The Saudi government has outlawed Barbie dolls, saying, “Jewish Barbie dolls, with their revealing clothes and shameful postures, accessories and tools are a symbol of decadence to the perverted West. Let us beware of her dangers and be careful.”

It seems almost too obvious to point out that this is a nation that’s “helping” us fight the “enemies of freedom,” and mention all of the great things that always seem to happen when we back a repressive, dictatorial regime in order to effect short-term political goals. But our current political masterminds seem to believe we can use the Free Republic of Iraq as a base to fight the Saudis in 2007, and I don’t want to be the one to dash those fond dreams.

…Reached in her home in Malibu, Barbie, 44, was philosophical about the ban. “What, I should get all farklempt over this mishigas? Not on a bet, mister. Life’s too short.” Casually decked out in a sheer yellow nylon two-tiered mini petticoat with hot pink tulle trim, the gal who launched a million playdates seemed as unflappable as ever as she sipped her morning mimosa…

To review: Saudi nationals are largely responsible for 9/11, they’re a religious, conservative monarchy, and the only rights their women enjoy is the free choice whether to outfit themselves in a black or off-black hillock each morning.

…”God forbid I should have to wear one of those frumpy shmatas because of what some Arab meshugina thinks,” said a defiant Barbie. “If I think I look nice, and my husband Ken - he’s a lawyer - if he thinks I look nice, then why should anyone else make such a big production out of it?”…

“Jewish Barbie” might sound bizarre to our ears, but then the U.S. has made it a policy to ignore all the anti-Jewish (as opposed to strictly anti-Israeli) rhetoric that comes out of Saudi Arabia on a regular basis. It’s viewed as an ancillary problem that will resolve itself once we get all the other ducks in a row. It isn’t, and it won’t. But until we finally implement a universally values-based policy in the region, weirdly poisonous statements like these will be treated as jokes and not condemned with the forcefulness that’s really called for. As citizens of the free world, the only rational response to this hypocrisy can be expressed in a single word:

Oy.

“What, so now I’M the problem? Fine. You go out and have fun, play nice with all your little Arab friends. Don’t even bother to turn on the light on your way out of the dream house. I’ll just sit here. Alone. In the dark. Don’t worry about me.”