John Kerry thinks he’s got it wrapped up. Thinks he’s headed for a Super Tuesday bonanza. And sure, Edwards might be holding a losing hand.

Not so fast, Senator. The Felber campaign is alive and well, and we’re gonna surprise a lot of people when the polls close tonight. Let’s take a look at how I stack up against our so-called frontrunner:

The Record
This has got to be Kerry’s weakest point, and my strongest. There’s a reason why so few congressmen get elected to the highest office in the land - they’ve got voting records. See, bills are huge, unwieldy things, packed with porky, irrelevant amendments that congressmen might disagree with but have to vote on anyway to serve the greater good.
Idiots. As a result of having a voting record, Kerry can easily be painted as too liberal, too conservative, too warlike, too pacifistic, soft on crime, hard on victims, whatever. Bush can point to Clinton budget and lambast Kerry for voting to cripple the military, or he can point to one of his own budgets and take Kerry to task for voting to quadruple the deficit.
Me, I don’t have a congressional voting record. Neither does Bush.
Advantage: Felber

Personal History
Much has been made of Kerry’s “war hero” status, and I can’t take that away from him. I haven’t actually served in the military. I’ve been in surprisingly few bar fights, too. In fact, except for a mugging in 1986 and getting into a fight with David Loxman in the seventh grade, my life has been fairly unmarked by violence.
But that’s a positive. I managed to lead five improv groups, several casts, and many, many staffs and classes without once going to war. Sure, there were times when I became angry at a rival comedy troupe or became annoyed at a particularly loud class next door to mine, but I found a peaceful means of resolution. For instance, there was a time when it seemed that a a few well-placed grenades and a little napalm would have cemented ImprovBoston’s comedic advantage over The Angry Tuxedos, but I didn’t do it. I chose peace.
Advantage: Tie

Policy
Kerry’s saying he’s going to roll back the tax cuts - I’m not. Kerry’s saying we have to work through the UN in international conflicts - I’m not. Kerry has articulated a detailed economic plan - I haven’t. Kerry’s come out in favor of civil unions and against gay marriage - I haven’t.
On issue after issue, Kerry has boxed himself into a corner while I’ve managed to leave myself room to maneuver. Both Kerry and Bush say that they’re not going to let polls dictate their policies, that they are instead men of principle.
And that’s where I’ve got them. I too am a man of principle, but letting the polls determine what I believe is my strongest guiding principle. So when you vote for me, you can rest assured that I’ll always stand by my firm conviction that you should tell me what to do.
Advantage: Felber

Conclusion: If we can get the message out, Super Tuesday will be the day when the Kerry campaign finally has to acknowledge that I’m not going away. If not, I’m still not going away. Felber ‘04 - He’s Got No Place Else To Be.