I’m extremely busy today, so I only have this brief moment to check in with you, me hearties. I probably should’ve had something in reserve for an occasion like this. I should have planned for it. Instead, I created this weblog, made myself responsible for hundreds of readers, and now I find myself saddled with this awesome responsibility and no clear idea about how to proceed.
Let’s see, are there any recent precedents for how to behave in such a situation? Ah, yes…
Everything’s going great! We are blogging according to standard operational procedures, and little blips like this are to be expected. In fact, it’s evidence of just how stupendously well things are going.
Look, I never claimed that this was going to be easy or that people weren’t going to get hurt. Okay, maybe once our twice, when I said things like “This is going to be easy,” and “People aren’t going to get hurt.” But it’s important not to twist those words or misconstrue them by, say, quoting them. Now is not the time to dwell on the past.
Since I began this blog, the mission was clear: To gab about my private life. I mean, to post amusing anecdotes about my cat. Or rather, to offer a photo journal about my travels. That was clear. Okay, so I didn’t feel comfortable with the private life stuff, and as it turned out, Horatio doesn’t really do that much. And I simply don’t take a lot of photos. But let’s be clear - all those above reasons for starting this blog were actually asides, support for my main reason, which was… which was… to offer largely political satirical kinds of… stuff. That’s what it was, yes, and I’ve never strayed from that important mission. Clearly.
Though I’ve installed guest bloggers in the past, it doesn’t look like anyone’s available today. They seem scared by the prospect, in fact. So this is what I’m going to do:
I am extending provisional authority for the direction of this blog to the Comments section below. That might seem like it has the potential for anarchy, as few of you have ever run a site like this before. But I have faith in the Fanatical Apathy people, that you will pull together and create a productive, democratic website that will serve as an example to others in this benighted blogosphere.
Don’t worry, I’m still in charge here. I still have the ability to erase any comments that seem innappropriate or insubordinate. But it’s really up to you to make today’s blog work. I can’t hold your hands forever. Good luck, and God bless Fanatical Apathy.





26 comments
Daniel Loftus
May 18, 2004 at 1:16 pm
1ALLLLLLRIGHT you little girls! You heard the man! MOVE! MOVE MOVE!
tess
May 18, 2004 at 1:39 pm
2ALLAH AKBAR!
wait, not appropriate.
JIHAD!
Kerry
May 18, 2004 at 1:40 pm
3Adam, I’m sure this will work because as Fanatical Apathists, we love freedom. We’re not scared of freedom. Those other bloggers, they hate freedom. That’s the difference between us and them. We love freedom you see. And they don’t. They’re evil freedom hating bloggers. That’s why we will persever in this great endeavor no matter the cost. No matter how wrong headed, or ignorant or arrogant this may seem now. We won’t back down till we cram freedom down their freedom hating throats and anyone else who gets in our way.
God bless America!
tim
May 18, 2004 at 1:44 pm
4I have a digital camera…anybody got a leash?
Chalabi
May 18, 2004 at 1:52 pm
5Thanks, Adam, for putting me in charge of the blog. It’s about time. All of the support I’ve given you in the past has finally paid off; the “intelligence” about rival bloggers, blindly affirming any dang fool thing you decided to mumble, the pictures of cats that can’t be easily proven not to be yours. Now for my three step program to bring order to the blog.
1) Nobody else gets to post. Unless it’s in the constitution Adam foisted on us, you don’t have that right. If it happens to be in there, it doesn’t apply right now because of the current trouble.
2) Murray is hereby sentenced to life imprisonment “guarded” by the 800th MP Brigade. Sorry.
3) Step three is classified. I can’t even tell the other members of the blog’s government about it. All I can say is be careful, don’t upset me, and suitable bribes come in multiples of a thousand.
Yours In Conspiracy,
Ahmed
Don
May 18, 2004 at 2:02 pm
6This is, of course, limited sovereignty over F.A. that you are proffering to us commenters — right?
G-Man
May 18, 2004 at 2:06 pm
7Yeah right! I know how this works. You feign support of our fledgling efforts to direct the blog-scussion, offer a unilateral plan for us to take charge, extend only inadequate safeguards…then…BAM! The F5 & F8 buttons pop off our keyboards, rendering us blind and unable to contribute to the dialog. Then you, crafty devil, step in and occupy the blog indefinately in order to “preserve” the dialog.
Can I avoid the permanent disability and just disconnect my internet service and ship you my computer? Or would you prefer that I keep the cyber pipeline in place so you can use it as you see fit?
Pat R.
May 18, 2004 at 2:30 pm
8Horatio??? No wonder he doesn’t do much — he’s probably too embarrassed by his name.
Murray
May 18, 2004 at 4:42 pm
9Damn good thing there’s a computer here. I hope they don’t hear my keyboard. As soon as I get out of here I’m going to fix that Chalibi guy. At least the 800th MP Brigade is local.
Turn over the blog to the commenters? It’s like turning over the prison to the inmates.
But I’m here for you Adam.
Oh look, it’s that England woman, I wonder what she wants?
Dee
May 18, 2004 at 5:30 pm
10I’m honored to be considered worthy of the important position of Guest Blogger, and will do my best to guarantee that …ooops…the lights are flickering again….
Jo
May 18, 2004 at 5:51 pm
11I’ve been offered the position of Guest Blogger, and the chance to Make A Difference and blah blah blah. But that would require that I turn off my TV and do research into various key issues, and I might actually learn something that doesn’t mesh with the fact that everyone who isn’t a WASP like me is Evil Incarnate. Unless you pay me a billion dollars and tape rasslin’ for me, coz I can’t be bothered to do it myself.
littlebit
May 18, 2004 at 6:16 pm
12I stand by my support of your starting this blog. I’ve tried to be objectively critical when it seemed right to do so, but let’s face it, this needed to be done and we’re better off with you than without you. Maybe a couple of bad apples did untoward things while certain Felbers glanced the other way. You meant to do this, you’re doing this, and it’s working.
Uh; it is. Glad you’re here.
Dolma Rodeo
May 18, 2004 at 6:19 pm
13Hmmm. Feeling rather like Rummy whenever the Bush kid decides he has to fly to Crawford, Texas for two weeks to “recupertate” from the heavy duty of “lookin’ serreus” for the camera.
Don’t you worry, Mr. Felber. Everything will be just fine.
And if you happen to hear a woman from Las Vegas on “Wait, Wait” answering you questions, don’t worry. She’s probably a little less informed, but just as funny as you are.
Yes, everything will be just fine.
Rock Grrrl
May 18, 2004 at 7:29 pm
14There are more things in heaven, earth, and the comments box, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Also: mew.
spiralsands
May 18, 2004 at 8:26 pm
15I REALLY have to be in the MOOD to write. The only way I can write under pressure is if I have these electrode thingies hanging off my genitals. So, I’ll clip these things on…ooh…now you go plug that in because it’s kind of hard for me to walk around with these wires and alligator clips hanging between my legs. Thanks a PILE!
Conky
May 18, 2004 at 10:27 pm
16There’s only one thing to do at a time like this, PANIC.
I’m going to stock up on bulletts, cigarrettes and Hustler magazines.
Adam, you call me when you come out of hiding. You have 72 hrs. If we don’t hear from you, then we’re calling in Poundstone.
In the mean time, any of you act up, I’ll put a bullett between your eyes, so help me god.
I’m the new mayor in town, at least until Philber or whatever the hell his name is gets back.
Where’s my septer?
Good speed, Adam!
Conky
May 18, 2004 at 10:44 pm
17Also, it’s important that we don’t post frivolous meaningless comments in Adam’s absence.
Admittedly, this is much harder than I thought. I think the pressure is getting to me. It’s like a weight.
I sure hope Adam gets better and comes back soon. But, I hear gonorrhea can really sideline a fella.
Bye
Ohh yeah, and still with the bullet between your eyes if you act up.
notapipe
May 19, 2004 at 3:10 am
18Clearly, we need good, smart, political guest commentblogger humor. I can provide this service.
So a Jewish priest walks into Abu Ghirab prison. The prison guard says “We don’t put sacks on your kind’s head and take pictures of compromising positions.”
The priest says “Why not? I’m a rabbi.”
Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all day.
Jerry
May 19, 2004 at 3:36 am
19Silly rabbi, kicks are for…no, I can’t do it.
Pat R.
May 19, 2004 at 7:54 am
20The Bard, updated by Horatio:
There are more things in heaven, earth, and the litter box than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Jerry
May 19, 2004 at 1:18 pm
21I posted this under the Open Letter to Kerry entry by mistake, but I think it is interesting enough to risk punishment and humiliation (hey, i’m not Iraqi, so maybe you’ll give me a break.)
Just ran into an interesting fact. At his commencement address at Westminster College in Missouri, Cheney said, after essentially equating Bush with Churchill, “In 1996, Khalid Shaykh Mohammad, the mastermind of 9/11, first proposed to bin Laden that they use hijacked airliners to attack targets in the U.S.”
If they knew that, how can they claim, as has been repeatedly done before the 9/11 hearings, that there was no knowledge of specific types of acts Al Queda might use against us and therefore no action the administration could have taken to prevent it?
littlebit
May 19, 2004 at 7:42 pm
22Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
val
May 19, 2004 at 10:56 pm
23good golly, adam. i’m a little surprised, frankly. you let go the moral fiber of your blog and hardly a funny comment in the bunch! the masses NEED you, my friend. turns out you can add a new title to your resume: straight man.
craig
May 20, 2004 at 7:53 am
24Val,
Adam already has “straight man” on his resume.
Didn’t you read his posts condemning gay marriage?
Chalabi
May 20, 2004 at 10:01 am
25Wow Adam! You really play for keeps! When I announced that I was taking over sovereignty of the FA blog (at your invitation, I might add), I never suspected that you were just using that as a way to smoke out possible challengers to your reign. I make one little post and, within hours, there are US troops and Iraqi police searching my house, seizing my papers, and arresting my friends. If I promise to give up any role in governing Fanatical Apathy and stop my independent investigation of the Quips for Food program, can we please just go back to the old days when I told you what you wanted to hear and you gave me hundreds of thousands of dollars? OK, I’ll release Murray as well, if that’s what it takes.
Yours in Fear,
Ahmed
PC (Politically Creative) Pete
May 21, 2004 at 1:53 am
26Weeeellll, it’s a bit late, but then we’re 18 thingies in front of you, so as I’m writing this it hasn’t yet begun to happen…
And in the spirit of “the Rabbi”…
An American MP, a hindu, and a Muslim all go on a trip. They stop for the night at a motel with only one room with two single beds in it, so they draw straws to see who sleeps in the barn.
The muslim draws the straw, and goes crestfallen to the barn while the MP and the Hindu bunk down in the comfy beds.
Five minutes pass, and there’s a knock on the door. They open the door to see the muslim standing there. “I’m terribly sorry” he says, “but in the barn there is a pig.. and I can’t sleep with an unclean animal. I’ll have to sleep inside.” So the MP and the Hindu flip for it, the Hindu loses, and off he goes to the barn.
Less than a minute later there’s another knock on the door. They open it to see the Hindu gentleman. “There is a cow in the barn, my friends”, he says,” and my religion forbids me to sleep so close to such a holy animal. I must sleep inside.”. So the MP sighs and says, “all right, all right, I’ll sleep in the barn.” Off he goes, while the Muslim and the Hindu bed down snug & comfortable. Two minutes later, there’s ANOTHER knock on the door. They open the door, and standing in the doorway is a pig and a cow…
Just my $0.02 from the future…
See, Adam? You can’t leave the Garden of Apathy to the likes of us!!