First Quarter

- A Frightening Evil will begin to gather in the East. President Bush will mention it in his State of the Union Address.

- Howard Dean will show up at the New Hampshire primary dirty and bruised, his nose broken. When he points out that this was done behind a Manchester public school by the other candidates, Terry McAuliffe will call him “A whiner, and worse, a tattletale.” Dean will win the primary, but will make his victory speech hampered by a massive wedgie.

- The stock market will soar, running from a cliff’s edge up a set of stone stairs and beyond, into the open air. In the time-honored tradition of Wile E. Coyote, the market won’t, at first, glance down at the yawning deficit below.

- Brandon Thidwick, of Gary, Indiana, will invent an engine that runs on garbage and expels pure H2O. He’ll test it several times in a motorized vehicle and head off to the patent office…

- “Sex In The City” will finally leave us. A nation of lazy columnists will have to actually go outside to find out about “social trends” or “what women are thinking.”

- Osama bin Laden will publish a children’s’ book, “The Spunky Little Mujahadin.” His winter U.S. signing tour will somehow stay one step ahead of American intelligence, despite the full-page Barnes & Noble newspaper ads.

- People born on February 29th, 1920 will finally be of legal drinking age. Happy birthday!

Second Quarter

- Howard Dean’s nomination all but assured, George W. Bush’s team will begin extensive research on how to slam him. The research will consist entirely of Joe Lieberman’s stump speeches.

- Someone will allege that the Democrats are hiding Osama bin Laden and helping him plan a pre-Election Day attack. Glenn Reynolds at Instapundit will report this as “news” with his usual flair for cogent investigatory analysis: “Indeed.”

- In archetypal Looney Tunes fashion, the stock market will look down, realize it’s hanging over a gaping deficit, turn towards us, stricken, and wave “Bye bye…”

- That Gathering Evil in the East, well, it’ll turn out to be really, really bad. Maybe worse than we thought. Military action might be necessary. Seriously, this thing could blow at any time…

- Rush Limbaugh will publish a book about his triumph over a drug habit that was, in fact, the Clintons’ fault.

- Brandon Thidwick, of Gary, Indiana, will begin peddling his remarkable garbage-burning engine in Detroit and writing letters to Washington…

Third Quarter

- A newspaper will refer to one of President Bush’s policies as “really super, but not necessarily 100% good, though we could be wrong.” Legions of pundits, Freepers, bloggers, and Average Citizens will decry this blatant example of liberal media bias, ensuring a free pass ‘til Election Day.

- The 2004 Athens Olympics will end tragically when the decathalon gold medalist discovers that the silver medalist is his mother. Much gouging of eyes will result, just before the women’s swim teams go mad and savage an entire herd of cattle.

- Brandon Thidwick, of Gary, Indiana, will die tragically in a freak rickshaw accident just hours after a triumphant meeting wherein he demonstrated his remarkable garbage-burning engine to Vice President Dick Cheney.

- The Looming Evil in the East will loom larger and larger. President Bush warns said loomers that their nefarious activities will not stand, and complains that this extremely important crisis is keeping him from the campaign trail.

- The Democratic National Convention will be marred by fears about that Gathering Evil in the East. Howard Dean will accept the nomination with grace despite the unexpected “whoopee podium,” of which Gephardt and Lieberman will strenuously deny any knowledge.

Fourth Quarter

- Bush and Dean’s first debate will be cut short after only 10 minutes when President Bush receives an urgent message that the Really Evil Guy and His Friends in the East have suddenly become so very, very dangerous and evil that the situation can no longer wait. For the first time in months, America will mobilize and go to war.

- Ann Coulter will shoot to #1 with her new book, “Cannibals: How Liberal Hollywood Plans to Eat Your Baby’s Head.”

- Peter Jackson will unexpectedly find and release “The Lord of the Rings Part IV: Gimli’s Makeover.”

- Election Day. Despite the war, the final tally will give Dean 15,000,000 more votes than Bush and a 137 vote edge in the electoral college. It will prove to be almost enough to unseat Bush.