From CNN:
BAGHDAD, Iraq — U.S. military personnel and Iraqi police Thursday raided the compound of the Iraqi National Congress and the nearby home of Iraqi Governing Council member Ahmed Chalabi.
Chalabi’s nephew, Salim Chalabi, said the forces entered his uncle’s home, put a gun to Chalabi’s head and threatened him.
Describing what his uncle told him, Salim said the forces were “looking for something” and were upset with Chalabi.
Chalabi, a Shiite, is a favorite of the Pentagon but is regarded as divisive and untrustworthy by the State Department.
He is believed to have been a source of intelligence about Iraq’s alleged weapons of mass destruction, which have not been discovered in the nine months since Saddam’s regime fell.
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INT. CHALABI HOME - DAY
[Ahmed Chalabi stands in his living room, wearing an elegant smoking jacket. A US soldier holds a gun to his head.]
SOLDIER: So, where is it?
CHALABI: Where is what, my friend?
SOLDIER: The $27 million we’ve given you over the past couple of years.
CHALABI: I know of no such money. And it’s already spent.
SOLDIER: On what?
CHALABI: Important intelligence operations, naturally.
SOLDIER: Look, you’ve given us nothing of value, and we could really use that money right about now. So pony it up.
CHALABI: Look - out the window, in the street - isn’t that an open vat of VX gas?
SOLDIER: No.
CHALABI: Um, I’m pretty sure it is. Right next to that chemical weapons production facility.
SOLDIER [glancing outside]: That’s a donkey standing next to a trough.
CHALABI: I think if you send some of your men outside you’ll find that it’s a highly sophisticated and well-disguised mobile-
SOLDIER: It’s not, Ahmed.
CHALABI: Yes it is.
SOLDIER: No it’s not.
CHALABI: Hmmm, they must have moved it. Oh well, I guess your men are going to have to stumble upon the weapons themselves. Totally unprotected too, which will be tragic.
SOLDIER: Wait, are you sure there’s a major cache of chemical weapons nearby?
CHALABI: Oh yes. Biological weapons too. And nuclear. And ontological. Lots of weapons. And an insurgency, riddled with Ba’athists, Al Qaeda, Islamists, Shriners, and evil girl scouts.
SOLDIER: Dagnabbit! Where are they?
CHALABI: Well, I’m sure I could ask some questions, but…
[Chalabi clears his throat meaningfully and waggles his eyebrows.]
SOLDIER [sighing]: Can I write you a check?
CHALABI: Of course.
Fanny Roborat
13 comments
Murray
May 20, 2004 at 12:49 pm
1I’m still not very happy with that Chalabi Guy.
Adam you don’t understand. Our administration has always stood for welfare for the wealthy, and making the poor and middle class pay for it.
If you are rich you deserve to be rewarded. Here’s your money. If you are poor you need to be punished. Here’s your tax bill.
Besides $340,000 a month just doesn’t go very far in Iraq. The phone bill alone will kill you. And keeping your 61 Chateau Le Fete at 55 degrees is a bitch.
Chris B
May 20, 2004 at 12:55 pm
2But no tautological weapons, thank God!
We wouldn’t want that to happen again…
tim
May 20, 2004 at 1:53 pm
3Ontological weapons, how perfect! They’re weapons that make you wonder if they actually exist. But does the fact that we still can’t find them prove that they must exist? There’s a good koan for you Buddhists in the house.
Poor Ahmed. Looks like he’s discovering the legendary loyalty of the U.S. Government once they’ve extracted every last drop of expediency out of you.
Ian
May 20, 2004 at 5:16 pm
4Oncological weapons? You mean like cigarettes and asbestos?
Key
May 20, 2004 at 5:43 pm
5Yay! Adam has reurned! The comment goverment can be abolished at last, with all its war crimes!
bellatrys
May 20, 2004 at 6:47 pm
6This is mondo hilarious. (As a phil major, “ontological weapons” is sublime, but I have to say the “evil girl scouts” was what made me snarf my tea.) Can I post this on my blog? (w/attributions of course.) I’ve been gunning for old Stickyfingers for a while, and I was in the process of trying to explain how the government might have made better use of its resources since 1998 (or earlier) rather than its present criminal mishandling of humint in Mesopotamia - when events overrun both me and Mr. Chalabi.
bellatrys
May 20, 2004 at 7:55 pm
7Oh, and no - they’re *chronological* weapons. See, they expired, that’s why you can’t find em now. Either that, or they’re hidding in a wrinkle in the timespace continuum.
Murray
May 20, 2004 at 8:59 pm
8Ornithological weapons wing their way to the target, but they tend to sh*t all over your things.
Proctological weapons are used when you really want to kick some one in the ass.
Oenological weapons, when you want to take out someone’s ‘61 Chateau Lafite-Rothchild (it’s spelled right this time)
Caneological weapons, used when your have screwed the pooch. (Soon to be a favorite with Bush)
michael (in DC)
May 20, 2004 at 10:24 pm
9Poor Ahmed. Looks like he’s discovering the legendary loyalty of the U.S. Government once they’ve extracted every last drop of expediency out of you.
Poor Bushies. Looks like they’ve discovered the legendary loyalty of Ahmed when he’s extracted the last drop of expediency (and military invasion, and gazillions of dollars, and blackmail-ready documents, etc) from you…
m
Erik
May 20, 2004 at 10:25 pm
10Of course there are ontological weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Quine’s criterion of ontological weapons commitment clearly states that “Those and only those weapons exist that are required to exist to make our pretexts for war truthful.”
tim
May 21, 2004 at 10:45 am
11Michael,
So true. Do they deserve each other, or what?
Mojo
May 21, 2004 at 5:41 pm
12I see that US officials say they have “rock solid” evidence that Chalabi gave secrets to the Iranians. Which is more credible, “rock solid” or “slam dunk”? I’m so confused. What we really need is a color-coded system; like the one for threat levels that works so well. “Senator Pelosi helped Saddam sacrifice babies to Satan, and that information is definitely magenta!”
Jerry
May 24, 2004 at 6:05 am
13I thought an ontological weapon challenged its victim with explaining the essential relationship between his or her exposure to the dust from expended uranium shells and that nagging cough that seems to just get worse and worse.