From: Karl Rove
To: All personnel
Re: Where We Are Strong
Hey guys. In planning for a Bush-Kerry fight, we’re going to have to take a clear-eyed look at our strengths and vulnerabilities. As always, it’s a matter of deciding not only where we put the goal-posts, but where we play the game, what sport we’re playing, and what amusing things we can do to the hot water pipes in the opponent’s locker room. So let’s take a look at what we have here as far as actual issues are concerned…
Weaknesses
Iraq - Obviously, we have to talk about it. But let’s not get too deep into this one. What with the intelligence flap, the continuing casualties, and the whole possibility-of-civil-war thing, it’s not our strongest card. Stick to the general stuff - Saddam’s gone, democracy will rule, etc. - and then move on.
Jobs - The whole “first president since Hoover to lose jobs” thing is a real black eye. Maybe we could point to the amazing drop in unemployment in India and China - KIDDING! 
Seriously, this isn’t a fight we can win. “It’s getting better.” That’s what you say. Then change the subject.
Environment - Not really a strong suit for us. I’m going to put together the “Sunshine And Lollipops Green Meadows And Happy Bunnies Initiative,” which will allow power and chemical companies to dump PCB’s directly onto the heads of certain wildlife. Still, details are to be avoided on the ol’ ecosystem issue if possible.
War on Terror - Until we catch you-know-who, I’d sort of downplay this particular issue. If anything, you should stress that 100% of the hijackers who directly participated in the 9/11 attacks are dead.
The Deficit - Whoa! Don’t go near this one, hombre! Change the subject. Don’t let them dictate the arena of discussion.
Health Care - They’re going to say that we’ve been giving away massive amounts of money to the pharmaceutical corporations while doing little or nothing to make insurance affordable or accessible. We’re going to talk about keeping everyone’s titties covered during the Super Bowl. Get it?
Strengths
Taxes - We cut ‘em! They want to raise ‘em! Game, set, and match! [Note: Time for more cuts?]
So there you have it. Sure, it’s not a pretty picture. But let me remind you all - four years ago we were behind on every single issue except taxes, and we won anyway! So no long faces - we’ll leave that to Kerry! [Get it? Seriously, that guy’s got an extremely long face. Maybe this could be turned into the defining issue of the campaign if we play it right. Email me your ideas!]
Cheers,
Karl
Fanny Roborat
15 comments
Ken, Just Ken...
February 16, 2004 at 3:36 pm
1P.S.
As for the President’s National Guard Service; Tell them that nearly 4 years as Commander and chief of the whole millitary surely makes up for his alleged time off in 1973.
Heck, he’s taken more vacation time while being President than he’s supposed to have missed in the Guard… and nobody’s saying he’s A.W.O.L. now. Right?
(Somebody ask legal about that. They can’t, can they?)
Murray
February 16, 2004 at 5:42 pm
2P.P.S.
Always remember, if you control the language you control the issue.
“Clear Skies” was our initiative to let power companies dispose of those pesky pollutants into the air.
“Healthy Forests” was where we let timber companies cut all the trees they wanted.
“Death tax” was some one gets a windfall fortune and doesn’t have to pay taxes on it.
“Operation Iraqi freedom” We remove a dictator and install an occupying force.
You get the idea. Besides the democrats always roll over dead if we yell loud enough.
Murray
February 16, 2004 at 6:01 pm
3Almost forgot.
Be sure to get all of our media friends to continue to start every story on the democrats by saying that however good they are, and however much they are liked by the public, they can’t be elected.
See what it did for Dean? If they keep pounding it home, those idiot voters will buy it.
Talk about stupid! We got blue collar workers to support a tax policy that increases their share while cutting our friends amount.
Just because Americans want what’s good for them, is no reason to give it to them. All we need to do is give them the words they want to hear.
Words, that’s all.
Ras_Nesta
February 16, 2004 at 8:57 pm
4Don’t forget the “Look out! Terrorist under every pot!” strength Bush plays with such conviction.
Conviction? I wouldn’t Plame ya’…
Worst. President. Ever.
Pissed off
February 16, 2004 at 10:04 pm
5You are all a bunch of assholes. Each and every one of you. You and GWB can all go to hell.
Dee
February 16, 2004 at 10:57 pm
6Well that just tears it. I’ve resisted for the last year and a half but now it’s official.
Irony is dead.
Pissed on
February 16, 2004 at 11:34 pm
7Anyone see my brother Pissed off around here? He got out of the basement and we’re a little worried he might hurt himself…
Low level staffer
February 17, 2004 at 1:23 am
8To: Mr Rove
Fr: A Low Level Staffer
Re: How we can get stronger
I’ve got an idea that can kill two birds with one stone. Let’s increase the casualties in Iraq. Hang with me on this one. The more soldiers who die in combat it becomes more obvious how dangerous the enemy is and how important it is that we have a ‘war president’ to protect us.
But that’s not the real bonus. The real bonus is that most of the casualties will be Reservists on active duty, not regular Army. These aren’t true patriots. These men and women are holding jobs in the mainland while they are away in the Middle East. How fair is that? If you want a job in Alabama or wherever, you should stay in Alabama, not go off to Iraq or Afghanistan. If these people don’t come back to the mainland, it frees up the jobs for hard working Americans.
After all, isn’t that what this election is all about? Creating jobs? If we can’t create new ones, maybe we can create new vacancies.
Ken, Just Ken...
February 17, 2004 at 2:22 am
9Hey Adam,
Any chance of setting up some sort of minimum sense of humor/satire requirement test for posting here?
On second thought, don’t do it.
I’m afraid I might not pass, either.
tess
February 17, 2004 at 4:19 am
10shouldn’t the war on terror bit read:
“War on Terror - you know, we gotta wheel out you-know-who at just the right time or else the shock’ll wear off and people’ll remember all over again that we’re the greediest war-profiteers the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since the Reconstruction after the Civil War (Mr. President, we’ll have someone brief you on it since we all know you were too drunk to remember anything from beyond middle school).”
Kerry
February 17, 2004 at 9:55 am
11Actually the “War in Iraq” could be spun like this. Bush and Rummy cleverly created a power vacum by removing Saddam, while at the same time providing a big fat target for terrorists with our military and a severly weakened Iraq. Then they sat back and rang the dinnner bell.
This way we don’t have go trotting all over the globe rooting out terrorists. That “great big sucking sound” you hear are all the Jihadists flowing into Iraq. They come to us… and then blow themselves up.
Or something like that. What do you think?
Anonymous
February 17, 2004 at 5:31 pm
12I check this site every day and am always distraught if there hasn’t been a new posting by Adam. Adam, don’t disappoint your many fans!
johne
February 17, 2004 at 5:49 pm
13Kerry, didn’t Rush Limbaugh beat you to the jihadi magnet idea several months ago? What’s a satirist to do, when the satirees keep stealing marches on us?
G-Man
February 17, 2004 at 7:41 pm
14I too became despondent when there wasn’t a fresh Felber nugget to enjoy. But soon realized my selfishness. Adam, you must have been budy writing your victory speech in more-frigid-than-NY Wisconsin, and simply didn’t have…wait a minute…why didn’t the media cover your WI landslide, Adam? Dont’ tell us you’ve withdrawn from the race??
If you have withdrawn, I guess we should expect to see an internet gossip columnist promulgate a series of salacious “news” reports stemming from some misquoted, 3rd-hand, off-the-record remark you made about the candidate you’re endorsing?
It might go something like this:
XXXXX FUDGE REPORT XXXXX THU FEB 12, 2004 11:45:28 ET XX
** WORLD EXCLUSIVE**
** Must credit The FUDGE REPORT **
A frantic behind-the-scenes drama is unfolding around (insert name) and his quest to lockup the Democratic nomination for president, the FUDGE REPORT can reveal.
The FUDGE REPORT has learned of the SHOCKING revelations through a friend of a friend of a source of an acquaintance who’s cat once hissed at (insert name). Adam Felber, presidential hopeful and long-time (insert name) rival plainly stated: “(insert name)will implode over an issue that has no legs, no substance, and whose purpose will ultimately backfire.” [Three cats in attendance confirm Felber made the startling comments.]
A serious investigation of the cat and the nature of her relationship with (insert name)has been underway at CAT FANCY magazine, the WASHINGTON TIMES, and FOX NEWS, where the cat in question once worked.
Developing…
Kerry
February 17, 2004 at 9:43 pm
15Johne, that’s what I get for not making time in my day to listen to rant radio, I mean talk radio. Not that I’m too proud to plagerize even if I had heard it from the asses mouth, I mean horses mouth.
Your right though, most of the material coming from the far right doesn’t need much help. Just add a little “Satire Helper” and you too can have your own blog.
Of course we all genuflect to Adam. He da man!