Now that I’ve practiced being sworn in (see below), it’s probably time that start talking about what exactly I intend to do as President. Although my advisors tell me this isn’t necessary, and that avoiding actual positions is a proven formula for campaign success, I think it’s only fair to let you know what you can expect from the Felber Administration. After all, I was unaccountably shut out of the recent Iowa debate, which means I’ll have to use this site as a bully pulpit to Get the Message Out.

The main message is simple: Vote For Me. Unfortunately, several other candidates have scurrilously co-opted this message. So here are the first few planks of my platform.

“Comrade Snowball’s Still Out There…” - To me, the Bush administration’s greatest success has been in decimating our enemies while leaving the kingpins MIA, thus making their Dreaded Return a lingering possibility. As long as Saddam and Osama are Still Out There, just about anything can be justified in the name of security. So if I’m elected, I pledge to strike down and subsequently lose track of dangerous leaders like Kim Jong Il, Jacques Chirac, and Ralph Nader.


[Candidate Felber on a swearing-in dry-run yesterday. Note
Chief Justice Renquist’s “weekend wear.”]

The Revolution Will Be Dolbyized - Gulf War II was an improvement over Operation Enduring Freedom from an audiovisual standpoint, but the production values still left a lot to be desired. Where was the hi-definition carnage and Surround Sound mayhem? Why didn’t Bush approve the Navy’s MR467 Missile, which featured a warhead capable of “extremely colorful explosions” and a propensity to “throw enemy combatants really high in the air?” Why does the US military lag so far behind Hollywood in terms of visual ooomph? As President, I’ll make sure that our Special Forces establish a multimedia beachhead with good lighting and immaculate sound long before invasions actually take place. I want to send a message to all news media outlets: A vote for Felber is a vote for Huge Ratings. Think about that while covering my campaign, okay?

Special Interest Olympics - Tired of concealing incriminating paper trails? Finished with having to deny influence-peddling? The Felber campaign isn’t going to play those deceitful, covert games: Pony up the bucks and I’ll take care of you when I reach the Oval Office. Guaranteed. End of story.


[Our future first lady: Finally the Washington Monument
makes sense. Wow! Rrrowr! Hubba hubba!]

One Fell Swoop: Solving Health Care, Social Security, and Defense - There’s only one way to make sure that we can protect our nation through serial invasions, balance the budget, keep Social Security on its feet, and provide affordable health care to all Americans: Raise the minimum age for military enlistment to 60, and make it compulsory. With experienced seniors on the front lines, everybody wins: Our senior soldiers will get their housing and free meals, our mechanized military will make most of their physical infirmities a non-issue, and there will be an inevitable (and regrettable, of course) thinning of the approaching, stampeding, benefits-hungry Baby Boomer herd. Medicare and other insurance rates will plummet, leaving room in the budget for health care for all. I’ll make sure we Leave No Senior Behind (at least when heading into battle).