Tomorrow morning I’ll depart for beautiful Columbus, Ohio. I have a two-part agenda - to perform a live “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me,” yes, of course. But more importantly, this will be my campaign’s first official visit to this crucial battleground state.

People of Ohio, hear me. I may be a New Yorker, I may be moving to Los Angeles soon, but at heart, I’m an Ohioan through and through. A Buckeye. A farm boy. A son of the heartland. My dad grew up in Cleveland, and had I not been called to serve in the entertainment industry, I’m sure I would’ve settled in Ohio, tilling the meadows or planting bacon or something.

At my deepest core, I share your values. I’m a simple, plainspoken man, not some fancy-pants white wine sippin’ university boy. If I get to much foam in my double soy latte, I just go right ahead and drink it anyway, just like you folks. I know the value of strong families, hard work, and opportunity. Like you, I have warm to hot summers and mild to cold winters, my principal crops are soybeans, corn, wheat, and tomatoes, and I have a total land area of 40,953 square miles. I’m just like you.

And I love Ohio. From the salty sea air of its sandy beaches to the snowcapped peaks of its majestic mountains (where I would often go camping if I had more free time), Ohio is in my blood. Often, when I become sentimental for my dear Buckeye State, I find myself telling my friends about the state I love. I’ll be having a drink, and all the sudden I’ll say something like, “You know what I miss? I miss Ohio’s abundant precipitation, which is well distributed throughout the year. The average annual precipitation varies from 710 mm (28 in) at Catawba Island, a resort on Lake Erie, to 1,170 mm (46 in) in the elevated land between the Miami and Scioto rivers. Snows do occur but usually melt within one or two weeks. That’s my kind of precipitation.” That’s just the kind of guy I am; strong, sentimental, knowledgeable about the kind of folksy wisdom you can’t get in a book.

And that’s why I need your vote. Because as Ohio goes, so goes the nation. And I’d like the nation to go with Felber. As President, I promise to favor Ohioans and their needs above all other states. Don’t tell ‘em I said so, but that’s the truth. You’re my favorite, my special favorite, and though I may have to deny it during my campaign stops in other states, you guys can rest assured that those others mean nothing to me, and that’s a fact.

Thanks, Ohio, and I’ll see you tomorrow. Together, we’ll build a more Ohio-y America. Thank you, and God bless, God bless.