As you’ve probably heard, we’re getting a new attorney general, and his name is Alberto Gonzales. Here are some common questions and answers about the man and the office.

Q: “Alberto Gonzales…” that sounds familiar. Where have I heard that name?
A: White House counsel. He’s the guy who wrote that infamous memo justifying the use of torture on prisoners in the war on terror. Remember, the one that thought that the Geneva Convention and other existing torture treaties don’t apply? He called ‘em “quaint?” Ring a bell?

Q: Should I be worried about human rights and my civil liberties?
A: Yeah. Fans of their rights should remain at Orange Alert.

Q: I forget - what exactly are civil liberties and human rights?
A: They’re the unfashionable, long-haired liberal components of the Freedom we’ve been fighting for around the world.

Q: Oh. What are the other components of “freedom” besides that hippie stuff?
A: Um… moral values? Our “way of life?” Look, whose side are you on?

Q: Nevermind. Back to Gonzales. Is he… well… like Ashcroft?
A: No, he’s probably not as bad as Ashcroft in terms of sheer authoritarian audacity. Ashcroft was a master when it came to privacy infringement, and he really can’t ever be replaced. He was the Prince of Peep, the Sultan of Spook, and the Lord of Lethal Injection. All across America today, shadowy people who don’t officially exist are backing away from keyholes to stand and salute while flying their invisible flags at half-mast.

Q: That’s a little over-the-top, isn’t it?
A: Maybe. But you have to remember that Justice was blind until Ashcroft gave her a nifty pair of night vision binoculars.

Q: What can we expect from Gonzales?
A: Mercifully, we might get a Department of Justice that doesn’t resemble the one from “Minority Report” quite so much. Maybe. And Gonzales will do his best to uphold the law as he interprets it, though recent history suggests that he sees the law as having a certain taffy-like quality. He also might reinstate “jeans day” at the DOJ.

Q: Why are some conservatives against the appointment?
A: Partly because with the near-total elimination of Democrats from positions of power, the Kristian Konservative Killing Machine has had to adjust its target settings from “Liberal” to “Moderate” to “Anyone But Us.” As a judge, Gonzales once allowed a 17 year old girl to get an abortion without parental consent. So he may be “soft on abortion.” Which is why - despite Bush’s likely Supreme Court appointments, despite Bush’s avowed support for the pro-life agenda, despite the nonexistent role that the Department of Justice has in changing existing abortion laws - some social conservatives don’t think Gonzales is qualified to be the attorney general.

Q: You’re kidding, right?
A: God, I wish I was.

Q: Are you okay?
A: I just need to sit down for a minute…