Luskin lives across the alley from me — we live close enough together that I can see in his window at night (Oh, joy.) His all-nighters with a robed figure I will only identify as A. Scalia can get quite loud. (I can’t stand it when they both start urinating out the side window onto Tucker Carlson’s property. “Ten points for me, I win!”, Luskin invariably screams at the end, after which A.S. raises his robe and shouts “I’m Batman!”. Not really sure how that got started, but they’ve been doing it for months now.)

Right now he’s renting out his guest room to Saddam Hussein. Thankfully, Saddam is at least quieter than the others (seems like a nice boy, keeps to himself a lot) but seeing the three of them tounge-kissing is not a pleasant thing to witness when you’re standing over your barbeque trying to make sure the burgers don’t burn, let me tell you. (I don’t have a problem with gay people in general, but when one of the guys has a full mustache, it just isn’t a pretty sight.)

Speaking of full mustaches, Luskin seems to have a thing going on with Ann Coulter, too. In truth, he’s a pretty snappy crossdresser — I often see him and Ann wearing matching outfits (and carrying identical tire irons) when they go out for a night of stalking Susan Sarandon. And Saddam says he’s a great kisser, but I think Saddam’s really got his eye on that Wolfowitz fellow down the street. (I don’t know much about that, though, and I wasn’t raised to spread gossip.)

Of course, I must admit I’m biased — I just don’t care how great a kisser Luskin is, or how many times he pees playfully on Tucker’s marigolds from his second-story window. I’ve hated Luskin ever since he killed my parents, and hauled them into his roughly-hewn backyard den to drink their still-warm blood. Primarily, what ticked me off is that he used one of those curly-wiggly-sippy-straws to do it, and that is _so_ 1970s. I mean, c’mon.

Sorry, but it’s the biggest lie I could come up with on short notice.

bill o’reilly is scum-sucking, lying, self-gratifying-once-an-hour-reading-ann-coulter-online, anti-american, sheep-molesting, coke-snorting (the drink, not the drug; he has severe lip problems), plagiarizing, white-slave-trading maggot who is really not even good enough for fox news.

god, that felt good. when do we jump off the next bridge?

Sean Hannity has to kill randow drifters to get an erection.

Bill O’Reilly is an accomplished auto-fellating contortionist.

Karl Rove is a genetically modified manpig who escaped from the Isle of Dr Moreau.

Dick Cheney is just a mean old bastard.

Rumsfeld is a re-animated mummy who has to bathe in the blood of National Guardsmen without medical benefits to sustain himself.

Can’t get any more libelous than that

Scientology is a total fraud of a religion designed solely to achieve tax-exempt status while bilking gullible fools out of thousands of dollars.

Plus, L. Ron Hubbard was known to give blow jobs to leprechauns.

No, too easy.

Luskin’s mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries.

The postman smelled of hamster.

Ann Coulter has a real penis that she shows to her neighbor’s children in between fellatio sessions with Phyllis Schlaffly. Also, Phyllis Schlaffly is a man.

Lynne Cheney once performed a back alley abortion on Laura Bush, after having drugged her. Her reason, “To keep more stupid out of this world”. George Bush proclaimed Lynne to be the winner of the Pulitzer Peace Prize without realizing that the award didn’t exist, and that if it did, he wouldn’t be able to declare the winner. Upon hearing of this lack of power, he drank a Bill O’Reilly semen sample with a vodka chaser before inserting a special webcam into his anus.

Little Known Fact: Cokie Roberts has all three of her nipples pierced with rusty nails. Also: Really a man.

Rick Santorum: Secretly loves the term named after him by Dan Savage. Also, loves to eat all of the santorum he can get his hands on. And babies.

Paul Wolfowitz: Impregnated by Colin Powell last month while over-indulging at private “I love Al Quaida” party. Overheard saying that he loves the French because of their “tasty frogs”. Bathes nude in John Ashcroft’s office for “payola”.

Charlton Heston and Ted Nugent have matching prince alberts with a special interlocking ring for when they are “together”.