Every year, hundreds of thousands of people who are not football fans find themselves watching the orthopedist’s nightmare known as the Super Bowl, that annual pageant wherein America’s finest strut their stuff in momentary bursts of furiously creative hyperactivity. And in between those commercials, there’s a game being played.

That game is what we’re concerned with here. As a lapsed football fan, I’m uniquely qualified to help non-fans find a way to appreciate what’s happening on the gridiron. So print out this handy guide, memorize it, and then you’ll be ready to stake out a place on the couch and enjoy yourself as much as any fist-pumping fan in the room.

Snap! Crackle! Ow!
Professional football players carry more weight and power it with more muscle than the human skeleton was ever meant to sustain, and they throw themselves at each other according to a set of rules that far predates the advent of such behemoths. Add to that the natural and artificial highs that accompany The Biggest Game Of Their Lives, and you’re going to see some spectacular injuries, particularly in the first few minutes. If you abandon any sort of wimpy compassion and allow yourself to enjoy this as gladiatorial combat, you’re sure to have a ball. [Personally, after a particularly vicious quarterback sack, I like to rise majestically from my chair, clasp my toga to my breast, and extend one hand forward, thumb pointing downwards.]

Sound Knowledgeable, Part 1: De-Fense!
You can sound extremely knowledgeable about football without actually knowing anything (how do you think Jim Fassel has managed to land so many coaching jobs?). The main thing you need to know in order to sound like you know what you don’t really know is this: It’s all about the defense.
To a football fan, when the ball does not advance ten yards in less than four plays, that’s because of “good defense.” Whenever the ball doesn’t go far, you can say “Whoa, nice defense,” and everyone will agree. Paradoxically, real fans don’t generally view the advancement of the ball as “good offense.” If a team begins to travel downfield with alacrity, that’s when you look at the other team disdainfully and say things like, “Whoa, their defense is falling apart!” and “Whoa, they’re really missing their defensive assignments.” Say this a few times and everyone will think you know what you’re talking about. Say it a few more times and you might end up coaching the New York Giants next season.

Queer Eye for the Straight Game
It is an immutable physical law that at any Super Bowl party of sufficient size, some non-fan will offer the insight that football is, in fact, very, very gay. The wag will then point to terminology (tight ends, backfields in motion, etc.), customs (the center snap, ass-slapping, etc.), and off-field activity (hugging on the sidelines, teammates taking each other out to dinner and then having sex with each other, etc.) as evidence that football is a festival of latent homosexuality. Football fans will inevitably respond with anger, and a teasing melee will ensue. Do not get involved in this discussion. It never goes anywhere, and it’s an unfair attack on football fans and their incredibly gay sport.

Follow the Commentators
Frequently in football the better team will catch a few bad breaks early, methodically execute their game plan, come back, and win. Even if you notice this taking place, it is forbidden to say so until the better team actually takes the lead. Listen to the commentators: Whichever team is winning at the moment is doing everything right (even if they aren’t) and whichever team is losing isn’t doing anything right (even if they are). Don’t rock the boat - if you say anything you’ll just look like a contrarian fool for awhile, and then you’ll look like an insufferable smarty-pants (if you doubt this, just think about the Democrats and President Bush’s tax cuts).

Sound Knowledgeable, Part 2: Special Teams
Any football play that does not involve people grabbing the ball and running directly into each other or throwing the ball and running directly into each other is a play that is left to the special teams. Despite their name, these teams are not generally any more retarded than their less-special counterparts; they’re just different. All you need to know is that when you see a play that involves people kicking the ball and then running directly into each other, that’s when you attempt to determine which team did better on the play and remark, “Whoa, that’s some good work from the _____’s special teams.” You will sound knowledgeable. In fact, by some standards, you now are knowledgeable.

This Actual Game
This year’s game is between the New England Patriots and the Carolina Panthers, two franchises that would rather not commit themselves to a particular city. The Patriots are a better team. The Panthers have a cooler-looking uniform. Neither fact has much to do with who’s going to win the game. [The Patriot’s uniform, by the way, has the look of a 9 year-old Marvel Comics fan’s Halloween costume. Do not mention this during the game (see “Queer Eye for the Straight Game,” above).]
No, the game is going to come down to (you guessed it) defense and special teams. Despite the fact that they’re almost always previewed as hard-nosed defensive struggles, Super Bowls are almost always surprisingly high-scoring affairs. This year, however, we’re expecting a hard-nosed defensive struggle.
Enjoy!

And yes, of course, when all is said and done, it really is all about the commercials. This fact doesn’t cheapen the game or detract from its excitement or purity; it just lets you know how you should time your bathroom breaks.