TUESDAY, WASHINGTON (CNN) – The Defense Department sold equipment to the public that can be used for making biological warfare agents, according to a draft report by the General Accounting Office.
The Defense Department agency responsible for the sale of excess property to the public, the Defense Reutilization and Marketing Service, halted the sale of such items September 19 while the practice is reviewed.
“Many items needed to establish a laboratory for making biological warfare agents were being sold on the Internet to the public from DoD’s excess property inventory for pennies on the dollar, making them both easy and economical to obtain,” the GAO draft report said.
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I managed to secure a phone interview with a DoD “sales rep” just as this news was breaking:
ADAM: I guess my main question is… After 9/11, why did it take you two years to realize that vending biolab gear over the internet might not be entirely wise?
DoD: Hey, did you see that game last night? Whatta finish. Go Sox!
ADAM: Yeah, back to the bio-weapons supplies…
DoD: Oh, right. Whaddya need?
ADAM: Need? What do I need?
DoD: Oooh - sorry. I meant, um, “We no longer sell those products.”
ADAM: Okay.
DoD: Though I don’t see why we wouldn’t. They were just laboratory supplies. Lots of legitimate stuff you could do with it. Pharmaceutical things, agricultural whatchamacallits.
ADAM: Like we found in Iraq.
DoD: What?
ADAM: Well, a lot of government folks are clinging to the presence of the same sort of “laboratory equipment” in Iraq as their only shreds of evidence that Saddam Hussein was producing weapons of mass destruction.
DoD: What? Saddam had this stuff? Whoa! It’s a good thing we took ‘im out, then.
ADAM: But you said this stuff can be used for other purposes, right?
DoD: I was lying. But now I’m telling you the truth - if you’ve got these kinda bio-suits and centrifuges, you’re making weapons of mass destruction, sure as the Pope’s Catholic.
ADAM: So why did you guys have ‘em?
DoD: …
ADAM: Hello?
DoD: I tellya, when they put in Lowe in the 9th last night, I was all like, “Oh jeez, you can’t put a breaking ball pitcher in now,” but then -
ADAM: Please, let’s get back to biological equipment.
DoD: Okay. What do you need?
ADAM: I’m asking why you guys at the Pentagon had this stuff in the first place. Were you experimenting with biological weaponry?
DoD: Us? No! There’s plenty of legitimate things you can do with this stuff - agricultural, grammatical…
ADAM: So what specifically were you doing with it all?
DoD: Um, what?
ADAM: What, specifically, were you guys at the Department of Defense doing with all this bio-equipment?
DoD: Uh… farming?
[pause]
ADAM: Farming.
DoD: It’s possible.
[pause]
ADAM: Okay. What if I wanted to “farm?”
DoD: Whaddya need? We got a great deal on pressurized canisters - 10 cents on the dollar. Like new.
ADAM: You’re still selling this stuff?
DoD: What stuff?
ADAM: *Sigh* …Biological equipment not unlike that which we’ve found in Iraq.
DoD: What? Saddam had this stuff? Whoa! It’s a good thing we took ‘im out, then.
[etc.]





9 comments
dahlia
October 7, 2003 at 2:21 pm
1Remind me again: Who’s on first?
Landis
October 7, 2003 at 2:31 pm
2“I say Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third”
Mike Z
October 7, 2003 at 4:44 pm
3You are a great interviewer, Adam. You’ll make a wonderful president.
"Head" Rush Limbaugh
October 7, 2003 at 6:05 pm
4When is the liberal media ever going to get it right? Lowe is a sinkerball pitcher, not a breaking ball pitcher.
That’s right, since ESPN tossed me out, I’m now working for Fox Sports. Or maybe the Vicodin just makes me think I am.
dave
October 7, 2003 at 6:27 pm
5“I don’t know” isn’t on third, he’s in the Oval Office
craig
October 7, 2003 at 7:07 pm
6Now that Shrub has announced that the CIA leaker may not be found (see link) I think we should have a pool as to who will be found first:
A) Osama bin Laden
B) The Anthrax Mailer
C) Saddam Hussein
D) The CIA leaker
E) Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location
Landis
October 7, 2003 at 7:36 pm
7F) None of the Above
Katie
October 7, 2003 at 11:43 pm
8G.) They are ALL at Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location…
John Isbell
October 8, 2003 at 12:21 pm
9In DC, Cheney’s house is known as “The Batcave.”