The Campaign Trail

We’ve been in Los Angeles for a week now, and already we’re a lot more Fabulous than we were back East. We spend our days among glittering cardboard boxes, soaking in the glamour of packing foam and plastic bags. We’ve hit all the LA hot spots: Target, Home Depot, and Bed, Bath and Beyond. To describe these star-studded locales wouldn’t do ‘em justice - our lives have become the kind of Hollywood fairy tales that simply defy conventional narrative. In short, we’ve Arrived.

But let me offer you some of the highlights of the Felber Campaign’s tour. It was truly a great journey across the heartland, and I can say without fear of contradiction that my Presidential hopes have never looked brighter.

New Jersey, Pennsylvania - As a New Yorker, I was pretty sure we had Jersey locked up, so we basically just drove on through, waving to our constituents along the way. Pennsylvania seems pretty solid as well, but we did stop to campaign at a Wendy’s outside Harrisburg. I listened to the American People, and they let me know what they really wanted - to sell me burgers at popular prices.

Ohio - My campaign really started to hit its stride outside Columbus, where my constituency gladly welcomed me to an overnight event at a Best Western. There seemed to be a “no pets” policy, but we carried Horatio to our rooms in a pet carrier that looked like an innocent red duffel bag. Sometimes you have to lead, not follow. Anyway, I think Ohio is swinging towards Felber, so I didn’t try to muck it up by actually campaigning much.

Kentucky - A lot of “Bush” signs on lawns, and apparently the Bush campaign doesn’t recognize how deeply sarcastic the people of Kentucky can be. But I do. I’ve got this one sewn up.

Tennessee - Like Kentucky, this is clearly Felber Country (nobody’s helped the local economy more in terms of bourbon consumption), so I took a night off and got some ribs and heard some music out on Beale Street. [The Rum Boogie, by the way, featured a great blues band with the most extraordinary harmonica player I’ve ever heard. I’ve tracked him down via Google. Ladies and gentlemen: Billy Gibson.]

Arkansas - This state’s gonna vote for me - they just don’t know it yet. I attempted to raise my profile by patronizing some local businesses. Would the other candidates put themselves out there and sample such local delicacies as “McNuggets?” I don’t think so.

Oklahoma - Near Ardmore we saw the first in a string of convenience stores and filling stations that proudly advertised “American Owned and Operated.” I don’t think the politicians in Washington appreciate the growing threat of Saudi princes and French magnates buying up crappy little businesses in the heartland and having their sons and daughters manage ‘em. But I do. Vote Felber - He’ll Protect Your Crappy Little Business From Greedy Foreigners.

Texas - I don’t see any candidate really threatening me here, so we mainly just rolled through.

New Mexico - Campaigning at a bizarrely “themed” restaurant in Albequerque, I watched some baseball. I’m not sure what the restaurant’s theme was, exactly, except that it compelled the waitresses to wear Germanic braids, tiny plaid skirts, thigh-high socks with ribbons on the back, suspenders, and poofy white shirts, all in an Irish pub environment that served Southwestern cuisine. I can’t recall the place’s name, but if I had to guess I’d say it must have been “St. McHitler’s School for Naughty Cowgirls.” Watch for one opening near you.

Arizona - We campaigned at the Grand Canyon. If there’s a German Tourist vote, I’ve got it wrapped up.

California - This is my home state now, so I didn’t bother campaigning much. They love me here.

For those of you who were concerned about the fate of my cat on this cross-country tour, let me put your minds at ease. See, I’d never owned a cat before Horatio, so I sort of raised him as a dog. As a result, he didn’t mind the car, gladly snacked at every roadside stop, and enjoyed the hotels thoroughly (though he stuck us with a gigantic room service bill in Williams, AZ.).

Thanks again to my running mate, Mr. Sagal, for keeping hope (and this blog) alive during my move. He’s going to be a great Vice President despite his tendency to root for hopeless baseball teams.