I’ve only been married for seven months, but without your help, it could be over.

The problem is those gay people. And I mean that in the best possible way. If not for the bold pronouncements of President Bush and the Pope, it might already be too late. But now, thanks to them, we might be able to save it.

President Bush wants to make a move to “protect the sanctity” of marriage, defining it as between a man and a woman. Legislate sanctity now, in other words, or lose it forever. That’s true in my case, and I suspect I’m not alone.

See, what makes our marriage so special to me and my wife is that our government recognizes it as a sacred union that gay people can’t have. I mean, sure, we love each other and everything, but the real glue that holds us together is that we’ve joined an exclusive club that gay people aren’t allowed to join.

Now don’t start thinking that we’re anti-gay or anything. We have lots and lots of gay friends. And we love them and want the best for them.

But not this. Because when our gay friends start getting married, it will cheapen and destroy what we have. Not in a religious way (No. Legislating on those grounds would be illegal, for heaven’s sake!). It’s more of a general thing. Like, generally, gays getting married will undercut everything Jeanne and I have tried to build because… because… it will make our union less special. It will. We’ll lose interest. We’ll probably just start thinking, “What’s so important about our vows? After all, even gay people can make them.”

And that’s not a knock on gay people. No no no. America loves its gays. Look at the TV, with all those funny gay people on “Will and Grace,” and “Queer as Folk,” and “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” They’re funny! Funny, colorful people - they’re nature’s clowns, really. Like penguins.

I’m not sure if legalizing penguin marriages would have any effect on my own marriage. I’d have to think about that. And obviously, gay people are people, not penguins. It’s just a metaphor. But I think you all probably know what I mean.

Straight people are good with marriage, too. Jeanne and I can look around at other married couples - at least the ones that aren’t currently dealing with serial infidelity, divorce, spousal abuse, or bigamy - and think to ourselves, “Yes, that’s what we’re striving for. That kind of sanctity.” I’m not sure that gays would show the same universal respect for the institution that comes so easily to us straight people.

Anyway, these are dark times in my household. My wife and I look at each other with haunted, suspicious eyes, feeling like we’ve bought a whole bunch of shares in a stock that is about to be devalued. Suddenly, the eternal, personal vows that we swore to each other will mean very little. How could they, when gay people are out there making similar vows? We’ll basically become roommates who happen to wear matching rings, while meanwhile out our window we’ll see gays and penguins feeding each other wedding cake willy-nilly on our very own street corner.

Don’t let that happen. Save my marriage. Call your congressman or your clergyman, whichever, and tell ‘em that to stop this madness before it’s too late. It’s only good sense. And you may just save my marriage.