Dear Democrats;

Hi. Hola. Bonjour. Hey man. As many of you already know, tomorrow is Election Day. Many of you are first-time voters this year, and this guide should serve to help all of you, new and old, get through the likeliest pitfalls of a modern American election. Even veteran voters should note that it’s a whole new ballgame this year, so read these instructions carefully.

Election Day is tomorrow
Despite phone calls that you might have received, Election Day has not been postponed due to “inclement weather,” “terror alerts,” “mechanical errors,” Red Sox victory celebrations,” “massive flu epidemic,” “daylight savings time,” or “wardrobe malfunctions.” Any phone calls, emails or personal visits you receive that inform you of a date change are not to be trusted. Please note also that today is November 1st, and that certain unscheduled visits from plumbers or cable repairmen may have resulted in your clocks and calendars having been set back a few days.

Be wary of road signs
Please be guarded about following any road signs that you don’t recognize tomorrow while on the way to your polling place. You may see signs that read “To Polling Place,” “Detour,” “Welcome Democrats! This Way,” “Shortcut to Voting,” or “Free Handouts From Big Government Programs.” These are generally decoys, and many of them will direct you over cliffs, onto railroad tracks, or straight into brick walls that have been cunningly painted to look like tunnels.

Ignore “Helpful Election Workers”
Many of these people at the polling site might not actually work for the government. Use common sense. If anyone tells you that the election has been postponed or moved, ignore them. Any flyers that inform you that your candidate has “changed his name” are also likely to be erroneous. Also, tiny children on wheelchairs with respirators that tell you that they’ll be beaten unless Bush wins are to be ignored. They might be telling the truth, but it’s a cheap tactic.

Getting to vote
In general, anyone telling you that you can’t vote is not telling the truth. If you are told you’re not registered, please contact a Democratic consultant (though not a “Democratic consultant” who appears to be operating a paper shredder or carrying a portable kiln). Students, be aware that there are no “drug test” requirements at any polling place. Likewise, there are no “new laws” that prevent “coloreds” from voting. If the person between you and voting requires you to take off your clothing, “donate” several pints of blood, or stare fixedly at a dangling watch or spinning pattern, seek out a Democratic consultant immediately. Do not look at the watch.

[Special note to young voters: There are no “constitutional prohibitions” against “piercings,” “tats,” or “non-cotton or indecent undergarments.” You still have a right to vote.]

Pay close attention to the ballot
The notorious “butterfly ballot” of 2000 is a cakewalk compared to the types of ballots you might find this year, particularly in Florida or Ohio. Read the ballot carefully. Some helpful pointers: The “Candidate I choose to not not fail to not vote for” is the candidate you choose to vote for, while the “candidate I don’t choose to not not fail to not vote for” is the other guy. “Optate” means “elect.” Also, voters in several precincts will benefit from knowing that binary code for “John Kerry” is “0100101001101111 0110100001101110 0010000001001011 0110010101110010 0111001001111001″

By following these simple guidelines (and the ones in the 369 page Supplemental Guide available at DNC offices), the Democratic National Committee calculates that your vote has a “decent” chance of being counted, and the latest analyses suggest that peoples’ votes might even determine who our next President will be. So get out there and do it! Remember: “Democracy - It’s Working in Afghanistan, It Might Just Work Here.”