Looks like Wes and Joe have decided to cut bait in Iowa. I can’t say I blame them. As my campaign gathers a head of steam, expect other candidates to make the prudent choice to step aside.

Their strategy is clear - let Felber sweep the polls in the early running and pray that he Screws Up. They’re betting that I can’t get through the next 9 months without saying or doing something really, really stupid. But they haven’t thought it through:

I’m going to win by always saying stupid things.

Like George W. Bush before me, I’m going to sweep the competition aside with performances that seem simply brilliant in the face of hugely lowered expectations. By the time we reach the week before the caucus, I will have made so many bold, uninformed, bludgeon-headed pronouncements while coming across as a Regular Guy, that a simple “Good morning” and the pledge not to nuke the heartland will be all I need to grab the vote.

So let’s start now. Here’s my Official Statement to the People of Iowa:

Howdy, Hoosiers! I’m Adam Felber, and I “Ames” to be your next President!

Now, there are some people who say that Iowans are too stupid to know a good candidate when they see one. Personally, I don’t believe that. Iowans are no stupider than anybody else in the lovely, godforsaken states of our heartland. So I’m sure if I talk really slowly, you’ll see that I’m the best man for the job.

And I care about the issues YOU care about, Iowa. In fact, my campaign people keep saying to me, “Enough with the caring about Iowa already! It’s just one state!” Yes, it’s just one state. But it’s the first state to vote in the nominating process. So as I keep telling my people, it’s vital that I pay particular attention to y’all and your issues, at least until January, after which you’re dead to me. Well, that’s just a figure of speech. I mean “unimportant” of course. But in a nice way.

Anyway, issues. How about farms? I’m very much in support of farms, and even though I’m going to talk about family farmers a lot, when I say “family farmers” I want you to know that I’m really talking about gigantic factory farms owned by gargantuan corporations. So when I say, “Let’s not end subsidies for America’s family farmers,” please understand that I’m saying “Let’s keep the gravy train rolling for the big boys who are going to pay my way to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.” And if any of my worthy opponents try to separate out those two kinds of farmers, I promise to roll my eyes and make snoring noises, which always gets a laugh.

Ethanol. Sounds good to me. Energy independence, spirit of American ingenuity, renewable whosamawhatsits, go Longhorns! Some people will tell you that ethanol doesn’t have all that much potential, that it’s not worth America’s investment, that we oughta stop throwing money at it and let the market dictate its fate. But to those people I say well, I guess you’ve never tried to get votes in Iowa before, pardner! Thank you. Thank you.

National security. You betcha. Consider yourselves safe in my hands. I’d tell you more, but that’d be a security risk. Trust me, there are a lot of people who are trying to blow you up at all times, and the only person who stands between them and you is me. Other candidates might say, “Let ‘em blow up Iowa.” Those guys are wrong. I won’t let you get blowed up. Promise.

But I know what matters most to you honest, God-fearing, blessed Iowa yokels. Character. You want a moral man who’s always going to let his good, solid values be his guide and shit like that. Well, that’s me! I’m all about values. Sure, I might have made some mistakes in my youth, smoked and swallowed a few things I shouldn’t have, put parts of my body in places they weren’t supposed to go, welched on a few debts, etc. But things have changed. I’ve been born again. Especially if you define “born” as “emerging from a vagina.” Get it? Haw! Whoa! Wait, no, please forget I said that. I’ve made mistakes in my past. Saying that vagina thing was just one of ‘em. But I’ve grown since then.

Anyway, if you elect me, I promise to help make Iowa the greatest state in the nation. We’ll kick Ohio’s ass, you and me, I guarantee it. Missouri? Fuck ‘em. It’s you and me, Iowa, just you and me.

Thank you, and from the mountains to the beaches, may God bless Iowa.