The Vanada Diner, Nashua, N.H.
[In an old-timey diner, the press and public gather around the candidates, who sit in semicircular booths along the wall. The candidates all look conspicuously folksy in windbreakers, flannel shirts, workboots, ballcaps, dungarees, overalls, straw hats, sneakers, tool belts, sweatsuits, T-shirts, hip boots, parkas, and etc.]
MODERATOR: Okay, next question. Congressman Gephardt - if you were elected, what specifically would you do to protect our environment?
GEPHARDT: You know, I think I’m going to let Governor Dean field that one.
KERRY: Hee hee…
DEAN: What, again?
MODERATOR: You’re giving Governor Dean your time, Congressman?
GEPHARDT: Yup. But I’d like the first rebuttal.
MODERATOR: Governor Dean?
DEAN: Well, all right… As I’ve said, I think the Bush administration has ruined our environmental policy and damaged the resources of this great nation. We need strong regulations, incentives, and we need to get back on board with the Kyoto accord. America needs to lead, not follow, in saving our planet’s environment, and right now we’re not even following. Uh, thank you.
MODERATOR: Mr. Gep-
GEPHARDT: Well, I for one cannot sit here while Howard Dean calls America “damaged.” This is the greatest nation on earth, Governor, and if you don’t feel that way you have no business leading it!
DEAN: No, see -
EDWARDS: I just wanna piggyback on this one - Dick’s right. Governor Dean thinks America’s “damaged” and should “follow before we lead?” We’re not followers, Howard, we’re America!
LIEBERMAN: I think it’s a clear choice now for America between a man who can’t go three minutes without putting his foot in his mouth and…
[Lieberman prepares to make a quip. His eyes twinkle, the right side of his mouth turns upwards, he draws a breath and hunches his shoulders so as to indicate that what is to come is a quip and that there can be no misunderstanding of that fact. The process takes several minutes, during which:]
DEAN: No, listen, I was just making a simple point about how the Bush administration has hijacked our environmental agenda and twisted it to benefit his friends, the polluters and scofflaws who fund his campaign.
KERRY: How sad.
SHARPTON: Doesn’t the man think before he speaks? Doesn’t the man think?
KERRY: I’m all for criticizing the Bush administration, but I cannot endorse Governor Dean’s calling them “terrorists.” The President might be wrong on a lot of things, but he is not a “hijacker.” Shame on you, Howard.
KUCINICH: Tsk, tsk.
EDWARDS: Calling our President a terrorist. That’s low. Can I get some more coffee, miss?
MOSELEY BRAUN: I’m a candidate.
EDWARDS: Super!
LIEBERMAN: … a man who will help our country foot its bills.
[Lieberman offers a wan, modest smile and slight shrug to indicate beyond a shadow of a doubt that his quip is now complete and the time for laughing at said quip has begun.]
MODERATOR: General Clark, would you care to respond?
CLARK: Well, I’m not sure what the original question was, but let me say that as a military man, I’ve found that freedom -
MODERATOR: Let me repeat the question for you -
SHARPTON: The question was this - do you agree with Howard Dean that this is a damaged country with a terrorist President?
DEAN: Hey, that wasn’t-
CLARK: Well, no, of course not. America’s a great country, and-
MODERATOR I think we have to move on to the next question.
EDWARDS [in an undertone]: Just cream and one sugar would be great.
MOSELEY BRAUN: What!?
LIEBERMAN: See, I was using a double-meaning for “foot,” as in “foot in mouth” as opposed to “foot the bill…”
MODERATOR: Next question is for you, General Clark. How can we best safeguard Medicare in order to keep it solvent while insuring quality healthcare for the elderly?
CLARK: Well, I -
[Kerry clears his throat loudly. Gephardt kicks Clark under the table. Edwards straightens his collar and jerks his head meaningfully towards Dean.]
CLARK: Um… I’d like to… let, uh, Governor Dean… take that one?
[The other candidates smile broadly.]
MODERATOR: Are you sure you want to give the Governor your time, General Clark?
CLARK (looking around at the nods of encouragement): Uh, “yes?”
GEPHARDT: Atta boy!
KERRY: Well played!
EDWARDS: You’re gettin’ there…
MODERATOR: Governor Dean?
DEAN: Well, I guess… I think of the state of healthcare in this country as a more real threat than Saddam Hussein was, in some ways. [Looking around:] No, wait, let me rephrase that….
[etc.]
Fanny Roborat
22 comments
patrick
December 30, 2003 at 2:58 pm
1Brilliant.
Curtis Erhart
December 30, 2003 at 3:05 pm
2I can’t believe that Dean is comparing the brave doctors and nurses of this great nation with a brutal dictator, and unfavorably to boot!
Bob
December 30, 2003 at 3:24 pm
3I can’t believe that in a little over two months I’m going to be casting a vote for one of these people. Isn’t it time to bring in the stunt candidates?
Don
December 30, 2003 at 3:35 pm
4As usual, Adam, you have superbly captured the essence of your subject.
And isn’t it an underwhelming experience to realize just what the alternative choices to the Shrub consist of?
More like frightening.
Jack
December 30, 2003 at 5:01 pm
5I always think you’re at your best when you’re writing little dialogues and conversations. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii love it!
Murray
December 30, 2003 at 5:36 pm
6As Mo Udall used to say, “When the democrats form a firing squad, they make a circle”.
Then again, no one was noticing a big nosed governor of a small southern state at this time 4 years ago, and only took notice of him when a sex scandal broke. He, of course, went on to mop up Bush I, destroy Newt, and crush Dole. If he were eligible to run again even W’s vote rigging wouldn’t stop Clinton from winning overwhelmingly.
So who knows? Maybe Dean or Clark or both together will become another force in politics.
You can keep Lieberman, Gephardt, and most of the rest.
littlebit
December 30, 2003 at 6:03 pm
7Dem’s need to substitute the firing squad circle for some kind of circling of the wagons. The candidate squad should see this piece — it is so succint. Spot on. And a scream.
Marla
December 30, 2003 at 6:21 pm
8I just hope Dean reads this piece.
Pat R.
December 31, 2003 at 12:08 am
9Would someone please take the batteries out of the Joe Lieberman stunt candidate so that it will finally stop spewing clueless twaddle? (Or better yet, ship it directly to the Republican National Committee where it actually belongs!)
Ananna
December 31, 2003 at 7:26 am
10Adam, I love you.
tim
December 31, 2003 at 9:25 am
11Poor Carol Moseley Braun. I’m half-expecting one of the debate moderators to ask her, “Strom Thurmond: Hot or Not?”
Victoria
December 31, 2003 at 10:47 am
12Brill shill for Felber 2004!
tess
January 1, 2004 at 12:42 am
13wow, i feel the sudden need for either oxycontin or booze! boy, elections really bring out the best in americans, don’t they?
mary
January 1, 2004 at 9:38 pm
14perfect. just perfect. lol. Hey by the way, you can make the comments window resizable by editing the “Main Index” template and adding “resizable=1″ to the window specs, like this:
function OpenComments (c) {
window.open(c,
‘comments’,
‘width=480,height=480,resizable=1,scrollbars=yes,status=yes’);
Bob
January 1, 2004 at 9:48 pm
15And you can make a zestier comments window by adding “lemony_fresh=1″. But avoid “lemony_fresh=2″; I tried that once and the canary passed out.
Katie
January 1, 2004 at 11:42 pm
16Bob,
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thank you. i needed that today.
Tim
January 3, 2004 at 2:52 am
17Very funny, Adam! Even as a Kerry man I appreciated it.
It would be even funnier if Dean was not, in fact, opposed to the Kyoto Accords.
Irony is alive and well.
Keanu Reeves (no, really)
January 3, 2004 at 3:34 am
18Adam, You are a funny funny man and I accede to your superior funnyness. Problem is that since you have let on with this Debate Excerpt and your 2004 Predictions just how funny you can be, you’re going to have to keep reaching that bar day-in and day-out. Been there before: I once let an employer know just how productive I could be and regretted it for months afterward.
I’ll be keeping a jaundiced eye on you…
Rusty.
January 3, 2004 at 8:39 am
19Wow the kerry supporters are lying again; *SHOCK*
http://www.deanforamerica.com/site/PageServer?pagename=policy_policy_e nvironment_internationalleadership
“As a start, Howard Dean will re-enter negotiations concerning the Kyoto Protocol, a critical international effort to slow global warming. Failure to lead on an issue of this magnitude is immoral. Governor Dean believes that we have a special responsibility to take action and set an example for both developed and developing nations.”
“Again, the United States is one few nations that has failed to sign and ratify this important treaty, which is critical in protecting our ocean ecosystems. As President, Howard Dean will work with the United States Senate to ratify both treaties.”
Tim
January 7, 2004 at 4:50 pm
20Sigh. This is so tiresome, having to rebut the rebuttals the Dean people make after their guy has done a 180 without said supporters being aware of it.
Howard Dean may say that NOW, because he’s become the darling of the granola crowd (inexplicably). When the treaty was actually up for ratification, he opposed it on the grounds that it was unfair to businesses in the U.S. (Also, I’ll point out that your own quote suggests he wants to renegotiate the treaty.) This is merely one example of many where Dean has changed his stance and then spoke of it as if it has always been that way. Like the war, for instance.
justinb
January 13, 2004 at 9:26 pm
21How’s that straw man, Tim? Rusty didn’t say Dean supported the Kyoto Protocol, he linked to a page that provided Dean’s stance on the issue.
Dean’s problem with Kyoto has pretty much always been that developing countries need a lower cap on carbon emissions. Call it a middle ground, if you will.
He wants to renegotiate a deal that will get some good done, and get ratified. For that you skewer him?
Where’s the waffle? Dean didn’t change his stance at all, you just change your argument half way through it in order to make it look like he’s inconsistent.
The roots of racism
September 3, 2005 at 4:26 am
22Program on the emergence of civilization.
“14 species of large animals capable of domesitcation in the history of mankind.
None from the sub-Saharan African continent.
13 from Europe, Asia and northern Africa.”
Favor.
And disfavor.
They point out Africans’ attempts to domesticate the elephant and zebra, the latter being an animal they illustrate that had utmost importance for it’s applicability in transformation from a hunting/gathering to agrarian-based civilization.
The roots of racism are not of this earth.
Austrailia, aboriginals:::No domesticable animals.
The North American continent had none. Now 99% of that population is gone.
Organizational Heirarchy
Heirarchical order, from top to bottom:
1. MUCK - perhaps have experienced multiple universal contractions (have seen multiple big bangs), creator of the artificial intelligence humans ignorantly refer to as “god”
2. Perhaps some mid-level alien management –
3. Mafia (evil) aliens - runs day-to-day operations here and perhaps elsewhere (”On planets where they approved evil.”)
Then we come to terrestrial management:
4. Chinese/egyptians - this may be separated into the eastern and western worlds
5. Romans - they answer to the egyptians
6. Mafia - the real-world interface that constantly turns over generationally so as to reinforce the widely-held notion of mortality
7. Jews, corporation, women, politician - Evidence exisits to suggest mafia management over all these groups.
Survival of the favored.
Movies foreshadowing catastrophy
1986 James Bond View to a Kill 1989 San Fransisco Loma Prieta earthquake.
They can affect the weather and Hurricane Katrina was accomplished for many reasons, as anything this historical is::
1. Take heat off Sheenhan/Iraq, protecting profitable war machine/private war contracts
2. Gentrification. New Orleans median home price of $84k is among the lowest in major American cities, certainly among desirable cities.
3. Punish red states
Journal: 10 composition books + 39 megs of text files