Despite Promise, Gay Boy Scout Ousted

The story linked above is yet another, um, blow to the Boy Scouts and their image. Why are the Boy Scouts of America so obsessed with ferreting out gay scouts and scoutmasters? Even the supposedly open-minded Philadelphia branch has suddenly revealed that it had a secret “don’t-ask, don’t-tell, and don’t-tell-about-’don’t-ask-don’t-tell’” policy.

Generally this level of struggle and denial belies something deeper. Which brings us to our present line of inquiry: Just how gay are the Boy Scouts?

As an effete New Yorker and amateur semiotician with many gay friends and a tendency to hang around with a permissive crowd of writers, performers, and even musical theater types, I believe I’m eminently qualified to help answer this particular question.

[Before we begin, one admission: I was more or less kicked out of the Cub Scouts when I was 8 years old. From the start I was too much of a wiseacre to fit in, but the precipitating event was when Otto, my new German Shepherd puppy, ate my scout-issued balsa wood race car kit. It was to have been assembled for a rally to be held in my elementary school’s gymnasium the next week. At the next meeting when my Den Mother, Mrs. Magro, asked where my balsa wood racer was, I naturally replied “My dog ate it.” This led to riotous laughter from my fellow scouts and an angry tirade from Mrs. Magro, which included the enraged assertion that had she been my second grade teacher, she would have never allowed me to advance to the third grade. The other scouts sat in stunned silence at this as Mrs. Magro composed herself and I silently vowed to one day tar Mrs. Magro’s entire organization with a satirical essay that I would publish on some sort of worldwide computer network. But I don’t think that this compromises my objectivity.]

Okay, to business:

Exhibit A: We Love a Man in a Uniform

It was, perhaps, only mere happenstance that there wasn’t a guy dressed as a scoutmaster in the Village People. After all, the uniform is primarily there for its own sake; there is no opposing team they need to distinguish themselves from, there’s no enemy forces to do battle with. It’s just a snazzy uniform, complete with identifying kerchiefs. And it’s pretty hot.

Exhibit B: Classic Scout Iconography

They’ve toned it down in recent years, but there’s no denying that the Scouts long clung to a style of self-representation that the Ancient Greeks would have found a bit over-the-top. Depicting boys at the moment of puberty in short pants cavorting in the fresh air with their fellows and a few benevolent “masters” isn’t necessarily gay, or even sexual. But look at these from the point of view of a healthy adolescent gay male…

Exhibit C: The He-Man Woman Haters’ Club

But all this begs the question - say, isn’t it possible that the Scouts are just sexy, and not necessarily homosexy? Despite the kerchiefs? Yes, it’s possible. But visit the Boy Scouts’ extremely comprehensive website, and you’ll find everything that might concern a teen boy, from sports to outdoormanship to computer games to straight talk about drugs to religion to physical fitness. Everything, I say, that might be of interest to a teenage boy… except girls. Of the fair sex, we see next to nothing - no advice, no information, not even dire warnings or screeds in favor of abstinence as one finds on the subject of drugs. Nothing.

Unlike drugs, girls are not a problem as far as the Scouts are concerned. To what sort of 16 year-old boy (or middle-aged scoutmaster) are girls not a probelm?

Conclusion

So, how gay are the Scouts? My expert analysis is that they’re not “really, really gay” but probably gayer than “somewhat gay” and certainly not “not gay.” Most likely, the Scouts are somewhere between “moderately gay” and “pretty darn gay.” This means that they could be fun and fulfilling for gay and straight people alike. The fact that they’re embarked on a crusade to purge their ranks of gays… well, that’s sad. Future Scouts may Be Prepared, but they’ll never be fabulous.