INT POLICE STATION - DAY
[A grubby police headquarters in Los Angeles. CHIEF PEMBROKE sits behind his desk, talking on the phone.]
PEMBROKE: What? Are you sure? Really? Okay, I’ll put my best man on in. [He hangs up.] God help us all. Rice! Get in here!
[Police Detective CONDOLEEZZA RICE enters, followed by her partner, OFFICER NICK FODDER.]
RICE: Yes, Chief?
PEMBROKE: We’ve just received word that Eduardo Redd has escaped from prison. I don’t need to tell you what that means, do I?
RICE: Of course not.
FODDER: Who’s Eduardo Redd?
[Pause. Rice shifts uncomfortably.]
RICE: Tell ‘im, Chief.
PEMBROKE: LA’s most desperate killer - gang connected, deeply psychotic, and responsible for multiple homicides. And now that he’s out, he’s likely to want to take revenge on this department.
RICE: Interesting theory, Chief.
PEMBROKE: Theory? He left a message on the precinct’s answering machine this morning…
[The chief hits a button on the precinct’s answering machine…]
VOICE: Hi, this is Eduardo Redd. I’m out of prison, and I’m coming for you, pigs.
RICE: Hmm. that’s a little too vague to be useful. But I’ll get right on it and write feasibility analysis to determine how we should apportion our departmental resources and -
PEMBROKE: Rice, just get out there and FIND him!
RICE [rolling her eyes]: Yes sir.
[CUT TO:]
[EXT FILTHY ALLEY - LATER]
[Rice and Fodder have JIMMY THE SNITCH pinned against a wall.]
RICE: Spill it, Jimmy.
JIMMY: Look, Redd is out. He’s planning on taking revenge on Chief Pembroke. And right now, he wants to kill some people just as a warm-up.
RICE: How do you know?
JIMMY: Because he just told me.
[Jimmy points to the other end of the alley, where a shadowy figure is exiting while drawing a gun.]
FODDER: Let’s go, Condi!
RICE: We need to get more info first, Nick.
FODDER: But he’s about to kill somebody.
RICE: We don’t KNOW THAT, Nick!
[From about a block away, we hear a loud “BANG!” Rice and Fodder exchange a glance. CUT TO:]
INT POLICE STATION - LATER
[Rice and Fodder stand in the Chief’s office.]
PEMBROKE: You didn’t do anything!?
RICE: With all due respect Chief, we didn’t have a lot to go on.
PEMBROKE: Your informant TOLD YOU that Redd was about to kill someone.
RICE: No sir, he said “wants to kill.” And that’s hardly actionable. Think about, sir - Redd’s a psychotic killer, of course he wants to kill someone. No, Jimmy’s info was only good as historical data. Background.
PEMBROKE: Why -
[The phone rings. Pembroke picks it up.]
PEMBROKE: What? Are you sure. [He hangs up.] Oh dear god. My wife’s been kidnapped by Eduardo Redd. She’s being held in a warehouse by the shore.
RICE: Geez, Chief. NOW it all makes sense.
PEMBROKE: What does?
RICE: Jimmy’s info. The answering machine message. The calls into the station this morning asking for your wife’s schedule. The unsigned note I got this afternoon reading “I’m out, and I’m gonna kidnap your Chief’s wife.”
PEMBROKE: WHAT!? Why didn’t you tell me?
RICE: There was nothing to tell, Chief. Just a couple of drops in the sea of information that comes into this station daily. What I propose is that we do a department-wide reorganization. A few structural changes will allow us to better manage the flow of info-
PEMBROKE: Later, Rice, we have to get down to the docks!
RICE: Sir, I have a Powerpoint presentation on effective communication that might be just the thing-
[The Chief has left. Sighing, Rice follows. CUT TO:]
EXT WAREHOUSE - LATER
[Rice, Fodder, and Chief Pembroke are barricaded behind a car and surrounded by officers. Penbroke hoists a megaphone.]
PEMBROKE: Come out of there, Redd.
REDD [O.S.]: No way, Pembroke. First I gotta kill your wife.
PEMBROKE: Oh god. Rice, get in there.
RICE: Not yet, Chief. Let’s see if we can learn more.
PEMBROKE: He’s gonna kill her!
RICE: We don’t know that, sir.
REDD [O.S.]: Yes, I am. For I enjoy killing people and intend to do so at this very moment.
PEMBROKE: Rice!
RICE: Sir, you’re not thinking clearly. We have to wait!
[We hear a loud BANG! Pause.]
RICE: Wow, that was unexpected. Nobody could have foreseen that coming.
[Pembroke collapses in grief. REDD emerges from the warehouse and runs towards the docks.]
FODDER: There he is! Men - get him!
RICE: NO! HOLD YOUR FIRE!
[The police lower their weapons confused. They watch as Redd limps slowly down the street to the docks, speaks to a boat rental guy, pays with a personal check, waits for bank approval, buys a few souvenirs and supplies, and finally hops on the boat and pulls away. Pause.]
FODDER: Condi - we coulda HAD him.
RICE: No, their were too many unknown factors, Nick. Besides, we’d just be swatting at flies. Redd’s not the problem, not really. To solve him, you have to solve LA’s gang problem, and to solve that, you need to regulate the flow of drugs and weapons. And to do that, you need to crack down on the various Latin American cartels whose money and power are at the root of… the things at the root of the problem. No, Nick, we need to enact some proactive bureaucratic changes that will ensure this kind of thing doesn’t happen again. It’s too late for your wife, Chief…
[Pembroke whimpers, stunned.]
RICE: But we can take steps to see that it never happens again. Men, back to the headquarters…
[Rice steps forward for a dramatic CLOSEUP.]
RICE: …We’ve got some reorganizing to do.
[Blackout.]





27 comments
CoolSchool
April 9, 2004 at 3:17 pm
1I’m laughing through my tears. Damn you Ralph Nader! Maybe we can convience him he only needs to want to run again, he doesn’t really have to do it.
tatonka
April 9, 2004 at 3:22 pm
2Reminds me of the “Adventures of Action Item”
Dee
April 9, 2004 at 3:25 pm
3And the soundtrack will feature Steve Miller’s “The Joker” (”Really love your peaches, wanna shake your trees”)
Chris
April 9, 2004 at 3:31 pm
4Excellent! I love the transcripts and the stories (”Rough Justice”) most of all on this site, and this one is great.
Don
April 9, 2004 at 3:32 pm
5It reads well, but the plot seems familiar, ADAM.
Sue
April 9, 2004 at 4:31 pm
6Excellent post, Adam! Laugh out loud funny.(But scary, too.)Thanks for the great start to my weekend.
Murray
April 9, 2004 at 4:40 pm
7Very Funny!
I listened as Condi desperately tried to portray W as a hands on leader who wanted to know everything and was in the process of clearing out all of the mess left over from Clinton when 9/11 happened.
Ummm… As I recall Bush had taken ALL of August as a vacation, (well, he’d been on the job since the end of January), he was the last to get to work, took a nap during the day and the first to leave. Everyone who has dealt with him and is not directly beholding for a job, has described W as very incurious. He doesn’t know and he doesn’t care.
It kinda reminds me of North Korea where the party line is that Kim Ill Sung’s presence makes the flowers bloom. Their people believe it too.
tess
April 9, 2004 at 5:07 pm
8wow, bush gets to take month-long vacations. what about the rest of us working schlubs who’ve found ourselves taking up the slack of our laid-off comrades?
then again, i guess he deserves it more. i mean, leader of the free world . . . must be a lot of stress not going to meetings, or reading newspapers,and getting all your information in little itty-bitty bite-sized chunks via card and rove.
Bob
April 9, 2004 at 6:26 pm
9C’mon, Tess, you’re being a little unfair. Thanks to our president, some folks have been able to take off work for months, even years.
A reminder to all: if you’re unemployed, you have a job on November 2nd.
Eric
April 9, 2004 at 8:50 pm
10According to Talking Points quoting a Washington post story today, Bush has spent 233 days at the Ranch, 78 visits to Camp David, and five visits to Maine since taking office. That totals 500 days, or 40%. Nice work if you can get it.
http://www.talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/week_2004_04_04.php#002829
Bryan
April 9, 2004 at 10:21 pm
11Yep, that about covers it. You can’t do it if you don’t try, but you can be sure of the outcome.
Elayne Riggs
April 9, 2004 at 10:38 pm
12Well done, Adam!
Deborah
April 10, 2004 at 12:07 am
13So, Adanm when are you scheduled to be on Air America? I think they could reallly use you! Love the sentiments but a start up is always a rocky thing.
Deborah
April 10, 2004 at 12:08 am
14Dang. just washed my keyboard and can’t do a thing with it!
ralph
April 10, 2004 at 1:04 am
15I just had this awful, horrible vision of Condi Rice being played by Leslie Nielsen….
poorwarren
April 10, 2004 at 2:20 am
16Adam, A work of pure genius! I bow down to you. I’ve been trying to distill Condi’s testimomy down to its absurd essentials. And now you’ve captured it! All the babble about “historical documents and whinings about not being given the “who, when and wheres” of the proposed attack! Damn, why wasn’t Osama thoughtful enough to drop off that note stating “tommorrow at 7:57 a.m. we will…..? Those vile terrorist, all they do is state they’re going to attack, but never fill in the rest of the details. What’s an ambitious administration to do? So many other priorities, taxes to cut, abortions to ban, religions to empower, job to export, environments to rape.
littlebit
April 10, 2004 at 12:46 pm
17Thank you, Adam.
chris
April 10, 2004 at 5:07 pm
18That is what we need more in this country… Where is the rest of the good satire?
AttackOfTheSpamNinja
April 10, 2004 at 5:07 pm
19You know, before reading this, I never knew that spraying Dr Pepper out your nose leaves a permanent tingle.
It’s been three hours. Damn you, Felber.
n69n
April 10, 2004 at 5:16 pm
20this is brilliant!
i hope it spreads all over the net!
& you should get it onto AirAm!
Katie
April 10, 2004 at 10:44 pm
21SNORT!!!!!!!!!
Damn you, Ralph! I am now afraid to go to sleep with such a vision burned into my brain!!!
sigh.
Diet Dr. Pepper has much the same effect.
John R
April 11, 2004 at 3:38 am
22Screw Air America, they need you at Saturday Night Live.
-=e=-
April 11, 2004 at 12:10 pm
23Oh man… ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!
AttackOfTheSpamNinja
April 11, 2004 at 12:25 pm
24Katie, I’d think that Diet Dr Pepper would have MORE of an effect; all that aspartame’s gotta burn since it can cause cancer, no?
Well, it only causes cancer if you drink about six crates of it, but hey! It’s all good.
Ibid
April 12, 2004 at 8:17 am
25Condi Rice’s purjury trial
Exhibits A-Z: video of her Sept. 11 Commission testimony.
Just be sure to have her trial AFTER Bush can no longer pardon her.
Brad
April 12, 2004 at 5:56 pm
26Can we get this on Air America Radio, please?
katie
April 13, 2004 at 10:54 pm
27ummm… AttackOfTheSpamNinja…..
What kind of timeframe are we talking for those 6 crates?… I mean if it is a single day, I’m usually in the clear, but if we are talking about a week for consumption, I’m pretty well hosed….
time to refill and ponder this state of affairs….