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Dear U.N. Member,
You may have already won a trip to sunny Iraq!
As you may know, the United States is currently seeking enterprising nations for a unique opportunity in the Middle East. And now it might be your turn, U.N. Member, to get in on the action!
It’s easy, and it’s fun. All you have to do is send the code number at the top of this letter to the U.S. Ambassador in order to get your assignment in sunny, liberated Iraq. The United States has already laid the groundwork for peace and prosperity, so you don’t need to concern yourself with appointing an interim government, administrating the current power structure, or getting involved in dull, uninteresting oil contracts. We’ve handled all of that! All you need to do is come on in and do your part in the rebuilding effort. Possible assignments include:
- Sending troops to maintain order!
- Faxing and photocopying!
- Dispatching military personnel to help keep the peace!
- Light filing!
- Deploying soldiers to ensure Iraqi freedom!
What’s the catch? There is no catch! That’s right, U.N. Member, your participation is already planned for and is absolutely free. [cost of transportation, food, and certain weaponry and supplies not included. Some restrictions apply. U.S. not responsible for casualties resulting from RPG’s, car bombs, civil unrest, friendly fire, armed insurrection, collateral damage, rioting, mistaken identity, or acts of terror. See assignment booklet for details.]
No boring meetings. No messy industrial contracting. Nothing but rewarding, hands-on work, fun in the sun, and the great, warm feeling that only comes from fostering worldwide brotherhood.
So if you have a taste for excitement and want to get in on the ground floor of the new international order, there’s never been a better time than now. Don’t let other nations grab this opportunity before you decide to act, or the moment may be gone. This time it’s your turn, in a capacity that’s been specifically designed for you, U.N. Member. Contact me today to get started on what some are already calling “the most open-ended international adventure since the last Crusade!”
Yours in Opportunity,
John Negroponte
US Ambassador to the UN
Fanny Roborat
10 comments
Seven C.
September 3, 2003 at 1:39 pm
1It’s interesting how, at the same time that the administration is seeking new cooperation from UN member nations, the administration also resumes its foreign policy based on petulance (to borrow a phrase from the Dean campaign):
US derides ‘chocolate makers’ for EU military headquarters plans
WASHINGTON (AFP) - The United States sneered at plans by four European countries to create an autonomous European military command headquarters near Brussels separate from NATO, referring to the idea’s proponents as “chocolate makers.”
In unusually blunt language that drew surprised gasps from reporters, State Department spokesman Richard Boucher scoffed at Belgium, France, Germany and Luxembourg for continuing to support the proposal that they first introduced at a mini-summit in April.
He described the April meeting as one between “four countries that got together and had a little bitty summit” and then referred to them collectively as “the chocolate makers.”
You can tell from the “itty bitty” phrase that this announcement was cooked up by the same Rovian operators who had Bush deride a certain tax cut not too long ago. Read the full story here.
John Isbell
September 3, 2003 at 1:55 pm
2Yes, that Boucher thing was not a spontaneous decision. It’s really not his style, if you’ve seen him speak to the press. The most urbane, mild-mannered front man in the administration. I’ll bet they enjoyed having him say it.
Brilliant post.
Murray
September 3, 2003 at 4:08 pm
3Let me get this straight, you guys call us Old Europe
and now chocolate makers, you rename those hideous patato things “freedom fries”, go into Iraq even though we said there was no threat and it would be a mess, and now it’s a mess and you want us to sign up and send our soldiers into a shooting gallery as targets.
OK, why not? where do we sign?
?
September 3, 2003 at 4:56 pm
4This is exactly what is still happening. No changes.
hortensio
September 3, 2003 at 5:08 pm
5common side-effects include manifestations of public discontent, including but not limited to mobs, riots, protests, vigils, strikes, hunger strikes, and the projectile use of rancid fish. should any of these side-effects occur, please ask our doctors about the new Democracy (r) pill.
eddievas
September 3, 2003 at 6:50 pm
6Are you sure this is for real….I want to say yes to a sunny vacation, but my mommy told me that sometimes these free trips are a sham!!
Eva
September 3, 2003 at 11:29 pm
7The best headline was in Salon today: “Would you like some freedom fries with
your crow, Mr. President?”
Bob
September 4, 2003 at 12:16 am
8It wouldn’t hurt to throw in a free set of steak knives for the first ten countries to respond.
tim
September 4, 2003 at 1:04 pm
9In semi-related military news…
http://ap.tbo.com/ap/breaking/MGAC9PDX6KD.html
You see? When the Pentagon really has a problem, they can put their heads together and come up with a solution. And what timing!
(Yes, I know, most military funerals are for WWII, Korean and Vietnam vets, and my own father received a miltary funeral, complete with a real bugler. Still, in light of recent events, this story did seem ripe for satire.)
Mike
September 4, 2003 at 2:26 pm
10Posted by eddievas at September 3, 2003 06:50 PM:
Are you sure this is for real….I want to say yes to a sunny vacation, but my mommy told me that sometimes these free trips are a sham!!
After you listen to our 30-minute presention on opportunities to own vacation property in Najaf, there is no catch at all…