CAMP DOHA, Kuwait (CNN) — The chief of Iraq’s Al Quds civilian militia, one of the leaders on the list of the 55 most wanted Iraqis, has been arrested, U.S. Central Command said Wednesday.
- from CNN

[Two INTERROGATORS enter a windowless cell.]

INTERROGATOR #1: Good afternoon, Mr. Futayyih Khalifa al-Rawi.

AL-RAWI: Please, call me “Ayad.”

[Interrogator #2 bursts forward and grabs al-Rawi by the lapels, shaking him.]

INTERROGATOR #2: You goddamned dirty lying sonuvabitch! Tell us where the nukes are!! Tell us!!

[Interrogator #1 pulls his partner away from al-Rawi.]

INTERROGATOR #1: I’m sorry, Mr. al-Rawi. I’m a reasonable man. But as you can see, my associate Mr. Caldwell has a bit of a temper.

AL-RAWI: Yes, I see that.

INTERROGATOR #1: I don’t know how long I can control him. So why don’t you do us all a favor and tell us where we can find the stockpiles of chemical, nuclear, and biological weapons?

AL-RAWI: Really, I don’t know anything about it. There used to be lots of them, but I really haven’t heard anything in the past few years. Really.

[Interrogator #2 launches himself from the corner, diving over the table and flattening al-Rawi against the wall.]

INTERROGATOR #2: You lying frickin’ godless camel jockey! Tell us where the weapons are or I’ll pull your heart out through your trachea! Tell us! TELL US!!

[Interrogator #1 pulls his partner away again.]

INTERROGATOR #1: For the love of god, al-Rawi, I don’t know how much longer I can hold him back. Please, just tell us what we need to know.

AL-RAWI: Look, I was in the military for 25 years. I’ve seen the good cop/ bad cop routine before.

[Pause.]

INTERROGATOR #1: Oh.

INTERROGATOR #2: Oh, sorry.

AL-RAWI: It’s okay.

INTERROGATOR #2: Usually, Frank does the bad cop.

AL-RAWI: I see.

INTERROGATOR #2: But since I’m kinda big, we thought we’d give it a try…

AL-RAWI: You were very good.

INTERROGATOR #2: You think so? I thought the table-dive was a little over the top.

AL-RAWI: No, no, it was good. Very believable.

INTERROGATOR #2: Thanks!

INTERROGATOR #1: Could we get back to the whole WMD thing, please?

AL-RAWI: Honestly, I don’t know where they are.

INTERROGATOR #2: Come on, you definitely do.

AL-RAWI: I do not.

INTERROGATOR #2: Do too!

AL-RAWI: Not.

INTERROGATOR #2: Too!

INTERROGATOR #1: Enough! Listen, Ayad, we know you know something. We’re sure of it. Our intelligence says -

AL-RAWI: Your intelligence? Do you really expect that to matter to me?

INTERROGATOR #1: Um… well, yeah.

AL-RAWI: Maybe you’ve managed to keep your country’s focus on pre-war intelligence, but come on! Think about it!

INTERROGATOR #2: I don’t follow you.

AL-RAWI: Look, I’m the 24th high-ranking official you’ve captured. That’s almost half of your silly deck of cards.

INTERROGATOR #1: So?

AL-RAWI: So, don’t you think that if anybody knew anything about the location of chemical and biological weapons, they’d have cut a deal with you already and led you to the stockpiles by now?

[Long pause.]

INTERROGATOR #1: Ouch.

INTERROGATOR #2: Wow.

[Another pause. Uncomfortable throat clearing. The sound of feet shifting back and forth.]

INTERROGATOR #1: Look, we’re gonna have to start over.

AL-RAWI (sighing): I understand.

INTERROGATOR #2: Don’t take it personal.

Al-RAWI: No, no.

INTERROGATOR #2 (quietly): Hey, and if you have any pointers, feel free to let me kno-

INTERROGATOR #1: Caldwell!

INTERROGATOR #2: Sorry, Frank.

[Another long, slightly embarrassed pause.]

INTERROGATOR #1: Now then, Mr. Futayyih Khalifa al-Rawi, why don’t you tell us about the location of your weapons of mass destruction?

[Interrogator #2 pulls Al-Rawi’s chair back violently and tilts it backwards.]

INTERROGATOR #2: You heard him, you sand-digging mother-licking towelhead! TELL US!

[etc.]