… Aww, screw it. Yes, sir, you’re right.