Well now I’ve gone and done it. I’ve touched off an international incident, enraged the French, and slandered the White House. The really remarkable thing about it is that this time it was accidental.

This morning I was using various means to peruse exactly who’s linking to me out on the web, and why. I do this frequently, because as a professional writer it’s important for me to remain vain and thin-skinned.

It seemed the usual assortment of links - liberals and satire fans giving me the ol’ thumbs up (thanks, guys!), conservatives and literalists remarking on what a dumb, unfunny, effeminate traitor I am (thanks, guys!), and an obscure cult in Idaho once again “decoding” my writings to reveal the approaching Hour of Doom and the Rising of the Snakehead God (seriously guys, for the last time, I’m NOT the Eleven-fingered Herald of the Doomtimes, whatever that is). All-in-all, a pretty ordinary week.

Then I came across this website:

Idiots à ce point ?Sur les tortures en Irak : [ Via Fanatical Apathy ]

[ McClellan also pointed out that the incidents themselves were isolated in terms of what parts of the prisoners were abused. “Take the beatings,” he said. “Deplorable, yes, but often they were isolated, for example, to just the head and some parts of the torso. Sometimes as much as 76% of a prisoner’s body was treated completely humanely and in accordance with the Geneva Convention. But you guys never report that.” ] [ “Prennez les coups par exemple. C’est déplorable en effet, mais ils ne touchaient que la tête et quelques parties du torse. Donc, au moins 76% du corps du prisonnier a été traité conformément aux Conventions de Génève.” ]
McClellan est porte-parole à la Maison Blanche. Ils sont vraiment abrutis à ce point les américains pour qu’on veuille leur faire avaler ce genre de trucs ?

My French is not particularly good, but reading this and the ensuing comments (and then employing babelfish, naturellement!) gives me the definite impression that the French now believe that McClellan actually said that, and they’re using it as evidence of how incredibly dumb and insensitive we are. Worse, it comes at a time when our President is making his way through Europe.

Um… oops. Sorry.

I’m really embarrassed about this. Especially if we end up going to war with France and my blog turns out to have been the Archduke that broke the camel’s back. That’d be awkward.

So I’ve composed a little message to the people of France, just to clear things up:

“Howdy, French folks. Remember that thing I said Scott McClellan said about the prisoner abuse thing that was kinda shockingly insensitive and stuff? Well - heh, this is sort of funny - it turns out that he didn’t in fact say that. Nope. See, I was just engaging in a little satire, you know, like, exaggerating stuff for comic effect. So while McClellan is almost certainly an insensitive and bullheaded mouthpiece for an immoral and evasive administration, he didn’t actually say that thing I said he said that you said was so dumb. Sorry for any confusion. Love, Adam.”

As a means of making sure that my message gets across, I went back to babelfish and translated this into French and then translated it back into English, just to see how it reads. This is the result:

“Hello, French people. You point out this Scott thing by I McClellan called about the thing d’abus of prisoner who was a little shockingly not very sensitive and substance? Well - heh, this is the kind of funny - it s’avère qu’il word of didn’t does that of it. Nope. See, just j’était s’engager in a little satire, know you, like, by exaggerating the comic substance for l’effet. Thus while McClellan is almost certainly a little sensitive and bullheaded l’embouchure for an immoral and evasive administration, he of didn’t word really that this thing I said qu’il said that you said were so deaf-mute. Afflicted for any confusion. Love, Adam.”

So that should clear things up. And if it doesn’t work out, well, I’m sure that the French people will welcome our liberating forces with flowers and dancing in the streets. That’ll be nice, and it’ll help foster the spread of American-style democracy throughout Europe. So on second thought, my little fib that led to the war might turn out to have been a good thing, a small lie that helped us achieve a higher purpose.

You know, when I put it that way, I’m kinda proud.