Dick Gephardt picked up his 12th major union endorsement yesterday, triggering Fanatical Apathy’s Automatic Consideration Mechanism. Let’s take a hard look at the soft-money man:

Some say that Gephardt is the ultimate Consolation Prize Candidate, the kind of candidate you run against an unbeatable opponent in recognition of a lifetime of loyal service, like a Dole or a Mondale or a Kevin Costner movie. So conventional wisdom dictates that he might not be right for an election that may well feature both George W. Bush and relatively functional voting machines. Which brings us to the question - who is Dick Gephardt, what does he stand for, and what’s with all those superfluous consonants?

For one, the guy’s a liberal. Despite his pragmatic approach, he’s actually a little to the left of Howard Dean. Hell, there are honey-producing worker bees who find him a little too populist for their taste (”Just a smidgen more free enterprise,” is the tiny cry being heard from apiaries around the nation). He favors universal health care that guarantees all citizens the same health conditions, doled out from a central office. He defends a woman’s right to choose right up until her potential offspring’s graduation from high school. And, of course, he’s a friend of the unions.


[The candidate, decorating his new campaign
headquarters in the AFL/CIO men’s room.]

Sure, there’s nothing particularly revolutionary about Gephardt’s ideas, but they’re well-considered. It might be refreshing to have a President whose initiatives aren’t offered with a manic glint and the phrase “It’s so crazy, it just might work!”

So, you’re thinking, what are his negatives? First and foremost are the eyebrows. Besides making it hard to read his facial expressions, he’s a challenge to photographers whenever he stands next to anybody swarthier than a polar bear. And Americans aren’t comfortable being forced to think about what their leaders’, um, body hair almost definitely looks like. At least I’m not. I like a little mystery.

Then there’s the Personality Issue. Gephardt recently said in his defense that he’s not a “flavor of the month.” This is true, but there’s concern that the statement would work just as well without the “of the month.” He likes sports. He loves his family. He’s just like you and me, where the definition of “you” is “all hominids.”

The campaign would offer some challenges. He’ll never be able to paint himself as an outsider. But then, what do I know? I would’ve given Bush slightly less favorable odds than Uday Hussein for pulling off that particular rhetorical gambit.

Honestly, if Gephardt gets the nomination (through a set of conditions that would also involve airborne hogs and a Winter Olympics in hell), I’ll vote for him. My feeling would be, “Sure, why not?” That’s not a great campaign slogan, but he’d have my vote. Not that I’m conceding just yet - I’m pretty sure my campaign has the right strategy for beating him. Engineering one or two more union endorsements for him oughta do the trick.