by the USDA
(in cooperation with your friends in the beef industry)

Howdy! MMMmmph, hold on a minute, we have to put down this big, juicy hamburger we just bit into. And it’s not easy, lemme tell you - who can resist the taste of a half-pound of char-broiled beefy goodness on a toasted bun with all the trimmin’s? Not US, that’s for sure.

Now, some of you have been hearing that an American cow was found infected with what some folks are callin’ “Mad Cow Disease.” Well, maybe it was. 24 other nations started bannin’ our beef and runnin’ around like chickens with their heads cut off. (mmm, chicken’s good too, by the way, isn’t it?)

But don’t panic, everything’s okey-dokey, we promise. See, there’s a couple of things that you need to know about all this unnecessary foofarah and hullaballoo so’s you can stop reading those tall tales and get back to fixin’ up big batches of chili and sloppy joes and thick, tasty steaks and whatnot. Don’t think we’re not taking this all seriously. We are. Here’s what we’re doin’ and what YOU should know:

- First, we figured out real quick (and let everybody know) that the one itty bitty mad cow wasn’t even an American cow at all! Nope, turns out it was Canadian. An immigrant, so to speak, if you know what we mean, as it were, nuff said and etc. So we say if you’re going to ban anyone’s beef, ban Canada’s! They didn’t help us fight Saddam bin Laddein in Iraq, and now they’re sendin’ us sick cows. See a pattern here?

- Don’t think we’re not doin’ anything about this. Oh no, we are. Why, just today we sent a team over to Japan to let ‘em know that our beef is as A-OK as ever! See, we’re not gonna let moss grow on our north sides while we wait around for some pointy-headed “scientists” and “investigators” to tell us what we already know, so we figured we’d get out there and spread the good news right away - All clear! We’re clean! It was just one freak sneaky sick foreign cow, and we took care of it. Done. Finito. Have some teriyaki steak, pals, it’s on us!

- Okay, now about this “disease.” It’s not “mad cow disease,” it’s “bovine spongiform encephalopathy.” The other name’s just a nickname. Scare tactics. Terrorists, maybe, who can say. Anyway, the thing to know is that humans can’t get it. It’s a bovine disease, see? Bovine: Cow.

- All right, there is a disease that’s linked to people eating certain tainted meats called Creutzfeldt-Jakob’s disease. And you should hear how some of those pencil-necked fear-mongerers talk about it! They call it a “fatal,” “brain-wasting” “disease.” Well, maybe it is, but do you see the language they’re using here? Sounds like they’re trying to scare you into puttin’ down your prime rib, doesn’t it? That’s all we’re sayin’.

- But all you really need to know about good, clean American beef is this: The President’s still eatin’ it. And if he’s not gonna let himself be spooked by some worrywarts warnin’ him about the so-called ‘dangers’ to his so-called ‘brain,’ why should you? No reason.

All righty, we hope this puts your minds at ease over all this nonsense. Now, if you’ll ’scuse us, we have a big ol’ burger to finish, juicy and tender, with all the fixin’s. Mmmmm-mmm! That’s good beef.