I try to watch “The Apprentice” every week. And a lot has been said about Donald Trump’s hair. In fact, “The Haircut of The Donald” has generated almost as much interest among pundits as the program itself.
Perhaps some of you saw the billionaire on Larry King Live, yanking on the strands of his luminous, rusty, wispy combover to prove that the hair belongs to him. A necessary maneuver, because unlike everything else that belongs to him, the haircut doesn’t have a large “TRUMP” sign nailed to the side of it.
Yet the thing that strikes me as most unusual about Trump, other than the fact that his apartment is decorated so as to resemble a food court at a Brunei shopping mall, is his handshake.
It’s obvious that everyone he meets is potentially an opponent. If you watch closely, whenever he extends a little mitt from one of the sleeves of his dark undertaker suits, you’ll notice that what begins as a simple handshake soon turns into a struggle for dominance. The handshake soon becomes…”The Yank.”
“The Yank” is how The Donald gets his “scent” on you. The billionaire literally pulls whoever he’s greeting into his body - “thump” - against his chest. Sometimes he will then let you go, but often times it turns into a hug. He has done this with the odious little toadies who populate the show (all of whom like to give it all they got outside the box at least 110 percent of the time), but he also did it with noted New York advertising exec Donnie Duetsch. Hopefully, other New York society luminaries like the 102 year old Brooke Astor can still get away with a gentle peck on the cheek.
Big or small, rich or poor, if you meet Donald Trump, you can be sure he will have the upper hand in any handshake scenario. That is why he is a winner…of handshakes. It’s not unlike being sprayed by a cat, except instead of walking away reeking of hormone-rich urine, you are merely awaft in the gentle vapors of Consort Hairspray for Men.





9 comments
tim
March 12, 2004 at 6:05 pm
1Thank goodness for “Larry King Live”. Really, can you think of any place else where billionaires have a forum to prove their hair is real?
So, did everybody go on Adam’s honeymoon? I must have missed that e-mail.
Gobbles the Trophee Turkee
March 12, 2004 at 6:55 pm
2I cut my “personal space” teeth at numerous Black Flag shows in the 80s.
Henry Rollins and the crew taught me what to do with gladhanders in the mosh pit–forearm shivv into the folding metal chairs.
Mmmm…that’ll dance in my head like sugarplum fairies as I go to sleep tonight, the Donald in a mosh pit. Or a duck pit.
Murray
March 12, 2004 at 7:08 pm
3The hand shake of Donald Trump.
Why does the mole on the ass of a flea keep running through my mind? Oh yea, it’s something insignificant on something insignificant.
“Give it all they got outside the box at least 110 percent of the time”
When I hear some one talk about “thinking out side the box” I always want to give them one upside the head. It’s so ironic that when they talk about new and creative thinking, they resort to a tired and dead cliché. If they actually had the capacity to “Think out side the box” they wouldn’t call it that.
Tim,
Yea the rest of the regulars went with Adam.
I had to stay home to mind the shop.
Gobbles the Trophee Turkee
March 12, 2004 at 7:38 pm
4I am a regular, Murray.
I recently changed my moniker to be more ridiculous.
I think Chris is doing a good job, I just don’t have much time to post lately.
Hey Chris, if TDS ever wants to follow up on “Where’s Nader getting his support?”, check out last week’s “Realtime with Bill Maher”. Stephen Moore, ultra-conservative “Club for Growth” asshat/Bizzaro-World Stephen Colbert, bleats several times during the panel that he’s given Nader “Two thousand”.
He says it several times, thinking someone would take it as a joke. Crickets.
Murray
March 12, 2004 at 8:05 pm
5Gttt
I saw that Bill Mahr too. Stephen Moore has to be one of the most annoying people that I have ever seen. He made me wince every time he talked.
Don’t get me wrong. I think that Chris is doing a fine job. He just has an impossible task replacing Adam.
How am I supposed to keep track of folks if they keep changing their name? How am I supposed to know if you are good, bad or indifferent? I’m too old to figure this out.
Miel
March 12, 2004 at 8:32 pm
6But it is his hair–I’m sure he paid for it and everything.
chris regan
March 12, 2004 at 8:45 pm
7Is it true that people are posting less? That’s too bad. Adam will be back soon. You won’t have Chris Regan to not kick around anymore!
Gobbles the Trophee Turkee
March 12, 2004 at 8:54 pm
8No, no, no, Chris. You’re doing great!
How about baring some Daily Show poop while you got the podium here?
The deep-breathing hang-up calls traced back to a “C. Kilborn”? Jon’s wire hangar outbursts after finding Nutrasweet instead of Splenda on the craft service table? Was Moe Rocca the fifth correspondent, or just a myth?
Chris fan
March 13, 2004 at 4:18 pm
9Chris,
I really enjoy your postings! Don’t let the comments of the faithful get you down. And by faithful I mean those who scare me into not wanting to leave my name for fear my politics are not up to snuff with the national public radio party.