“Ashcroft’s speech marked the start of a campaign-style offensive aimed at countering criticism from leading Democrats and civil liberties advocates about the Patriot Act. He plans a road trip Wednesday and Thursday, with remarks to law enforcement audiences in Philadelphia, Cleveland, Detroit and Des Moines, Iowa.”
- from CNN
_________________________________________________
INT. DARKENED AUDITORIUM
[The crowd is hushed in anticipation. A few spotlights trace around the audience. Suddenly, a dramatic announcer’s voice is heard, accompanied by sustained low guitar notes and scattered drumbeats.]
ANNOUNCER: Once in every generation comes a man unafraid. Unafraid to protect our way of life. To drag our freedoms into the spotlight of Law, cuff them, and hold them there so that nobody can steal them. Tonight, we’ll meet this generation’s defender. Ladies and gentlemen…. John Ashcroft!
[The stage bursts into illumination, accompanied by fireworks and the peal of electric guitars. At center, we see Ashcroft, silhouetted against the display. The crowd roars.]
ASHCROFT: Are you ready to be rocked!? I can’t heeeeaaar you!
[The crowd goes nuts. Ashcroft comes forward, so that all can see the spangled lycra jumpsuit, the heavy eye makeup, the spiked hair.]
ASHCROFT (pointing to his headset): No, actually I can hear you just fine!
[The crowd howls with laughter and approval.]
ASHCROFT: And do you know why? Do. You. Know. WHY!!!??
[Huge heavy metal guitars and propulsive percussion as Ashcroft struts back and forth across the stage.]
ASHCROFT (singing): Baby listen to me, ‘cuz I’m listenin’ to you
My love’s so strong I gotta know about every thing you do
My love for you is growing, just watch as it enlarges
Oh I just wanna hold you babe, with no specific charges!
[More cheering. Ashcroft drops to his knees, thrusting and writhing in simulated ecstasy as he builds towards the chorus.]
ASHCROFT: Can you feel it? Can you feel it? Here it comes… (singing) Oh babe I wanna touch you with my-
Patriot Act! Can you feel it ’round you?
Patriot Act! Your arms and legs are bound, you feel my
Patriot Act! Can you feel the pride?
Patriot Act! I wanna come inside!
[Another explosion, and the music drops to a pulsating thrum as Ashcroft kneels, sweating, in front of the adoring throng.]
ASHCROFT (speaking in a passionate undertone): Oh baby, there are some who say what I want to do to you is wrong. But they don’t understand, girl. It’s a dangerous world out there, baby. And I just wanna keep you safe. I just wanna wrap you up in my love. I just wanna… I just wanna…
[The music swells again. Ashcroft rises, pumping one mail-clad fist in the air.]
ASHCROFT: I’ll always be there for you babe, you’ll never be alone.
I’ll listen to what you have to say, even when you’re on the phone.
I just wanna keep you babe, keep you just for me.
I’m reaching out right to ya babe, in seat 11-D.
[A spotlight hits seat 11-D, not far from the stage. The man illuminated there looks around in confusion as he is swarmed by several black uniformed law enforcement officials. They club him violently as the crowd cheers, then drag him off. The crowd roars its approval as the music begins to build again.]
ASHCROFT: Whoa! Looks like someone’s gonna get rocked tonight! And I don’t have to tell you a damn thing about it! You know why, babe? YOU KNOW WHY!? ‘Cuz tonight we’re gonna do it in my -
Patriot Act! Chains that feel like satin!
Patriot Act! You’re my enemy combatant, it’s my
Patriot Act! Come meet the new PD!
Patriot Act! Inside it we’re all FREE!!!
[Sweating, Ashcroft strikes an arena-pleasing pose. Heavily armored officers infiltrate the audience, dragging random audience members out of the screaming, dancing crowd. Ashcroft dives from the stage, and the throng passes him around as he body-surfs, an ecstatic expression on his face. Returning to the stage, someone presses a (probably terrorist) chicken into Ashcroft’s hands, and he obligingly bites its head off. Guitars wail…]
Fanny Roborat
11 comments
Superskepticalman
August 22, 2003 at 2:34 pm
1Oooo, baby; that “Power of the Will” tour - it’s so, so, makes me feel see-cure.
max
August 22, 2003 at 2:44 pm
2I’m listening to some old-school Suicidal Tendencies right now (How will I laugh tomorrow If I can’t even smile today for those interested) and your lyrics would be amazing sung to this music. Great stuff, and expect it to be appropriated for a heavy metal song my me.
Why can’t I ask any questions if what you say is true
Am I supposed to believe everything - or just everything said by you?
And how can you call me stupid - when you don’t understand what I say
And how can you call me evil - have you spoken to God today - and what did he say?
— Suicidal Tendencies, Pledge Your Allegiance - 1988
Murray
August 22, 2003 at 5:06 pm
3Wow, and all of this from someone who lost his election to a dead guy.
You just never know what will spawn the next superstar.
t.a.
August 22, 2003 at 7:47 pm
4i can’t believe you rhymed “satin” with “combatant”
i hope there is a clause in the Patriot Act to deal with such acts of terror against language!
Don
August 23, 2003 at 12:43 pm
5When i heard the honorable A.G. widely proclaiming that the Patriot Act had been a “Turning Point” for once I had to agree with him (perhaps not for quite the same reasons, albeit). I really think of it as more of a Tipping Point, though.
I can hardly wait to see how things go as we proceed to pick up momentum in this tip (oops, I mean turn, of course).
John Isbell
August 23, 2003 at 1:28 pm
6Brilliant. I liked the song, and this: “To drag our freedoms into the spotlight of Law, cuff them, and hold them there so that nobody can steal them.”
Anya
August 23, 2003 at 2:47 pm
7In a letter to the editor of the St. Louis Post Dispatch last week, a Missouri resident was responding to a claim that Missourians, after electing a dead man to the Senate, had no moral ground from which to mock the current California situation. His argument was that given that the dead man’s opponent was John Ashcroft, they should be cut some slack. And also that if Missourians had known what would happen after Ashcroft lost, they would have taken one for the team and sent him back to the Senate.
jason
August 24, 2003 at 3:41 pm
8now I have visions of Ashcroft in lycra and heavy makeup ughhh… god help us all.
Kip W
August 24, 2003 at 3:54 pm
9Clearly, Felber’s a Satinist.
Eva
August 26, 2003 at 5:15 pm
10Hey Adam I would be careful. After just reading in Salon about the early demise of Lenny Bruce for among other things using the word “come” in a way the government didn’t like I worry about your safety…. Lock your doors at night that is all I am saying.
Landis
August 28, 2003 at 2:02 pm
11“Ashcroft Rocks and Rolls America”
http://www.markfiore.com/animation/patriot.html