[Candidate Felber struggles into a crowded town hall in the wilds of New Hampshire, carrying the large stump of a felled maple tree. He places the stump on the podium and gets on top of it. This arrangement compels him to bend at the waist just to get near the microphone below. Hunched but determined, he addresses the throng….]

Hello New Hampshire! How are ya? In 48 hours you’re gonna elect the next guy who’s gonna have somewhat of an advantage in the race to get the chance to run against another guy for the office of President of the United States! Yeeaaaarrrrrghh! [Cheers, applause]

We’ve come a long way. We had to skip Iowa due to lack of funds, and even our presence here in New Hampshire is limited to these pretend New Hampshire town hall speeches that exist only on my website. [Cheers] Butt I’m here to tellya that Adam Felber is not giving up, Adam Felber is not backing down, and Adam Felber is going wind up on top this Tuesday! [Cheers, applause]

Let’s talk about some of the other candidates for a minute. [Boos] Now, now, please, be kind, rewind, as they say. But the simple truth is that my fellow candidates want to raise taxes on you while giving handouts to those other people. [Boos, hisses] Now, maybe I’m just a simple country bumpkin, but I say why not give the tax breaks to you and make those other folks who are not you pay their fair share?! [Ecstatic cheers, applause, stomping] Thank you. Thank you.

Now some of my colleagues have been criticizing my domestic agenda. [Boos] “What is it?” they ask. “He doesn’t have one,” they say. “He’s basically just stealing our proposals and putting his own name on ‘em,” they whine. Well, I just wanna tell my esteemed colleagues that the Felber campaign isn’t going to be a slave to the special interests in Washington and their politically connected cronies inside the Beltway who are constantly lobbying for so-called “policies” and “positions” and “ideas!” Because I’m not running this campaign for those slick, big money Washington insiders. I’m running this campaign for you! [Cheers, applause]

Why are the other candidates scared of us? So scared that most days they don’t even mention me - why? I’ll tell you why - because they’re scared of what I can do, what WE can do. Because we’re gonna balance the budget while giving lots of stuff to you, we’re gonna bring our soldiers back home while fighting terror all over the globe, we’re gonna educate every child on somebody else’s nickel, and we’re going to once and for all take the government back from the special interests and fat cats and give it back to you, the people! [Cheers, applause, more cheers] And then you, the people, having taken back the government will carry it back here to New Hampshire! [slightly less enthusiastic cheers] And you’ll take it and bury it near a disused quarry where the special interests will never find it! [scattered cheers, slight confusion] And you’ll mark the spot where you hid the government with clever, woodsy methods so that whenever you need it you can find it! [Silence, assorted murmurs of “Huh?” and “Wha-?”] And, um, uh… [dead silence]….. um, fuck Bush! [Tumultuous applause, cheers] Thank you. Thank you.

Finally, I have a message for our so-called President, George W. Bush. [Boos, hisses] I’ve been watching you. I saw how you took on Al Gore in 2000, I know your tactics, and when I’m the nominee, you’re not gonna have such an easy time almost winning the election! For every vague position you take, I will be vaguer; for every expensive and ultimately unfundable proposal you make, I will propose twice as much; for every flash of contempt you show for articulate and well-thought-out criticism, I will be a veritable mime show of smirks, chuckles, and eye-rolls; for every complex issue that you airbrush down to simple, ultimately meaningless black-and-white “principles,” I will be simpler, dumber, folksier, and more contemptuous of anything that even smacks of rational political discourse, all the time pursuing an agenda so self-serving and destructive that you won’t know what hit you! [Cheers, applause] Because, President Bush, you might think that you can hide your contempt for the American people and your big money, environment-trashing, freedom-squashing agenda behind a folksy smile and easy manner, but I know I can, and that’s what I’m doing to these people right here, that’s what I’m gonna do Tuesday, and in the general election, and in the White House!! [Huge cheers, applause, stomping, chanting]

Thank you. Thank you. But remember, folks, it all starts this Tuesday, and if you don’tn get out there and vote Felber, then it will be that much harder to justify the eventual victory that my well-greased friends on the election board have guaranteed me. Every vote counts, even if it doesn’t get counted, and that’s why I need you to come out on Tuesday and show them that Adam Felber is your choice for New Hampshire and your choice for America. Thank you, and God bless America! [Cheers, applause. Adam gets off the stump and raises his fists in triumph. He makes his way slowly out of the hall, shaking hands, as a high school marching band plays “Hey Ya” and a Native American on a nearby hillside looks on, a single tear trickling down his cheek.]