Up to 50 Taliban Killed in Afghan Fighting
Al Qaeda Web Site Claims U.N. Bombing in Baghdad

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To: All Senior Administration Officials
From: Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
Re: Step 4

Howdy, all! It’s been a great year, and you all have a lot to be proud of. Hats off. Really.

It’s come to my attention that there have been a couple of snafus in the execution of our War on Terror game-plan, so I thought I’d touch base with you all about where we stand and where we’re going. As you know, we have and always have had a detailed blueprint for winning the wars and the peaces, whatever the critics may say. Heck, let ‘em talk. [For now, Johnny, for now. lol!]

Just to review the basic structure we threw together in November, 2001, which we employed so successfully in Afghanistan and Iraq:

Step 1 - Focus attention on rogue nation. Make lots of demands. Ignore the naysayers. Plan an attack using overwhelming force.

Step 2 - Attack! Use said overwhelming force to topple rogue regime.

Step 3 - Install an interim government while crazy people run around killing each other and blowing stuff up.

Step 4 - TBD

Step 5 - Peace and prosperity. A strong and friendly government helps us combat terror and buys stuff from us.

It’s a great plan, and in both countries it’s safe to say that we’re at least 60% of the way there. Kudos all around.

Now, you may remember back when some of the guys in the State Department suggested that Step 4 was a little under-developed. Wimps! [Hee hee, just kidding, Colin - we luv you. :-) ] But they did have a point of sorts.

Obviously, any decent rendering of Step 4 would involved stopping the “crazy people running around killing each other and blowing stuff up.” Currently, our strategy for Step 4 is the time-honored method of dealing with rebels who are indistinguishable from the general population (see Kissinger’s “Dealing With Rebels Who Are Indistinguishable From The General Population,” 1969): Blow them up faster than they can blow us up.

It’s a good plan, one that served us well in Vietnam and is currently being zestfully employed by the Israelis. The one tiny flaw in the scheme is that some of the boys down at State have crunched the numbers and determined that it hasn’t actually worked all that often. Um, in fact, the current success rate is “never.” There’s a couple of wild cards in there that keep it from working, things like “increasing resentment of occupation” and “a never-ending supply of relatives of those we’ve blown up.”

What I’m saying is that Step 4 could use some tweaking, and I’m asking you all for ideas. Particularly before we go ahead with Syria, Iran, and Canada (shh!). Please don’t suggest anything that alters Steps 1-3 - we’re committed to those. [internationalize this, Armitage. Heh - just ribbin’ ya! ;-) ]

Anyway, a solution or two would really be appreciated, no doubt about it. If you could get ‘em to me before November of next year, that’d be aces. Especially maybe you guys over at the State Department. I know there’s been some rough patches between us, but we’re all on the same team and I’ve taken steps to make sure that all the teasing in the hallways and graffiti on your lockers stops now. So let’s get to work on this, huh? Together. For real this time. Honest injun. Seriously.

Okay, now get to work, pals!

Love,

Rummy