Dear Detainee;

If you are receiving this, then you’re one of the 140 “guests” we’ll be releasing this holiday season. Congratulations! We hope you’ve enjoyed your stay in sunny Cuba.

Of course, the fact that we’re releasing you implies that we no longer suspect you of anything. True, true. And there’s bound to be a few soreheads who wonder why we kept you chained up for nearly two years without formally charging you with anything only to eventually conclude that you were completely innocent… Well, that’s a fair question, though I must be honest and say that some of you haven’t been terribly polite in asking it.

The thing is, you were caught with Taliban or Al Qaeda operatives. Or near Taliban or Al Qaeda operatives. Or somewhere that we were pretty sure looked the kind of place Taliban or Al Qaeda operatives might be hanging out. Like, for instance, Afghanistan. If you don’t want to be picked up again, you might want to make better choices in your living situation. Just a suggestion.

Okay now, as it turns out, many of you seem to be Al Qaeda or Taliban kidnap victims that were being held for ransom when we caught you. So you were being held by those terrorist scum and then ended up getting imprisoned by your liberators for almost two additional years without representation or recourse. To those of you who fit that description, let me be the first to say… “Ooops.”

Naturally, some of you are bound to be a little ticked off by this. Some of you are going to complain that if we’d allowed you a lawyer, some rights, even the barest amount of contact with an approved intermediary, even prisoner of war status, then you’d have been able to establish your innocence quite a while ago. Some of you might point out that the spurious and ill-defined “enemy combatant” designation we saddled you with has little precedent in American or international law, and that your very plight is ample illustration why.

Um, yeah, once again, you got us on that one. It’s a good point.

But look at it from our perspective - we disregarded all conventional precedents for the fair treatment of prisoners because, uh, well, it was in our interests to do so. Doesn’t that make sense? Some sense? A little? Ultimately, this way was a real timesaver. Well, for us, anyway. And a money-saver too: Do you have any idea how much it would have cost to set up a secure means of allowing you your rights while safeguarding our interests? Well, a lot. A whole lot. It would have been a huge headache, let me tell you.

So don’t get all whiny on us - you missed a year or two, and now you get to go back home. And what did you miss, really? Not too much. Here’s a summary:

Hamid Karzai’s the President of Afghanistan. Seems like a good guy, dresses well. The US took over Iraq. No need to go into it, but they started it. Um, “The Return of the King” comes out next week, but you should really rent the first two before you see it. The Euro’s doing really well. Rachel’s dating Joey even though she had Ross’ baby. Al Qaeda has been almost completely destroyed, no matter what you glean from their videos, audio tapes, well-coordinated attacks, or recruiters. Osama, Omar, and Saddam are all still at large, but we caught Scott Peterson. Madonna tongue-kissed Britney at the MTV awards, but Britney’s New York restaurant came and went while you were indisposed. There is considerable hand-wringing over the respective nuclear programs in Iran and North Korea. And in two years, you have in fact missed only one full season of “The Sopranos.” And it was kinda disappointing anyway.

So, that’s that. Please report to Area 7D at dawn tomorrow, and enjoy your trip home, and please help yourselves to complimentary in-flight chips and beverages. We regret the inconvenience.

Yours,

Lieutenant Charles P. Capamonte (”Cappy”)