Nothing could have prepared me for the reception I’ve received here on the west coast. As a New York writer/performer with a lot of fresh, new ideas to offer to the entertainment industry, I was excited to rush out here and begin to reshape the TV networks and movie studios. After all, everyone agrees that the industry is in dire need of reformation, right?

So despite the warnings of my friends in New York and their dire predictions, I arrived on Friday fully expecting to be greeted as a liberator with cheers, flowers, and dancing in the streets.

Nothing could have been further from the truth.

It’s not that people here are thrilled with the state of the industry - nobody’s comfortable with the oppressive rule of reality television, and the daily threat of yet another romantic comedy featuring flabby, aging baby boomers who in the end prove that they’re much “hipper,” sexier, and more ready for love than their children hangs over the city like a poisonous cloud. You’d think that all I’d have to do would be take a few strategic meetings, make a few phone calls, and I’d be runnin’ this burg in no time, cheered on by the grateful, long-suffering people of Hollywood.

In fact, I was so sure that this would be the case that I didn’t really plan much beyond my arrival. I figured that after sweeping through town I’d pretty much have a landslide of support. I don’t. So now I find myself down in the trenches, and I’m gonna have to slog it through over the long haul.

To be honest, it looks like I’ll still be trying to win hearts and minds on Tuesday. So I WILL be performing that show at the Comedy Central Stage, which I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to resort to at this point…

So please come on down and show your support. Yes, I might have made some mistakes. I might have misled you all about how easy this would be, and I probably shouldn’t have made those claims about Paramount’s “baby-eating facility,” which turns out not to exist, really (it’s a daycare center, and what looked like “rotating knives” on my GPS device turned out to be a see-saw. Sorry.). But now is NOT the time to whine and moan about who said what, not while I’m still out here and at risk. Come on out and help keep our dream of a reconstructed Hollywood alive.

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At a party last night, I argued pleasantly with a man who believes that Ralph Nader has every right to run for president. I agree in principle, but I still think that Ralph running now is a bit like someone proposing a sweeping redecorating and reupholstering project. On the Titanic. After it hit the iceberg.

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Today, after a hearty brunch with my partners in a large, spacious restaurant and a quick poolside rehearsal, I put on my iPod and walked back to where I’m staying. It was about a mile through the sunny, palm-lined streets of West Hollywood in bright sunshine and 85 degree weather.

I’m a New Yorker. The overall pleasantness about each and every facet of LA life makes me deeply suspicious. What are they concealing out here, beneath their fabulous weather, large homes, demonstrably high quality of life, and obvious peace and contentment? It’s clear that they’re hiding something, or they wouldn’t be deflecting my questions with obviously evasive answers like “What do you mean? I really like it here,” and “No, I’m just smiling because I’m happy, why?” and “Honestly, I don’t know anything about any mass hypnosis, I don’t belong to any ‘loony cults,’ I’m not a disguised alien reptile who has replaced your friend, and I haven’t been ‘paid to conceal the awful truth.’ Can I buy you another drink or something?”

They’re even more delusional than I suspected if they think I’ll fall for lines like that. I’m watching them closely, yes I am. Sooner or later, one of them will slip up…