Washington, Monday [FA Wire] - In passing aggressive anti-spam legislation over the weekend, the US House of Representatives dealt a staggering blow to a large number of Americans in need of help.
“It’s a black day for overweight Americans with small penises who’d like to purchase hot teen Russian brides with the money they earn from a Kenyan inheritance scheme,” said Al Bennington, chairman of the National Coalition of Under-endowed Fat Men. “Basically, Congress is telling us that they don’t care about our right to receive valuable, unsolicited information about herbal weight loss breakthroughs and advances in the field of non-surgical genital enhancement.”
“Most of us are too self-conscious to solicit this kind of vital information on our own. We’ll be keeping all this in mind come election day,” added Bennington, whose organization sells bumper stickers bearing slogans like “I’m Not Too Fat To Fit In A Booth!” and “I Have A Tiny Penis And I Vote!”
Exempted from this rage were the five Representatives who opposed the measure: Michael M. Honda (D. CA), Sheila Jackson-Lee (D. TX), Zoe Lofgren (D. CA), Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich (D. OH), and Fanatical Apathy’s Official Congressman, Ron Paul (R. TX). “Those guys can stay,” said Bennington, whose self-reported weight of 350 pounds and penile size of “just under three quarters of an inch” led him to join the advocacy group.
The overseas reaction has been similarly negative. “I have come across a terrific opportunity involving an unclaimed inheritance worth almost $400,000,” said Joseph E. Magdabi of Nairobi. “Now, without the ability to reach American citizens, the money will go unclaimed.” “It’s a very bad day,” agreed Sonia Koblov, 18, of Kiev. “I am so - how do you say - hot. And ready. And now I may never get to meet nice American man for nights of passion and hot sweaty love which I am very good at but have never done.”
Fanny Roborat
15 comments
sly
November 24, 2003 at 4:35 pm
1Thank god they’re getting the important stuff done.
Georgette
November 24, 2003 at 5:35 pm
2Thank you, Adam. I needed that.
Dee
November 24, 2003 at 8:03 pm
3Would you happen to have the email addresses of those five who voted “no”? I can offer them a fantastic way to get out of debt.
Dick C.
November 24, 2003 at 9:15 pm
4You may find this funny, but I strongly object to your use of the prejudicial terms “tiny” and “small” in relation to penis size.
The correct medical term for the affliction is “weenus minimus”. Individual sufferers can be referred to as “erectorily challenged”, and as a collective we^H^Hthey prefer “people of langour”. Please show us^H^Hsufferers a modicum of respect by using the correct and preferred terminology.
Katie
November 24, 2003 at 11:51 pm
5HEY!! Don’t forget the ladies affected by this legislation! How will we know how to dramatically enlarge our bustline, without painful surgery?! Considering the inordinate amount of time all y’all men spend staring at said boobs, I’d think you’d want us to be improving them on a daily basis! I know I, as a well endowed female, eagerly read each and every one of those advertisments, hoping to improve on what nature has so generously provided. I fear now I shall never reach my goal of surpassing Dolly Parton.
sigh.
tim
November 25, 2003 at 7:36 am
6I applaud the Congress for this wise legislation. We all know how precious Internet bandwidth is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to post some useless bit of trivia to the only one of the seven web logs I’ve started in the past year that I haven’t completely abandoned.
aaron
November 25, 2003 at 8:56 am
7Thank god they aren’t going after the ones whose subject lines contain the beginning of a word or a sentence and then tail off into an incomprehensible jumble of numbers and letters…much like most legislation.
Murray
November 25, 2003 at 12:15 pm
8But I’m going to miss Vjkqdjpqd Vijmeiejer, and sieversonfsrdq, and my good friend Pixqsif Kelakyz. These are the only people who write me every day and if they are gone who will keep me company? Will congress validate my being with a daily, quick offer of bodily enhancement?
tom
November 25, 2003 at 1:28 pm
9Gee, that means that this kind of stuff won’t be around….I got this from the Democratic Party yesterday:
This time, they have gone too far.
We know Republicans are willing to politicize the attacks of September 11. Karl Rove explicitly told them to do so in the 2002 elections, and the Republicans even sold a September 11 picture of George W. Bush to raise money.
But now the Bush attack machine has crossed the line again. The RNC has released an advertisement that questions our Democratic candidates’ commitment to keeping America secure. And they’re going to keep doing it — unless you help stop them.
Democrats and the American people are demanding honest answers from Bush on Iraq, on his State of the Union lies, and on why the White House leaked the identity of a CIA operative. But instead of leveling with the American people, Republicans are using a cheap political ploy to try and change the subject, accusing Democrats of “attacking the President for attacking the terrorists.”
Bush and the Republicans dream about a country with no debate and no dissent, where they are free to push their extremist agenda with no one standing up to stop them.
They will do anything — anything — to make that dream a reality. Over the next year, they will question your patriotism again and again and again. If you don’t support President Bush, they’ll say, you’re not supporting our troops and you don’t want to keep America safe.
It is reprehensible, and they don’t care.
We must do everything we can to take our country back. The Bush campaign will raise more than $200 million and the Republicans will raise hundreds of millions more. They will have a half billion dollars to stay in power. Everything you can give will make a difference.
We urge you to join the fight today. Show Bush and the Republicans that your patriotism means you will stand up to fight for your country.
Another four years under Bush and the Republicans is almost unimaginable. Let’s kick them out.
I’d much rather get this than the note I just got from Linda about refinancing my mortgage!
tess
November 25, 2003 at 4:22 pm
10i agree with tom. though personally, i wish the email included such phrases as, “thoroughly beating bush and most of congress with a hilshire farm summer sausage” or “publicly flogging karl rove with the medicare bill.”
Mr_Grant
November 25, 2003 at 7:47 pm
11See, I really CARE about all the hot xxx women who need help using “this thing”, and all they want is to give me beneficial information about the lowest mortgage rates in my area! I mean, the last time I ignored them, I started getting all these emails with accusatory subject lines like “hey buddy, where you been?” and “You blocked my IM!” (how on earth did they know???) So I’m not taking anymore chances. Far be it from me to deny these shaved, anal-fixated teens and deposed African heads of state the right to earn a living. From now on my credit card information and Social Security number will be posted on my website. And you know the National Do Not Call List? History! Call me! During dinner! I need to lose a few pounds anyway, what with the holidays coming. And all you lonely Filipino single women looking for love: I’m sorry. I’m here for you. I’m ready to listen.
Spiralsands
November 26, 2003 at 8:20 am
12Geez, I’m glad I already made my millions from those Nigerians before they shut ‘em down.
Spiralsands
November 26, 2003 at 8:20 am
13Geez, I’m glad I already made my millions from those Nigerians before they shut ‘em down.
Mike Z
November 26, 2003 at 5:42 pm
14“FA’s official congressman”? I missed that reference. Please, someone, explain to me that line.
Landis
November 27, 2003 at 12:18 pm
15See http://www.felbers.net/original/july.html and scroll down to 30 July 2002