I thought last night’s debate was a good one, for as far as it went. Kerry won, I suppose, but it would have been hard to lose to Bush, who seemed to be alternating between stuttering and temporary fugue states (the man really needs an anti-lock braking system installed in his head). But it’s not a complete debate when a valid candidate gets unaccountably shut out. I’m talking, of course, about me.

But I’m ready to rectify that, right now. I’ve taken the liberty of cadging some of the questions from the transcript, and I’m prepared to answer ‘em. Those of you who want the full flavor of how this would’ve gone last night, feel free to play back the tape and pause in the appropriate places to read my response. It’ll give you a realistic picture of how candidate Felber would’ve looked and sounded at the podium last night.

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Do you believe you could do a better job than President Bush in preventing another 9/11-type terrorist attack on the United States?

Sure I do, Jim, sure I do. John Kerry’s plan is too wordy. [Adam snickers, rolls his eyes as if to say “Seriously, Kerry’s a pretty wordy guy.”] The President’s policy of pre-emption doesn’t go far enough. Only I have advanced the idea of “ultra pre-emption,” a policy that allows us to eliminate a threat before they’re even angry at us. America’s security is too important to risk someone getting mad at us and then beginning to think about taking steps to begin planning to prepare to act against us.

What colossal misjudgments, in your opinion, has President Bush made in these areas?

I dunno, I haven’t really been paying attention to what the President’s been doing - I’ve been concentrating on my game, keeping loose, limber, on my toes. Being a great politician’s like being a great athlete - you can’t concern yourself with your opponents. You just play your game, and hope they make a few mistakes.

As president, what would you do, specifically, in addition to or differently to increase the homeland security of the United States than what President Bush is doing?

[Adam waggles a finger at Jim, chidingly.] Kind of a trick question, Jim. If I tell you what I intend to do, then the terrorists will know. That’s why we need a Patriot Act 3. This will allow me to do stuff so secretly that even I might not know about it. We need a Patriot Act that has teeth, one that will give me broad powers to search, seize, tape, film, imprison, interrogate, and execute. We’ve gotta pass that now. Our very freedom is at stake.

Can you give us specifics, in terms of a scenario, time lines, et cetera, for ending major U.S. military involvement in Iraq?

Look, it’s pretty simple. In December there’s going to be a big, big change in Iraq. We’re gonna have an old-fashioned Iraqi Christmas there, invite everyone, give out presents, etc. That’s gonna turn things around. Imagine all those Sunnis and Shiites and Kurds linking hands and singing carols, and all the insurgents’ hearts will grow by three sizes that day.

Do you have any closing statements?

No, I’ll let these two guys say goodbye to you. I’m more of a “hello” person. [Adam snickers, mugs at the camera.]