So, the anniversary of this site got me thinking… now that we have a large, dedicated community around here, what good can we do? How can a political humor-oriented site serve a larger purpose for the world in these dark times? And then, last night, it hit me! With your help, friends, I shall hereby set out to compile…

…The Fanatical Apathy Campaign ‘04 Slime-o-Meter!!

Everyone knows that the sludge is pretty deep out there, but HOW DEEP? And who’s making it? With the help of vigilance, mathematics, and pseudoscience, this site can be a tool for monitoring, measuring, and charting the rising tide of verbal sludge as it piles up this election season. How, you ask? Well, there’s always the -

Official Rules

1. Scoring
We begin with an arbitrary but useful Slime Points Method: In tarring a fellow candidate or party, lies, innuendoes, slanders, willful distortions, and nakedly dark implications all count for 20 points. Cheap (if true) shots and uncharitable interpretations count for 10, as do debatable-but-unfortunate pronouncements. Therefore, Howard Dean’s statement about 9/11 conspiracy theories this week will earn him 10 - he might have been merely reporting on theories that he’s heard in order to make a larger point, but it was at the very least ill-considered. I realize that this may put candidates who speak without censoring themselves at a slight disadvantage in the early going, but too much political dirty-doing would escape our sensors without this rule.

2. Counting Begins December 13th, 2003
The capture of Saddam Hussein seems like as good a place as any to begin - news archives from that period are still up and running, and I’d hate to lose Joe Lieberman’s Dean-bashing response to the capture in the tally. Please refrain from submitting any appearances of tar, feathers, or other political toxicity from before this date.

3. It’s the Campaign, Stupid
Much as I’d like to bash at the Bush administration’s honesty impairment, it would be unfair to penalize Bush for non-campaign-related lies and slander. The man is running the country, after all, and in his case the job require a lot of bending and distortion, while most of the candidates are merely running for office. Therefore, only dirt that applies directly to Bush’s political opponents shall be counted towards his Slime-o-Meter score. [I realize that this means the Democratic candidates may therefore earn higher Slime Quotients in the early going, but them’s the breaks.]

4. My Flunky, Myself
A favorite tool of those who’d fling mud is to have someone operate the catapult for them. Thus, full marks will be assigned to the candidate whose employees, underlings, running mates, and party operatives who slander their chief’s opponents. So George W. Bush gets 20 Slime Points for his campaign manager’s jaw-droppingly tasteless backhand at Wesley Clark for testifying against Slobodan Milosevic (”Wesley Clark, who was in Europe when Saddam Hussein was captured, criticized the president this week…”).
However, candidates who subsequently apologize for the lamentable deeds of their minions will have 10 point deducted from their score, and candidates who actually fire the offending flunky will have the full sum of the infraction erased. [Note that by this system a candidate can deduct the full sum of a cheap shot by a flunky (10 points) merely by owning up to it.]

5. A Living Document
It’s possible I’ve overlooked some things, or perhaps some of the rules are as poorly and unclearly phrased as the Second Amendment. And any rulebook that includes the phrase “them’s the breaks” is suspect from the first. Therefore, like the Constitution, these rules may be altered or clarified at any time, but with due notification and fair warning to all participants. [Note to the candidates: Please don’t pester me and whine about my decisions, it doesn’t reflect well on you or your campaigns, and no amount of arguing or lawyering will change an official ruling. This means you, Edwards!]

6. Your Task
You can submit any sludge-mongering you find to me in one of two ways: Post it in the Fanatical Apathy Forum or email me (adameft-at-earthlink.net). Please include “Slime” in the subject line of all emails. I’ll reserve the right to distinguish between mud and genuine, hard campaigning (the smell usually gives it away). Please provide relevant links to your reportage, lest the out-of-context be taken out of context.

That’s it, ladies and gents - let the tally begin. So far, the aforementioned gaffes and slanders of Messrs. Dean, Lieberman, and Bush have been registered. Have fun out there, and please, remember to wear sturdy, high boots.