It’s happened again. My running mate, Peter Sagal, has been unaccountably shut out of tonight’s VP debate. That’s a disappointment; in a debate that’s sure to feature a fire-and-ice contrast, Peter was ideally suited to play the, uh, “Derek Smalls” role.

Still, it figures to be a fun night for the whole family. And without Peter to help them find common ground, they’re going to need some help. So I thought I’d offer them both a little advice to ensure a more honest, vibrant debate.

Dick Cheney

Don’t hide your light in a bushel, or rather, a barrel. It’s time to embrace the idea that with your breathy delivery, darkly pragmatic outlook, and copious life support equipment, you ARE Darth Vader. Don’t paraphrase some of his best quotations, come right out and say ‘em:

On Iraq’s connection to Al Qaeda: “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

On the insurgency and its imminent demise: “This will be a day long remembered. It has seen the end of [insert insurgent’s name here]; it will soon see the end of the rebellion.”

On the no-bid contracts for Halliburton: “I’m altering our deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”

On how the campaign’s going: “You are beaten. It is useless to resist.”

Have fun with it. Feel free to attempt to “turn” John Edwards to the dark side. Hell, tell him you’re his father. If all else fails, raise one imperious arm and cause lecterns, water pitchers, and chairs to fly at his head. It’s a great way to get your point across.

John Edwards

Everyone knows that Dick Cheney is old and busted and that you’re the new hotness. But you can’t come right out and say that. It’s disrespectful. Instead, try to convey the physical contrast between you through the strategic deployment of resonant phrases. To wit:

“I see a new, fresh politics of the future. The politics of fear are on their last legs.”

“America is united, and her heartbeat is strong.”

“This is going to be a long, arduous race, but I’m prepared to run it.”

“Right now, the economy is on life support. Sure the tax cuts were like implanting a cardioverter defibrillator, but it’s clear that this sort of anti-tachycardia pacing is a short-lived solution, and we’re at high risk for ventricular tachycardia and ventricular fibrillation. No, the economy simply won’t survive for long at this rate.”