We’re nearing the time where Fanatical Apathy’s Campaign ‘04 Slime-O-Meter will issue its first definitive report, complete with colorful and misleading graphs and charts. In fact, I’ve just re-broken my “Don’t Spend More Than 30 Minutes Per Day On Your Silly Blog” rule by combing over the transcript from Saturday’s Democratic debate in search of flagrant sliminess. More on that later.

Dedicated sludgologist Curtis Erhart asks about repeat offenses, and it’s a legitimate concern for us here at FA Labs: What if a candidate repeats the exact same slur again and again? They do that sometimes, you know. I’ve determined that undue repetition of a slander or distortion will cost the candidate a one-time charge of 5 additional slime points, though any additions or enhancements to said muck may be counted as separate offenses down the road.

The debate featured everything from legitimate attacks to legitimate slime. It may be instructive to note that real, grade-A mud has to involve a degree of willful distortion. For instance, Gephardt’s “Everyone up here, except for Dennis, voted for NAFTA… they did the wrong thing…” is a prime example - he knew it wasn’t exactly true, but golly, would it make a great evening news soundbite. That, fellow hunters, is the real mudcoy.

In reading the transcript, a couple of things struck me:

- Dick Gephardt’s really making a push, and it’s as negative as the balance in our nation’s checkbook. Being so close to home has evidently made he-of-the-fluorescent-eyebrows start to feel his well-subsidized oats.

- Howard Dean’s not going to rack up a lot Slime Points in the coming weeks, as he seems to have finally figured out how to be a frontrunner � gracious and positive and ready to accept endorsements. Now, despite what these last few posts might indicate, I’m not an ardent Dean supporter. I’m just not a fan of the self-destructive smackdowns that the other Democrats have been subjecting him to. In fact, I like Dean no more than the next guy, provided the next guy is Kerry, Clark, or Felber. [Felber’s clearly the best candidate, but he’s been running a lackadaisical campaign and I have serious questions about his past.]

- Objectivity is tough when judging muck. My growing antipathy for master-of-the-whinging-cheap-shot Joe Lieberman has made me especially careful not to dock him for what could be construed as a legitimate attack. Conversely, it pains me to penalize Kerry, who seems to have a knack for conducting himself with honor and then launching last-minute, overly-planned smears. But I think I’ve managed to maintain an objective stance. “Objective” from my perspective, of course, and there’s no better objectivity out there, in my humble opinion, believe you me.

- Lastly, I need your help. There’s no way I can dig up all the muck on the muck that’s being flung. Also, I won’t get to see many of the increasingly grotesque ads in Iowa and New Hampshire and elsewhere, which may start to rise to the level of a “Bush in South Carolina,” the veritable gold standard of campaign sleaze (you can keep your Willie Horton � to me, Bush, the Man Who Poisoned Houston, depicting McCain in front of belching smokestacks is the zenith of slime in our time.).

So keep those emails coming. Avail yourself of the forum. Check out the official rules here. Remember, whining and ridicule are the last refuges of the powerless. Let’s take �em.