It looks like I got my facts wrong. I arrived lat night, intending to drop my cat off at my apartment and head straight to the Democratic National Convention to make a speech and see if I could muscle the nomination away from John Kerry.

It turns out that the Democrats are in Boston.

Clearly, this is a setback, and I’ve authorized a full investigation into my campaign to find out who missed this detail and how we’re going to deal with the problems that are going to arise. I intend to employ the George Bush Model of Internal Investigations; I’ve already demanded that no culprit be found and that no firings take place. I’ll keep you all posted on how the investigation develops. We have some promising leads that will be extremely challenging to ignore.

Meanwhile, the Democrats seem to be functioning passably well without me. I haven’t cruised the net today, but I’m sure that the right has already found a way to construe the Clintons’ full-bodied and enthusiastic endorsement of John Kerry as a calculated piece of sabotage to protect Hillary’s 2008 hopes. Extra points for anyone who can find said theories and post ‘em in my Comments.

And yes, friends, I’m back. Fanatical Apathy will now resume its regular programming schedule. Stay tuned.