No, I’m not talking about the Bush administration (though I could be), nor am I talking about Fox News (though I wish I was), not am I taking on the TV networks who once again guaranteed us an exciting autumn filled with amazing, new, quality programming (though there oughta be a law)…
I’m talking about me.
Judging by comments and emails regarding Sunday’s Alan Colmes post, it’s pretty clear that a lot of visitors, new visitors mostly, didn’t recognize one salient detail:
I’m kidding. I’m almost always kidding. Alan Colmes didn’t write those things. It’s a fake. Ditto the Supreme Court transcripts, my conversation with the DoD, and any references I make to being King of the Mole People, poised to conquer the surface-dwellers.
*Sigh* I hate having to spoil the fun by doing this, but this one seems to be jumping the rails. Ludicrous as it sounds, people are choosing to believe this one. I can only assume that we’ve become a nation of speed-readers, because looking back over the piece, it’s hard to believe that anyone would fall for it.
I don’t know who should be more insulted, me or Alan Colmes. Colmes, probably. Yeah, definitely Colmes.
But that’s the web for you. After all, the web’s a medium that has given birth to “fisking,” the most ludicrous, lazy, and misleading journalistic practice since Torquemada arranged a bunch of Hot, Exclusive Interviews in the late 15th Century. A medium whose “respected” members pass on links to uninvestigated innuendoes with a simple “indeed” (yeah, I’m lookin’ at you, Glenn Reynolds). A medium whose grandiose claims about having the ability to expand one’s mind sometimes seem as believable as its oft-advertised ability to expand one’s genitals.
So, for the record, a message to those of you who skim through hundreds of sites in search of half-read tidbits that might confirm what you Already Know: Alan Colmes didn’t write those excerpts from his book that you see below. I did. But I didn’t make those “excerpts” even remotely plausible. You did.
Now, come, my glorious Mole People - our hour is nigh!
Fanny Roborat
31 comments
Elayne Riggs
October 21, 2003 at 1:36 pm
1Oh dear, that’s incredibly tragic. In a funny way. Or funny in a tragic way. Yes, we’re all skimmers, I think it’s almost become a defense mechanism so that we can think people wrote one thing when they actually wrote (and meant) something quite different… or maybe it’s that reality is becoming Just That Bizarre lately, and so many bloggers are doing real interviews and Howard Dean is holding the camera for Steve Carrell and Jon Stewart is seriously kissing Henry Kissinger’s ass… it all blends together…
Marla
October 21, 2003 at 1:43 pm
2You’re telling me that people thought those were genuine quotes? Oh, brother.
Next time, put a big flashing sign saying “IRONY” around each statement. Maybe you better define “irony” while you’re at it.
Okay, okay, I’m being ironic. A bit.
julia
October 21, 2003 at 1:44 pm
3I quoted a perfectly wonderful bit of snarkery from skippy about where Rush complains that he’s getting publicity because the media has a vested interest in making the black market look more successful than… &c
I got outraged comments back about how stupid Rush had to be to say such a thing.
And really, once I thought about it, it wouldn’t have been exactly the cherry in the del monte fruit cocktail of Rush’s ouevre, rationalnesswise.
jr
October 21, 2003 at 2:34 pm
4You shouldn’t have to post a clarification stating that you were the one creating those fictional quotes, mostly because folks will just think you’re just making it up.
Christopher Howard
October 21, 2003 at 3:01 pm
5Okay, you got us.
Unfortunately, truth is often stranger than fiction.
I would submit that your fabricated quotes were more plausible coming from the lips of Alan Colmes than you assert in your triumphalist mea culpa. The guy does, after all, tow the “Fox is really fair and balanced” line with a straight face. The exerpts merely appeared to be an attempt at humorous extrication from what most liberals see as his dealings with the devil.
Ah, well. Far be it from me to be ungracious. You truly rooked me and I go forth, hopefully, the wiser. I will skim less and research more before trusting such quotes in the future. Education as to the true nature of things is, after all, the only way we’ll stem the predations of those awful mole people…
michael (in DC)
October 21, 2003 at 3:23 pm
6Christopher,
ya know, Adam can trace your ISP or whatever ya call it…
so I’d be reeaally careful what I say about the mole people around here…
Tom
October 21, 2003 at 3:31 pm
7Geeeeez! I thought EVERYTHING you said was true! I’ll have to reconsider my regular reading of your fanatically apathetic commentary — or at least adjust to the fact that you are no more truthful than those you mentioned at the top of your latest fanaticism.
My motto can no longer be “It’s funny ’cause it’s true!”
Christopher Howard
October 21, 2003 at 3:35 pm
8Michael,
Of course, what I really meant was that I welcome our mole people liberators.
RW
October 21, 2003 at 3:37 pm
9Well, look at where your new visitors came from & do the math. You’re surprised?
{that “:)” means I’m joking around, btw}
Beth
October 21, 2003 at 4:23 pm
10You mean you’ve been lying to us all this time? And as if that wasn’t bad enough, now that you’re caught, you don’t even try to apologize. How do you expect to put this behind you without a clear expression of heartfelt remorse, you know, something like “I’m sorry some people took what I said the wrong way”? Well that’s it. You’ve just lost my vote for president, and I’m cancelling my subscription to your blog. (And don’t think I’m going to send you any more nude pictures of myself either.)
tim
October 21, 2003 at 6:21 pm
11There are mole people? Where? Will they try to eat me? I’m scared, please help me!
julia
October 21, 2003 at 6:34 pm
12it’s in the bible, silly. Mole and femole created he them.
Anonymous
October 21, 2003 at 6:35 pm
13Jeeze Adam, If the people are that gullible, you should print quotes from Rumsfield’s book too. Don’t waste the talent you have.
Mommie
October 21, 2003 at 6:54 pm
14Most of what Adam says is true some of the time.
Take it from one who knows
and often tells the truth.
pericat
October 21, 2003 at 7:17 pm
15Damn. I was really invested in the Mole People thing. Guess I’ll have to return the teeth and the little flippy arms now.
Cheryl
October 21, 2003 at 8:09 pm
16How funny. Stupidity to believe stuff like that should have been naturally selected out millions of years ago. Then again I desperately wanted to believe Metallica was dumb enough to sue over the use of two chords. I’m still bummed about that. http://www1.scoopthis.com/411/met_uf/stc_met_uf_mtv.htm
Matt
October 21, 2003 at 9:05 pm
17I especially liked when you called Iowans Hoosiers and someone took you seriously.
upyernoz
October 21, 2003 at 9:41 pm
18yes, but you are really campaigning in iowa, right?
Murray
October 21, 2003 at 9:49 pm
19Adam,
A comedian shouldn’t have to explain his joke while he is telling it, just because someone in the audience might not get it.
Parody requires knowledge of the subject and a touch of intellegence to understand the absurdity.
Your work, and this blog are designed for folkes who can think their way out of a wet paper bag. Lowering your standards to help out those who are not really your aduience, only dilutes you for those of us who are.
Adam, stay the course!
Bob
October 22, 2003 at 12:02 am
20That’s just great, Adam - now you’re making fun of people with moles. Just digging yourself in deeper, if you ask me.
Ibid
October 22, 2003 at 8:26 am
21This is why I advocate a simple 10 question quiz inserted in voting ballots. If you miss more than three questions the whole ballot is rejected.
1) Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden are twins.
2) Giving huge tax breaks to the rich helps feed homeless children.
3) Fox News is fair and unbiased.
4) George Bush was chosen by God to be President.
5) The world is 5,000 years old.
6) WMDs have been found in Iraq.
7) WMDs have been found in Virginia.
8) Mercury makes a good skin conditioner.
9) Donald Rumsfeld is highly respected by others in the Pentagon.
10) Supply-Side Economics has never been anything but a dismal failure.
Chicory
October 22, 2003 at 9:30 am
22What? Nothing Adam says is true? It’s all parody? What am I suppose to do with 10,000 “Felber for President” buttons and bumper stickers?
RW
October 22, 2003 at 9:38 am
23Ibid, with the trouble some folks have within heavily Democratic districts, I don’t think making the process of voting MORE difficult will be quite the solution that you seem to be projecting.
Murray
October 22, 2003 at 10:45 am
24RW,
That’s the dilemma, we all want everyone to be informed, and make an intelligent decision. Unfortunately the reality is that most people are average or below average intelligence, and most are willfully ignorant when it comes to politics. Should only smart, informed folks vote? Should everyone be forced to vote, knowing that most will make their decision for the wrong reason? Should we leave a lousy system as it is knowing that it probably is as good as we are going to get?
Trying to make the average person more informed and more intelligent is as likely to succeed as the abstinence program is to stop teens from having sex.
Any attempts to change or fight human nature are guaranteed to fail.
mary
October 22, 2003 at 1:04 pm
25Dave Barry once wrote a column on the mail he gets; it was unbelievable. Example (paraphrased): after his grammar Q&A column [Q: which of the following is correct? a) Hank, you should never of fed them chips to the dog, or b) Hank, you should never of fed them chips to the damn dog] he gets mail correcting his grammar and bitching that he shouldn’t criticize other people when he makes mistakes himself etc. etc…
lovable liberal
October 22, 2003 at 1:17 pm
26ADAM, HOW DAIR YOU PLAIGAREZE FROM THE ONLY LOYLE LIBRAL IN THE WERLD!!!!!!!
Heh, heh.
John Isbell
October 22, 2003 at 1:49 pm
27Hey - is Colmes one of the Mole People? That would explain a lot.
This is wonderful: “it’s in the bible, silly. Mole and femole created he them.”
OK, it’s time now to reveal that THIS post, not the previous one, is ironic. I mean, look at the Mole People. The Colmes quotes are real and Adam is just yanking our chain about them. Ta-da!
Dave Draeger
October 22, 2003 at 10:06 pm
28You were kidding?!? I guess that explains why Borders tossed me out of the store a couple of months ago when I asked about pre-ordering Ann Coulter’s “Motherfuckers – The Liberal Plot to Sodomize Your Mom.”
brooke
October 24, 2003 at 4:43 am
29jeezuz. please don’t waste your valuable brain cellsapologizing to the morons. I mean, Mole People.
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