From The Washington Post:
In an interview Tuesday night with President Bush, ABC correspondent Diane Sawyer asked why the administration stated as a “hard fact” that Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein had such weapons when it appears now he only had the intent to acquire them.
“So what’s the difference?” Bush responded. “The possibility that he could acquire weapons. If he were to acquire weapons, he would be the danger. That’s what I’m trying to explain to you.”
________________________________________________________
Diane Sawyer is to be forgiven for her inability to understand. Once again, our President is showing uncommon leadership, this time in the field of mathematics. In asserting the lack of a difference between “lots of weapons” and “no weapons,” Bush is opening a new frontier in number theory, so it’s no wonder that Bush left Sawyer in the theoretical dust.
Let’s examine the advances being made here, taking as an example the “500 tons of sarin gas” that Bush once claimed Saddam was brewing up. Traditional , old-school math would suggest this formula:
500 tons of sarin > 0 tons of sarin
Reasonable to the untutored, perhaps even intuitively correct. But the new Bush math comes to a different, bolder conclusion:
500 tons of sarin = 0 tons of sarin
This may be counterintuitive, but the derivation is sound. I’d love to give you the actual formulae that were used to derive this startling advance, but the relevant papers have been sealed by the Vice President’s office “for reasons of national security.” Rest assured, however, this is rock-solid stuff.
Using this approach to the numbers, we can also see that we went into this war with an equal number of allies that we had in the first Gulf War, that ongoing casualties = “Mission Accomplished”, and that 454 American killed in battle is the same as no Americans killed in battle. Though some political opponents and bereaved family members may not agree, as far as the administration is concerned, their voices are exactly equal to “no voices.” Or, as our President might so eloquently put it, what’s the difference?





28 comments
paul
December 18, 2003 at 5:29 pm
1GO BACK TO FRANCE, YOU ELITIST BASTARD!
brother bill
December 18, 2003 at 5:30 pm
2Spot on, Dude!
And you know what else?
You was robbed on WWDTM!!!
Peace, bro
Murray
December 18, 2003 at 5:38 pm
3OK, I’ll shoot the low hanging fruit and say something about our president’s firm grasp of fuzzy math.
This is a concept that most educated people have yet to fully embrace. However its efficacy is easy to prove. Merely ask the average American the difference in the odds of hitting the lottery (1 in 80,000,000) and dieing from smoking (1 in 3) and you will once again get the Bush Quotient (much = nothing and conversely, nothing = much).
Incidentally, this mathematical formula also explains how you become the education president by cutting funds for teachers, schools and curricula.
If I had time I’d explain how the 2000 election ripped opened the 7th dimension and transported this country into Bizzzaro land. The mathematical formula is awesome.
gardenbearMN
December 18, 2003 at 6:09 pm
4I wonder; has anyone explained to the president that if he were to stop jerking his knee so often, he wouldn’t have an owie? If he were to find a new way of reacting, he could still be out jogging.
Paul should pass on caffine after noon.
tim
December 18, 2003 at 6:11 pm
5You have to forgive the Administration for its math skills. The Supreme Court set the precedent there in ‘00, when it said that not counting all the votes in Florida is the same as counting all the votes in Florida, and the Bushies just took that and ran with it.
Bob
December 18, 2003 at 6:16 pm
6So zero tons of sarin is the same as 500 tons. With virtually no fanfare, we’ve embarked on a major new national policy: Zero Non-Tolerance.
Karen
December 18, 2003 at 6:27 pm
7Off topic….Adam, you were great as the waiter in Smoking Gun.
When’s your next gig?
Mr_Grant
December 18, 2003 at 7:51 pm
8Fewer votes than your opponent means you win the election!
A $500 billion deficit means the budget is balanced!
Not showing up for your duty assignment is fulfiling your National Guard obligations!
By far the vast majority of my tax cuts go to the bottom end of the spectrum…
julia
December 18, 2003 at 7:53 pm
9Good news for Rush Limbaugh, anyway. I’m sure once this trickles down they’ll realize that he didn’t structure any bank withdrawals to fund the hard drugs he wasn’t buying in the absence of Denny’s.
stuart
December 18, 2003 at 8:17 pm
10We also know this breakthrough in political calculus isn’t transitive. So one joint in your glove box is definitely NOT the same as none at all. Unless you’re a right wing blowhard, of course.
Actually this isn’t New Math, this is Newspeak.
Hunter
December 18, 2003 at 9:25 pm
11I think this is a prime example of how our education system today is failing our children, by allowing them to graduate without even the most basic math skills.
Harvard? Yale? I’m looking in your direction.
yami mcmoots
December 18, 2003 at 9:31 pm
12So if someone asks me “What’s up?” and I respond “Not much!” … is that a colloquial expression of patriotic math that supports our troops, or is it just more liberal academic Osama-fellating?
michael (in DC)
December 18, 2003 at 10:15 pm
13Adam,
you’re beautiful when you’re angry.
m
ps: you were so jobbed last week. just give me the word & i’ll be egging Sagal’s house in a flash!
tess
December 18, 2003 at 10:47 pm
14wow, impressive mathematics from a man who barely squeeked by with a C average from yale and BOASTS about it during a convocation! yay! we’re are a country that incontrovertably supports anti-intellectualism and elitism!
oh well, i bet his speech still beat the one at my graduation — some guy from bechtel who went on and on for a full hour about building the “chunnel.” it was so exciting my fellow graduates were napping in their chairs.
Katie
December 18, 2003 at 10:47 pm
15I tried to understand. I really did. Mathematical conundrums have always been relatively easy for me. However, after about 5 seconds of careful thought, my brain exploded.
Anonymous
December 18, 2003 at 11:07 pm
16“It depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is”
craig
December 18, 2003 at 11:32 pm
17It’s not math, it’s zen. You’re so blinded by the whole Judeo-Christian thing during the fourth quarter shopping season, I can’t believe you missed this. No wonder you got busted on SantaGate.
It’s not math, it’s quantum physics. We’re talking about Schrodinger’s weapons of mass destruction. The WMDs exist AND don’t exist at the same time.
It’s not math. I studied math. And this, sir, is not math.
Anonymous
December 19, 2003 at 12:07 am
18I’m with Craig on this one. This is the realm of quantum possibility. Either there were WMD, or there were not. But like the box holding Schroedinger’s Cat, we can’t know for certain until we go into the box. With the Marines. And the reserves. And Halliburton. And though an invasion collapes the superposition of probabilities into a known quantity, i.e., zero, before we went in, there was a probability of WMD significant enough for causus belli.
That’s the advantage of neocons running the Pentagon: you don’t have to flip a coin anymore… you can act on the flip before the results.
adam
December 19, 2003 at 12:22 am
19The problem with the Quantum Theory of WMD is that the box has been opened… and we STILL don’t know. It’s indeterminate indeterminacy, wherein the eigenstates of WMDs and no WMDs exist simultaneously even AFTER the box is opened and the cat examined.
It’s alive. And it’s dead. It’s a particle AND a wave. It’s an election year.
aaron
December 19, 2003 at 7:30 am
20Where the hell have you guys been? He started rolling this stuff out in 2000! Remember that whole “Less Votes = More Votes” thing?
sly
December 19, 2003 at 8:54 am
21“It depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is”
Let’s not forget, anonymous, that the above quote is attributable to a lawyer. Lawyers are known, nay paid, to twist the English language into what ever shape is most useful. What Adam has discovered is far more profound than lawyer speak.
John Isbell
December 19, 2003 at 9:39 am
22Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. One of your very best. So good you have disabled my humor generator.
Which is a shame because this thread really took off. I hope the people I emailed it to read it all.
Paul didn’t seem to like it much, though.
Chicory
December 19, 2003 at 11:03 am
23No, no, no. It is all based on “string theory”. Talk about a tangled web…………. ;-D
Anonymous
December 19, 2003 at 11:22 am
24Alors! What it is with this “Adam, go back to France” eh?
Sacre bleu et rouge!
Adam, he is not the French personage.
He is the American.
Vraiment!
avec des baisers,
La mere d’ Adam’s
michael (in DC)
December 19, 2003 at 11:45 am
25It’s alive. And it’s dead. It’s a particle AND a wave. It’s an election year
…it’s a floor wax, AND a desert topping!
I never realized before how profoundly Chevy Chase captured quantum theory…
m
Dugrless
December 19, 2003 at 12:01 pm
26I’m just hoping to see this waveform administration collapse next fall.
Undecided
December 19, 2003 at 5:12 pm
27I just hope beyond hope that Pres. Bush has info that he is unable to release because of national security. (protecting sources and so forth) It is amazing how everyone forgets the items found with the Iraqi chemist lady. -You’ll have to forgive the fact I can’t remember her name.-
This does show the one true American freedom….free speech. Voice, vent, or whatever you like.
katie
December 19, 2003 at 7:08 pm
28And if you solve the riddle before midnight tonight, we’ll send you, at no additional charge, a complete set of GuinSu Knives!!