According to CNN, turn-of-the-century footnote Osama Bin Laden “may be eyeing a move.” Sources say the noted Saudi terrorist is moving from Pakistan to Afghanistan.
Sources don’t explain how they knew he was in Pakistan or why he wasn’t apprehended in Pakistan, which is where he was, in Pakistan. I guess that definitely, without a doubt, absolutely means that he has not already been captured. No way. Shhh. Zip it. Saddam Hussein tried to kill the President’s dad.
Perhaps they’ve decided that Bin Laden will be at his most vulnerable in the days leading up to the move. Special forces might sweep in as he furtively searches the nearby liquor store for empty boxes, scans Pakistani phone poles for “Man with a Van” notices, or plies former Taliban members with the promise of beer and pizza.
“Seriously Mullah, I just have a futon and some rocket launchers. You’ll just need to watch the truck.”
This might seem like a desperate move by a washed up has-been declaring jihad on “Minute 15,” but open your eyes–The Bin Laden Revival is well under way! The search for Bin Laden will be to 2004 what Swing Dancing was to 1999. And Bin Laden’s capture might even do more for the Republicans than the Swing Dance craze did for our nation’s struggling Fedora and Suspender industry.
Everywhere you look–it’s Bin Laden! The Pentagon even announced that the search for this mastermind was going to be racheted up to “24/7.” (Up until now, his crimes had only warranted “double secret probation” and “very thin ice.”) Even the President has sampled some of Bin Laden’s old stuff for his TV commercials. It still really holds up!
Yes, Osama Bin Laden is still big. It was just his mentions in the President’s speeches that got small.
(On a side note:
Whatever the outcome of the Bin Laden Hunt redux, at least Americans know we can rely upon the Saudi Royal Family - friends of freedom and members of Air Force One’s Admirals Club - to be most helpful. Despite the occasional gifts of “mad money” to known terrorist organizations, a few years ago they made certain to revoke Bin Laden’s citizenship. Hear that, Osama? if you want to come home, you’re going to have to go through customs! And God help you if you visited a farm while in Afghanistan!)
Fanny Roborat
10 comments
Nick Fury
March 9, 2004 at 3:20 pm
1God help you if you visited a farm while in Afghanistan!
Good Lord, man. If he’s been to a farm, God help us all.
(steely glance)
God help us all.
Raymond Chen
March 9, 2004 at 5:25 pm
2Waitasec, only NOW are we looking for ObL 24/7? Up til now we were just looking for him 9-to-5?
Anonymous
March 9, 2004 at 7:13 pm
3Come on, everybody knows that all those moving companies are run by ex-Israeli soldiers.
How could OBL possibly move unless he rented the van himself? But ever since his guys tried to get their deposit back in ‘93, Ryder’s been on to him. They’ve got a Xerox of his drivers licence taped to the cash register at each location with “DO NOT RENT TO THIS GUY” scribbled in black magic marker.
/gotta say, the visual of “Seriously Mullah, I just have a futon and some rocket launchers. You’ll just need to watch the truck.” had me pissing my pants.
Adam who?
tim
March 9, 2004 at 8:43 pm
4I liked “double secret probation” myself. You can almost picture Dick Cheney as Dean Wormer. Now if only we can get somebody to throw up on him.
tess
March 9, 2004 at 10:15 pm
5finally! the administration is going to do something profound and uplifting by capturing this horrid man and making him pay for 9-11 so that the administration can finally stop milking it for all it’s worth for the election! my god, it almost makes me want to become an evangelical baptist, give up my right to vote, get married, and go pregnant and barefoot to the kitchen and make my closeted gay wife-beating husband a sandwich! well, almost.
thank you president bush for making me see the light by FINALLY going after the terriorist mastermind who’s managed to hide out for 3 years while on kidney dialysis!
Ken, Just Ken...
March 10, 2004 at 5:18 am
6Tess,
I imagine that as soon as Osama Bin Ladin is found al Qa’ida will be filing a patent for their amazing Portable Dialysis machine.
Oregon State University claims that they’re developing a Portable Dialysis machine right now that will make it possible for people needing Dialysis to finally get it at home rather than rather than needing to be in the hospital 3 days a week.
Al Qa’ida must be far more advanced than previously thought.
kate
March 10, 2004 at 8:51 am
7Why would Osama ask his Mullah to help him move?
I can imagine that a Minister would have something more impotant to do than help me move.
BettieWheelie
March 10, 2004 at 9:58 am
8With apologies to her family, can we find Osama bin Laden the way we found Elizabeth Smart? She was in hiding (actually, kidnapped and marched into the foothills behind the University of Utah), then appeared at a party where her fundaMENTAList preacher dude and his (only) wife quaffed beer on one occasion (photos were taken). No one made the connection there. It was only when the three of them crossed the street in half-burka gear that citizens of Sandy (a mere 15 miles from the capitol city of Salt Lake) duly noted their presence and called the long arm of the law. A few Sandy cops came to the intersection, put them in the cruiser, threw two of them in jail, and called the parents of the third. She went missing for nine months (the local papers and television stations are now heralding the “One Year After Elizabeth Returns Home” crap) but in fact was being held in a lean-to two miles up a trail near the U.
And hey! I remember post-9/11 that someone here thought he saw OBL pulling a vehicle into a local 7-11 for a big gulp refill. Oh those heady days of OBL spottings.
Murray
March 10, 2004 at 6:03 pm
9Hey!
I know for a fact that OBL was spotted at a McDonalds in Michigan. He was sitting at the table right behind elvis.
Jonathan Lundell
March 11, 2004 at 1:31 am
10I suspect it was a mistranslation, and should have been, ” Osama Bin Laden ‘may be eyeing a movie.’” Holding out for Gibson, no doubt…..