From an open letter by Bob Jones III:

Dear Mr. President:
The media tells us that you have received the largest number of popular votes of any president in America’s history. Congratulations! In your re-election, God has graciously granted America—though she doesn’t deserve it—a reprieve from the agenda of paganism…. Don’t equivocate. Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ. Honor the Lord, and He will honor you.

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“They don’t just hate the president. It’s us. America.” “Democratic, liberal attacks upon America and President Bush illustrate what is at stake in this election”
- Rep. Mark Souder (R., IN), in recent campaign ads. Souder won.

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My fellow liberals;

Clearly, we got asses handed to us in the election. Somehow the conservatives, Christians, and patriotic Americans saw through our “message” and rejected us at the polls. For the moment it seems like Christ and America have foiled our agenda once again. For the moment.

But let’s not lose heart. It’s time to pick ourselves up and figure out how to win next time. Midterm elections are just around the corner.

Now isn’t the time for recriminations and finger-pointing. If we’re going to win, we need to emulate the “big tent” philosophy that the Republicans employ so successfully. It doesn’t matter if you’re an atheist or a Jew or a homosexual or a Muslim terrorist or a Satanist or a Unitarian - we’re all in the same boat: We all hate the Christ and want to bring down America, and that’s what unites us. We will never succeed if we spend all our time bickering amongst ourselves.

Let’s not fool ourselves. George W. Bush didn’t win with dirty tricks and deceptions. He beat us with his convictions and his love of America and the accursedly simple power of his clear belief in Jesus Christ. We thought we could muddy the issues, bait-and-switch the voters, even claim God for our own side. We were wrong, and the dream of a socialist, morality-free, godless America has been struck down.

For now.

What we need is a clear platform. And then we need to come up with a strategy for fooling the more weak-willed and easily-duped Americans into voting for it. Let’s start with the platform.

We’re liberals. We believe in an America without moral values. We believing in taxing those who work hard and giving their money away to the lazy poor. We believe that we brought 9/11 on ourselves and owe al Qaeda an apology. We believe that homosexuality is better than heterosexuality and that its customs and practices should be taught in public schools starting in the third grade. We believe in taking it easy on murderers and rapists so that they can get back into society quickly and murder and rape again. We believe in taking guns away from loyal Americans so that when our time comes they won’t be able to defend themselves. We believe in burning the American flag whenever possible as a means of demonstrating our hatred for this country. We believe that babies are bad, and that women should be free to terminate up until about a year after the third trimester, and that their flesh should be used for scientific research and their blood should be given to our Jewish friends, who have their own uses for it. We believe that religion needs to be eliminated from public life and public buildings so that we can re-educate the children of America, turn them, sodomize them if possible, and make them into good liberal voters. This is what we believe, of course.

Forgive me for re-stating the obvious, but sometimes it’s good to remind ourselves of our core principles, isn’t it?

But until we dupe the god-fearing and decent citizens of this country into voting for us, none of this is going to happen. We need to strategize now so that we can reap the benefits later. This won’t be as hard as it sounds, not if we stay focussed. Remember - loyal, patriotic Americans might have right on their side and the protection of their all-powerful God, but they are a trusting and largely uneducated folk. We can tempt them, we can fool them, and thus we can enact the destruction of their nation and their way of life. Here’s how to do it:

1) Don’t be so obvious about the whole “hating America” thing. Somehow, the conservatives saw right through this one. It’s almost as though they’d been reading our secret memos. We need to sound more positive and upbeat about things. Only then can our dark vision of the future be brought about.

2) Continue to pretend to care about ordinary people. We did this, but we didn’t try hard enough. We need to phrase things in such a way that they sound reasonable to ordinary people in the middle class. If they figure out the depths of our contempt for them, we’re sunk. If we disguise our plans for gigantic government programs that don’t work, we may be able to make them palatable to the public. Then we can just sit back in our ivory towers, sip Chardonnay, and laugh as the votes come rolling in.

3) Really leverage Hollywood and the media to undermine social values. We can’t get anywhere unless we intensify our attack on the traditional family and its core beliefs, and movies and TV shows remain our most potent weapon. Once we persuade people that America’s thriving center is somehow rotten, they’ll start looking for alternatives. Faith can’t be broken all at once - it has to be shaken first.

4) Promote the idea that real Christians can be liberals. Yes, we know it’s not true, we know that it’s impossible to be both a good Christian and a liberal at the same time. That’s what makes Bob Jones’ letter so disturbing - he’s figured it out. But we can obscure this essential truth and make it seem like someone who believes in the teachings of Christ could vote for a Democrat and not be condemned to the fiery pits of hell for all eternity. We get the votes and our Dark Master harvests a few more souls. It’s a “win-win.”

That’s really all it’s going to take. If we can somehow convince a couple million more people that we liberals care about human life, America, education, defense, equality, justice, and protecting our environment… if we can make them think that we liberals actually love this country and what it stands for… if we can make it seem like liberals are just ordinary people with strong values and a deep belief in the American way… then we’ll have them.

Above all, don’t despair. If we really believe in ourselves, we can create a godless, immoral, and unprincipled America where gay terrorists are free to burn churches to the ground to pave the way for more abortion clinics, bath houses, and French restaurants. Only then will we be able to call on the forces of evil and lay waste to this despicable, Christ-blessed land that we all hate with such feverish intensity.

So don’t just sit there and mope - let’s get out there and tear down America!