I’ve just returned from a media luncheon, hosted by “The Week” magazine. The panel consisted of Sidney Blumenthal, Monica Crowley, Gary Hart, Ed Rollins, and moderator Harold Evans. The topic was “Is Bush Unbeatable in 2004?”

Naturally, when I received my invitation I immediately resolved not to hog too much of the limelight. As the only (declared) presidential candidate in attendance, I thought it would be bad form to take too much advantage of my access to the media. No, I told myself, in fairness to my fellow candidates I would try to stay focussed on the issue at hand amid the inevitable firestorm of questions that would be put to me.

It was therefore an unpleasant surprise, as I sat down modestly towards the back of the room (next to, by the way, the lovely and estimable Mad Kane), that I began to notice a distinct lack of “buzz” around my presence. In fact, during the entire discussion (in which, predictably, the Democrats talked about Issues and the Republicans talked about Strategy), my name was not mentioned. Not once. At first I thought it was out of respect for my privacy, but when I met Eric Alterman afterwards and introduced myself, he seemed to recognize me not as a presidential candidate, but only as “Charlie Pierce’s friend, from that show…”

Clearly, there’s a problem in my campaign. And like our Commander in Chief, when a problem arises, I know not to point the finger at myself. So I’ve decided to rush an announcement that I’d been intending to save for a more opportune moment (like for instance, the Democratic National Convention):

As of today, my running mate for the Presidency in 2004 is Peter Sagal.

Some of you may be a bit shocked that I’d usurp Fanny the Roborat so abruptly, but it’s been pointed out that Fanny is underage, underfunded, and - frankly - a rat. I assure you that Fanny will still help with the campaign, and she will be a valuable part of any Felber administration. This is just an important step in an evolving campaign, and my strategists tell me that Bush has pretty much locked down the rat vote anyway.


[Future Vice President Sagal: The best
life insurance policy a candidate
could ever want.]

Here, then, is a statement from your next Vice President:

“I believe that Adam Felber is the finest, most qualified candidate in the race, and it is my honor to do whatever I can to help him achieve that goal. Not for me. But for the American people.

And, of course, if, upon being elected, he were to suddenly come across some completely accidental death, something like having a weight dropped on his head while he waited on a specific street corner at a specific time, I would feel obligated to serve out his term in the way that he would want it done.

And, of course, take his wife into my home as my second spouse, as our ancient tradition as Jews demands.

And take his PS2, because I don’t have one.”

Thank you, Peter. Welcome to the campaign trail. I’d like to see ‘em try to ignore us at luncheons now.