While signing some autographs in Michigan, I met longtime Fanatical Apathy reader/commenter Mary Weed. Mary and her companion were smartly accessorized with homemade campaign badges (how’s THAT for grassroots, Dean?):
This made me realize that I’ve been a bit slow about really getting my campaign machine rolling. Sure, the platform is starting to fall into place, but I’ve been been pretty quiet lately, and some pundits are starting to wonder why.
In some ways it’s a strategic decision - I’m allowing the field to thin itself out a bit. Just the other day I was saying to my friend General Wesley Clark, “Wes, we’re playing it pretty smart, huh? Cagey, that’s us.” General Clark looked at me with a conspiratorial smile and said, “Who the hell are you? Get out of my garden or I’ll snap your spine like a breadstick.” That Wes! I look forward to our vigorous debates when it finally comes time for us two pals to square off in the name of democracy.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure the best way to get the buzz started is the traditional one. With that in mind here’s Candidate Felber’s Guide to Why Everyone Else is Unelectable (part 1).
Howard Dean - The former Governor of Ben & Jerry’s has been making headlines with his thriving internet presence, which has raised enormous amounts of money and provided America’s disenfranchised with a social life. Dean’s done for the internet what Jerry Brown did for 1-800 numbers in 1992, and as a result he too will fall to the “different and therefore evil and wrong” labeling strategy that works so well against innovators in America. But his main weakness is all too obvious: You don’t give the facile folks in the Bush camp a candidate who both opposed the war in Iraq and has a name as easy to rhyme pejoratively as “Howard.” Also, I’ve heard it said that Dean gunned down a Burlington school teacher in 1997 for no apparent reason.
Joe Lieberman - Sure, Joe can out-Republican the Republicans. Sure, he’s established that one of the Chosen has a chance of being chosen in America. Yes, he’s proved to a nation that being Jewish doesn’t necessarily mean that one is entertaining. But there is simply no part of Joe Lieberman’s appearance or personality that isn’t droopy - he’s a living, uncomfortable reminder of gravity’s tyranny. And that simply doesn’t resonate well with the American people; recent history proves that we prefer candidates whose heads actually seem to be lighter than air. Also, I read somewhere that Lieberman drinks the blood of Christian babies.
John Kerry - Being the first Irish-Jewish-Czech-Romanian-Bolivian-Chinese American presidential candidate does carry a certain cache. And the Republicans already used up their best robot jokes in the last election. But apathy favors the incumbent, and research indicates that a Bush/Kerry debate would score Nielsen ratings somewhere between those of “Cagney and Lacey” reruns and “The Home Shopping Network’s Collectible Figurine Fest.” Also, there may be nothing to the rumors about Kerry’s unfortunate romantic liaison with an underage woodchuck, but it’s out there.
Finally, my fellow Americans, I leave you with the latest artistic contribution from a Felber supporter, the amazing Rick Schmitz. I think it speaks for itself, which is something I pledge, as a professional candidate, to never, ever do.
Fanny Roborat
19 comments
Anonymous Mommie
July 7, 2003 at 4:33 pm
1Ooooh.
I want a poster!
Anonymous Mommie again
July 7, 2003 at 4:38 pm
2..anna bumper sticker, anna button, and one of them flashing buttons what changes when you move around an’ window decals an’ keyrings anna sponge that looks flat as a letter but pumps up when it hits the dishwater, anna gimme cap, an’ stuff!
Platforms don’t matter.
Stuff do.
Catherine
July 7, 2003 at 4:51 pm
3What she said! Anna t-shirt!
jr
July 7, 2003 at 5:01 pm
4Beats a rubber pot in every chicken.
Or a pot in every chicken.
(although I’m guessing that would get you the Berkeleye votes.)
Dee
July 7, 2003 at 7:00 pm
5If nothing else, all those items would make swell “thank you” premiums during the next local NPR funder.
Murray
July 7, 2003 at 8:20 pm
6First I look at the real picture of you, then I look at the cartoon picture, then the real, then the cartoon.
It’s pretty obvious that the real you needs to take a year and a half vacation and turn all public appearances over to the cartoon. Don’t worry, Americans, as they have proven of late, can’t tell the difference.
michael
July 7, 2003 at 8:53 pm
7…of course I definitely don’t put any stock in the rumors of Felbers penchant extended three-way debaucheries with a huge electrified rat and a dead chicken. But those, along with his well-established formal wear fetish, would seem problematic…
Sharoney
July 7, 2003 at 10:17 pm
8So when is Rat-Boy going to declare himself as your running mate?
By the way, ditch the morning coat. You look like a waiter at a funeral luncheon.
Nothing personal.
Sharoney
I wanna tee shirt too
Tom
July 7, 2003 at 10:44 pm
9How about the Felber/Sagal ticket for 2004….funniest and most dead-pan President and Vice-President we could have! Carl Kassel could be the Ari of the new age!
Educated Comedian
July 8, 2003 at 2:41 am
10Or even better - the Felberg - Segal ticket. Think about it. Steven’s “hands on” approach to Homeland Security could be a boost to your appeal with that key demographic of 12 - 16 year old males. Besides, wouldn’t it be a refreshing change of pace to have a VICE president that couldn’t handle polysyllabic words? Never mind the rumors that Van Damme made him cry like a nine year old girl at a glue factory…
Educated Comedian
July 8, 2003 at 2:43 am
11The fact that I’m incapable of spelling “Felber” probably says something about my chaces of getting a key cabinet position….
Chicory
July 8, 2003 at 10:09 am
12Me, too. I want the “new” button, t-shirt, hat, tote, umbrella……. Ahhh, to have artistic talent. I can only do Photoshop(tm) - sigh.
And now, my cover has been blown. Thanks Adam.
Larry
July 8, 2003 at 12:29 pm
13Great oppo research! Just one little tip: when making a personal attack on a political opponent, you might want to avoid leaving yourself open to an easy counter-charge. For example, have someone touch-up your campaign photo before referring to Joe Lieberman as “droopy”. I thought you were wearing glasses until I realized that those dark circles under your eyes were part of your face.
Anonymous
July 8, 2003 at 1:49 pm
14You went to far on lieberman & Christian babies. The fact that he’s proof that not all Jews are entertaining—hilarious, but too many died for the other rumor for it to be used even in fun, even by another of the Chosen.
A. Comedian
July 8, 2003 at 6:29 pm
15No such thing as going to far.* Nor is there such thing as going too far in comedy.
*Unless there is a town called Far I am unaware of.
I’m 100 poicent heeb and I thought it was hilarious.
Dave
July 8, 2003 at 8:15 pm
16The Christian babies thing might not entirely cross the line in my opinion. From context, one can see that the Baby-bloodthirst is actaully fiction.
That said, It is true that “too many died for [this] rumor” and really, it wasn’t funny enough to justify its use.
This rumor is by no means too taboo to be joked about. But IMHO, any joke about something such as this needs to be so laugh-out-loud funny that a)The humour outweighs the offensiveness, b)somebody who might give even the tiniest bit of credance to the rumour would realize how absurd it is, and c)that it is not done simply for a cheap laugh.
None of the above critera were met.
Humour is one of our greatest weapons in the battle against bigotry. However, it is equally, if not more powerful in the hands of the bigots. So, please, by all means joke about this stuff, but let us be careful to say what we mean and mean what we say.
Dave
July 8, 2003 at 8:16 pm
17on a completly unrelated note, please do submit this to Cafepress.com, I’d buy it.
adam
July 9, 2003 at 1:46 am
18What a great discussion!
For me, I agree with Dave for the most part. Except for the “wasn’t funny enough” bit.
In other words, I like the cost/benefit analysis, just not the results of it. Change that, would you?
Humor’s always a matter of taste, and to me a jew actively invoking a suicidal myth in order to gain a small political advantage is screamingly funny.
But that’s just me. I guess my amusement is amplified by the relative lack of actual reporting on whether Lieberman’s Judaism might possibly affect his campaign. JFK was treated to a much more open public debate over his Catholicism in 1960. But here in the 00z we show our enlightenedness by not talking about it at all, even though there are assuredly hundreds of thousands of voters who wouldn’t even consider Lieberman strictly because of his faith. To me, and maybe only to me, that’s funny as well, or at least very, very sad. Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell the difference.
Still, I’m sorry if anyone was offended. Them’s the breaks in comedy, but still… and thanks, all, for the comments.
…and please, Vote Felber!
John Isbell
July 10, 2003 at 1:30 pm
19As a goy, I did wince at the babies line, and smiled too. I think it works better if you’re Jewish, and I like Adam’s reply. You know, I remember months ago commenting on “The Book of Lieberman”, not knowing like a moron that Adam is Jewish, if that makes a difference (and it does - I couldn’t write the babies line). Spike Lee touches on this in Bamboozled.
A Jew attacking another candidate by saying “He’s (or she’s) a Jew!” seems pretty funny to me, in fiction. I’d guess that it’s happened in politics with gays, and Lieberman’s CT opponent, now in prison as a child molester, attacked Lieberman as soft on child molesters. Jon Stewart said Lieberman was perfect for those who liked Bush but felt he just wasn’t Jewish enough.
OTOH, I thought the Kerry attack was mean (this has nothing to do with my support of Kerry). If you want tedium, try Gephardt or Holy Joe.