[I was near the Citicorp building today (one of the newly-designated Targets), and I spent most of the day right across the street from it. I said hi to lots of officers carrying giant automatic weapons. They were nice. One heavily armed guy from Queens gave me directions to the address I was looking for, and nobody was rude enough to ask what was in the handsome rolling suitcase I was carrying (clothes, mainly, and a book or two). Mostly, people were going about their business in and around the target building, just as they were instructed to do. All this inspired me to give you all this: The only terror alert you’ll ever need to read.]

Worried about terror? What good is an alert, even one about the building you work in, if in the end your instructions are to keep right on working there while somehow being “alert” to the possibility of a big truck full of explosives barreling into your lobby?

I gotcha covered. Here’s the one and only alert you’ll ever need:

Look out! The terrorists are here. They’re planning to blow stuff up. If it’s in a major city, a landmark, or a gigantic government or financial institution, it’s probably a target. When we say “target” we mean “stuff that might get blown up.” If you’re in or near said target at the time the blowing up goes on… well, you might not make it. You might, but you might not. Let’s be honest about that. Either way, we’ll call you a “hero” afterwards, if that’s any consolation.

Scary, huh? Sure. And it leads to the the logical question: What can you do?

Go about your business. Work. Shop. Don’t let ‘em win. And be generally “alert.” Remain at high alert for a very, very long time. This war ain’t gonna end tomorrow, you know. Remember that all that there is to know about our enemies’ concerns is that they hate Freedom. Even if they say it’s more complicated than that, they’re lying: They just hate Freedom. And that, naturally, doesn’t leave much wiggle room for any solution other than “wiping ‘em out.”

We’re working on that. It’s hard. The bastards keep recruiting, somehow convincing people that Freedom is something worth traveling halfway around the world to die fighting. Sounds weird, I know, but that’s how it is.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. The alert. Just look out, okay? If your building or area or nearby landmark is under direct threat, it’s important that you just go about your business. If your building or area or nearby landmark is NOT under any direct threat, then, well, you can just go about your business. Try to remember those two easy tips, and you’ll be fine. Unless you get blown up. In which case you might not be fine. That’s why you’re being alerted.

Now just relax, be super-alert, and go about your business. Thanks.