From ABC News (via Eschaton) -
Among some conservative Christians, there is a belief that President Bush received a “moral mandate” to win the recent presidential election — and they are calling on him to act on their agenda now…

“Values” voters delivered for the president, and the president must now deliver for them — especially in the courts, said Gary Cass, head of a grassroots political organization affiliated with Coral Ridge, called the Center for Reclaiming America…

Cass wants a U.S. Supreme Court that will outlaw abortion and gay marriage. “Do you want to take your children to a National League baseball game for instance and have homosexuals showing affection to one another? I don’t want my kids to see that,” he said.

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Okay people, we need to think here. Cass makes it sound easy, but it really isn’t. If we want to prevent homosexuals from attending ballgames and showing affection for one another, it’s going to take more than a couple of judges. It’s going to take legislation. It’s going to take lobbying. And it’s going to take vigilance. Mostly, we need to define our terms.

For instance - ballplayers regularly show affection for one another. Hugging, butt-slapping, jumping-all-over-each-other affection. So do fans, come to think of it. But the fans and players aren’t gay. Well, maybe some of them are, but they’re showing good, clean game-related affection, not sexual affection, right? So that’s a start. Pass some anti-non-game-related-affection laws and we’ve stopped those same-sex stadium smoochers in their tracks…

Or have we? Let’s say we define game-related affection as “touching, hugging, ass-slapping, or other physical contact only expressed in the event of a celebratory or encouraging moment for one’s team.” Sounds pretty airtight, right? Not so fast! Some gays understand sports to some degree, I’m told, at least at a rudimentary level, and they might conceivably wait until the appropriate game-related moment and then express non-game-related affection for each other during moments of permissible game-related affection! Don’t fool yourselves - they’d do it.

“Mommy, why are those men hugging each other in a manner that seems sort of tangential to Bobby Bonds’ home run?”

“Because your government doesn’t love God enough, Timmy.”

Not in my America. No, we’re going to need something more if we want to stop these crypto-celebrants in their tracks. Hard as it may be to say, we’re going to have to distinguish righteous straight guys hugging ecstatically from sneaky gay guys hugging ecstatically by identifying the gay guys before they get into the stadium. Not that homosexuals shouldn’t be allowed to attend sporting events (though if you prevent ‘em from rubbing their gayitude in our faces, I can’t see why they’d come), but we should know who they are before they sit down in the event that an exciting moment in the game occurs and they take advantage. We will need some sort of national homosexual registry, complete with ID cards. That way we’ll know who they are and where they’re sitting. It’s for their protection too, when you think about it - in fact, we may want to offer them some sort of badge or decal that they can wear on their clothes.

Of course, those ACLU-types might argue that some homosexuals actually are sports fans and therefore must be permitted to engage in game-related affection. It’s hard to get around this one entirely, but it’s obviously going to have to involve some judgment calls on the part of stadium security. So we’ll need specially-trained gay-watchers who keep their eyes on the homosexual seats and make sure that any shirtless belly-bumping and ass-grabbing is strictly non-sexual.

This will work, and it’s important to do it right. If we don’t go with the IDs, the definitions, and what-not, then it could start to interfere with the rights of real heterosexual sports fans. For instance, when I attend games, my buddies and I generally have a bunch of beers, paint each others’ bare torsos with our team colors, bellow mightily for our side, and when the right moments come, we fling ourselves into each others’ arms, screaming and gyrating, tautly full bellies rubbing together manfully, large, masculine hands clutching each others’ buttocks and lifting one another towards the heavens in exultation, only to come down again, sliding slowly along our buddies’ frames, lubricated with sweat and body paint, feeling every glorious ripple and bulge of our celebratory comrades’ bodies as they slide along ours, hugging and clutching in a timeless ritual that transports us out of our everyday lives and into a transcendent zone of raw emotion and contact that we hope will never end but simply go on deliriously for ever and ever…

It’s that kind of pure sports appreciation that I want to foster in my own children, and not the other kind. Let’s make some noise and get this done while we have the initiative, or you may have to get used to going to the game and having your children bear witness to acts that are completely and totally gay. And that’s just not right. God bless you all.