Tomorrow you vote. Again. Good luck, and I hope you get the Governor you deserve. I think it was Adlai Stevenson who said that there’s nothing more inspiring in human society than the spectacle of the democratic process being bizarrely subverted by a well-funded partisan exploitation of a constitutional loophole. How true that is.

But what I really wanted to address right here is the controversy surrounding Arnold Schwarzenegger, your statewide frontrunner. I know how a lot of you California voters rely on me for unbiased analysis, so I thought I’d finally step up to the plate.

First, let’s address the parade of “sex scandals,” released to the press in such a mathematically predictable pattern as we approach Election Day that it’s almost more embarrassing for the apparently cryptographically-challenged California Democratic party. It seems that your future Governator has spent his life fondling, prodding, spanking, and subjecting women to a practice that we genteel Easterners refer to as “team courting.”

Though I love to see Republicans brought down by their past, I advise you to ignore these stories. No matter how many women your incipient Austrian overlord has probed with whichever extremities and however many pals, before or after he took his marital vows, it simply doesn’t matter. Unlike a lot of his fellow Republicans, Arnold has never spent much time moralizing and preachifying to his public, so there’s no delightful irony here; only an ugly, irrelevant smear. It pains me to say it, but a sense of responsibility compels us to discount all the misadventures of Arnold and his boon companion, Little Arnold.

But you shouldn’t vote for him.

You can blame reality television, Jimmy Stewart’s “Mr. Smith,” Fox News, or even the principles of democracy themselves, but America’s anti-intellectualism is at dangerously high levels at the moment. We’re looking to be led by a Regular Guy, especially if the Regular Guy is also rich and famous. We’ve dispensed with the idea that our leaders might need anything other than “leadership qualities,” a descriptor so vague and blurry that it basically means “a tendency to wear good suits and say things forcefully.” These are qualities that are also present in really bad leaders. And dictators. And car salesmen. And mob bosses.

The other ideas of what ought to qualify a man to run your state fell off the table so long ago that the dogs hardly notice ‘em anymore. These include experience, knowledge, familiarity with government, and specific ideas. But also included in the waste bin is the long-discredited notion that an elected leader ought to be really, really smart.


[Photo: Mr. Smith, enemy of the people.]

Let me speak to you all individually, my Californian friends. Your Governor ought to be smart. Really smart. Preferably smarter than you. Not just savvy, not just clever, but the kind of book-readin’, history knowin’, problem solvin’, degree earnin’, flexibly thinkin’ smart that will ensure a measured and creative approach to whatever arises. If George Bush has proved anything, it’s that a likable Regular Guy can’t really balance the budget, or protect our interests, or refrain from pissing off our allies, or navigate the tricky waters of domestic and global affairs. No, only in the movies can a Regular Guy do that. A Regular Guy (if he’s lucky) can become a movie star, or work out a lot, or buy a baseball team, or get rich, or be the last person standing on a reality TV show. And yes, a Regular Guy can develop very strong “leadership skills.” But a Regular Guy really, truly isn’t qualified to run a major state or a nation. Please, please, stop electing Regular Guys. They’re making things worse. Much, much worse.

Is Arnold dumb? Despite the horrible scripts he accepts, probably not. That’s not the point. The point is that the unnominated, unqualified, and under-educated Candidate Schwarzenegger has given you absolutely no reason to think that he’s got what it takes. Sometimes political outsiders are a boon. But sometimes they’re outsiders for a reason. Arnold’s given you nothing to go on except the obvious opinion that he’s too Big to accept anything from the government of California short of the starring role.

This is probably a useless and overlong entry, and it’s a little self-defeating: As a comedy writer, naturally, Arnold’s election would be a windfall. But the same could be said for President Bush’s rise to power, and at some point the tragedy of the decline of the United States of America starts to outweigh the punchline bonanza.

So do me a favor - make me and the rest of us comedians earn our paychecks. Elect someone dull. Someone snooty. Someone condescending. But fergodsakes, elect someone qualified. Because Arnold’s right when he quotes his movies - he’ll be back.

But you won’t.