From the Guardian Unlimited - All would-be candidates for the governorship of California have to file their nomination papers by Saturday. So far, 344 people have taken out the necessary papers to run and pundits predict that at least 100 of them will have their names on the ballot when the matter comes before the electorate on October 7.
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PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT OF GUBERNATORIAL DEBATE - SEPTEMBER 28, 2003
MODERATOR: …once again, I must ask everyone to settle down. There are still 47 candidates who haven’t had an opportunity to answer the question. Now, next is candidate Willy “Beanhead” Grapner of Mendocino. Mr. Grapner -
GRAPNER: Call me “Beanhead.”
MODERATOR: All right, Beanhead, what steps would you take to reduce the budget deficit?
MRS. LETITIA ARNBY: Buckets! Buckets!
MODERATOR: Mrs. Arnby, I remind you that you’ve had your chance to reply. Mr. Gr- um, Beanhead?
GRAPNER: Simple. Legalize pot, outlaw broccoli, seal the borders, and stop mollycoddlin’ the Hungarians.
MRS. ARNBY: Buckets! Fiddle faddle!
GRAPNER: Vote Beanhead!
MODERATOR: Okay, thank you, Beanhead. Next up is Representative Darrell Issa.
[Assorted cheers, jeers, catcalls, and raspberries.]
ANGELYNE: Oops - I dropped my pen again.
[More cheers and whistles as candidate Angelyne bends to retrieve her pen.]
MODERATOR: Congressman Issa?
ISSA: You know, I think I’ll pass.
MRS. ARNBY: Buckets! Froggy went a-courtin’!
MODERATOR: Mr. Issa. You started all this. It’s 2 AM, we’re still on the first question, and the entire world is laughing at us. If you don’t answer the question, I will personally come up there and beat you senseless with this microphone. Are we clear?
ISSA: Um… yeah.
CANDIDATE VANCE “DAWG” BERNWALD: You GO, dude! Fuck him up! Fight!
MODERATOR: That’s enough, Bernwald. Mr. Issa?
ISSA: Okay. Well, as I’ve said before, Governor Davis -
ANGELYNE: Gosh, it’s hot in here, anyone mind if I…
LARRY FLYNT: Go right ahead, babe.
[Cheers, shouts of “Take it off, Miss Governor!”]
ISSA: - that is, Gray Davis has driven -
MRS. ARNBY: Bigboy! Goshamighty! Buckets!
ISSA: - um, it’s time to, well…
BERNWALD: Spit it out, dude.
MODERATOR: I’m sorry, Mr. Issa, your time is up.
ISSA: Yeah but -
MODERATOR: Next, we have candidate Murray Templeton from “Jupiter…”
[etc.]
Fanny Roborat
22 comments
Murray
August 6, 2003 at 5:22 pm
1Hey wait a minute, I’m not from Jupiter, I’m from Grouseland, let’s get that straight.
It’s almost hard to satire something so bizzar. How could you top the chaos that is California.
I guess that it’s true, the country is tilted and the loose ends have rolled to California.
B.
August 6, 2003 at 6:09 pm
2I don’t think it’s the “loose ends” that have rolled in here as much as multi-millionaire’s with too much time and money and giant political grudges. The sixth largest economy in the world is being run like a banana republic… or Florida.
Evan
August 6, 2003 at 6:10 pm
3Speaking as a proud Californian, this recall election is the greatest thing that’s happened in state politics in years.
I mean, come on. Minnesota was ahead of us in the embarassing nutcase celebrity governor race. MINNESOTA, for crying out loud!
I mean, sure, we elected Ronald Reagan governor, but that was almost 40 years ago. And sending Sonny Bono to Congress wasn’t too bad, but it was only one congressional district out of more than fifty. Our governors have been a long succession of bland, waspy no-names. Our reputation was at stake–we needed to take drastic actions.
And now… NOW we’re looking at a serious race between Gary Coleman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Arianna Huffington and Larry Flynt. YEAH, baby! THIS is what California politics is supposed to BE like!
Benedict
August 6, 2003 at 7:09 pm
4Yes, Evan; MINNESOTA.
Are you implying that we aren’t the voice of the nation, the state you all look up to?
Arrrggh, I’m having ‘84 flashbacks.
Erik
August 6, 2003 at 7:31 pm
5As a Minnesotan, even one against his will (4 weeks until I leave this hell hole and get back to PDX), I have to take objection to your statement Evan. You make it seem like Minnesota is a responsible state, politically. We need to get our jollies out somewhere, you know?
EV
August 6, 2003 at 11:56 pm
6Since anything seems to go, I’m throwing my support behind Roberto Begnini.
(While standing on a unicycle at a UAW rally) “Yesa! Pleasa! Roberto for Governor oh-a-three-a! All-a the Hollywood girlza! So beautiful!”
Boozy
August 7, 2003 at 12:51 am
7I think the ballot might be a bit confusing for some folks. Say someone votes for Arnold but they meant Arnold Drummond, not Arnold Whatshisnameger. I think the latter Arnold should have (not Drummond)next to his name on the ballot or else it’s going to be Florida 2000 all over again.
RS78
August 7, 2003 at 8:44 am
8Take a look at the candidates and you know why you don’t wanna live in Cali.
Chicory
August 7, 2003 at 9:09 am
9The idea of a political debate with ALL those candidates alone makes me laugh. It actually happening ? I suspect even Adam has down played how outrageous it would be. (Does “Afghan tribal counsel” ring a bell?)
Darrell
August 7, 2003 at 10:49 am
10Why are we looking at this thing like it’s some kind of bizarre mongolian clusterfuck?
This is what Democracy is all about, people - giving every man and woman the chance to seek the confidence of their peers, and be chosen from a diverse and representative group of oddballs and/or washout celebrities to rule like a tyranical dictator.
Her Excellency, Dee (Future Ambassador to Fiji)
August 7, 2003 at 11:53 am
11I’m just a little frightened that I live in a country where someone would think it is appropriate to declare his candidacy for governor on The Tonight Show.
Of course, declaring your candidacy for President via your Blog is PERFECTLY acceptable.
Tom from Tacoma
August 7, 2003 at 1:23 pm
12Darrell,
Actually it is a “bizarre mongolian clusterfuck” Darryl, and Adam has pegged it perfectly. Seriously, I’m moving to Barstow, changing my name to Anne Coulter and running for Governor. My boss lives in Olympia WA; he’s going to run on the Flat Earth Party ticket and when we both win we’re going to invade Oregon, split it up and call ourselves the Axis of Bozos.
Gregory
August 7, 2003 at 1:30 pm
13Mr. Felber,
Couldn’t you run for Cali Gov. while waiting around for next November? You could claim to be a Reagan re-enactor who is compressing RR’s whole bio into 14 months.
Semi-seriously though - wasn’t the recall law intented to remove Govs suspected of robbing banks? California had problems before Davis, and while people derided his attempt to blame the current crisis on electicity price fixing, he’s been proven right and oh, um, never mind…
Anonymous
August 7, 2003 at 2:08 pm
14“MRS. ARNBY: Buckets! Froggy went a-courtin’!”
Damn. I’m votin’ for her.
Holly
August 7, 2003 at 3:04 pm
15Okay, Ahnuld is trying to be the Cuddly Republican, Arianna’s trying out her new Leftie digs, Mike can’t handle Arianna getting all the attention (especially since he got turned down for the political pundit position on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy), and Flynt likes messing with us. But what was Gary Coleman thinking? “Gee, I’ve got $3500. I could buy a used 94 Geo Metro with no air conditioning, or I could file my gubernatorial candidacy. One would get me to my minimum wage security gig, the other might require trips to El Centro. Eenie, meenie, miney…”
Jason
August 7, 2003 at 5:17 pm
16ISSA: You know, I think I’ll pass.
And, in fact, he just decided not to run. Can we beat him senseless with a microphone now?
Ed
August 7, 2003 at 6:07 pm
17Angelyne!!!!! Angelyne!!!! Wheeee!!! If I could vote in CA, I’d vote for Angelyne!
Darrell
August 8, 2003 at 10:12 am
18Tom from Tacoma,
My earlier post was an attempt at sarcasm. Apparently I’m just not as adept at conveying it (without resorting to cheesey emoticons) as Mr. Felber.
Also, keep in mind I’m Canadian…and therefore a communist.
John Isbell
August 8, 2003 at 10:19 am
19An indie newspaper paid for Coleman and collected the signatures.
Vince
August 11, 2003 at 5:01 am
20Tom from Tacoma,
I live in Barstow. Please do not joke about anyone named Anne Coulter moving and living here. Just thinking about it makes me want to patrol the city borders vigilantly with a whiffle bat to prevent it. I’d like to say I’d knock some sense into her but I don’t think that’s possible.
Ffemme
August 13, 2003 at 4:52 pm
21A pity Jesse Ventura’s reign of terror is over…I’m envisioning some sort of gubernatorial grudge match between MN and CA, the prize money going to balance the budget of the winning guv’s state.
Tom from Tacoma
August 13, 2003 at 5:34 pm
22I went to the Seattle Opera (Parsifal) on Sunday and missed the filing deadline. So don’t worry Vince, you won’t have Anne Coulter to kick around any longer.
btw- Compared to California, even Wagner didn’t have serious issues.