Baghdad (F.A. wire) - The U.S. may not have found any actual weapons of mass destruction in Iraq yet, but at least one non-lethal weapon was discovered this month: The lack of any WMDs coupled with the administration’s continuing insistence that such weapons exist has produced an odd and devastating paralyzing ray which has been aimed directly at American lawmakers, reporters, and pundits. The resulting paralysis is not total, but it’s effective enough to keep all criticism muted and conditional.

An expert analysis of the ray has found that its power supply may be limitless, and could easily remain operational until long after the 2004 elections.

“The Paralysis Ray draws it’s power from what we call ‘future friction’,” said Fanatical Apathy science editor Dr. Arthur A. Tative, “It is always at least possible that WMDs will be found in Iraq at some point, which means it’s impossible to prove that they are not there.” As long as the two components of the Ray’s power source remain in place (the lack of weapons and the insistence that weapons are there), the American public will have little ability to move from their position of slightly uneasy credulity.

“Assuming the Bush Administration maintains its position that these thousands of gallons of chemical and biological weaponry are there, there are only two possibilities,” said Dr. Tative, “One: that WMD’s are found, which would deactivate the Ray while proving the administration right. Or Two: That WMD’s are not found, leaving the Ray operational while proving the administration… not wrong.”

Inquiries about the Ray’s effects were sent out to 1,300 columnists, reporters, and prominent Democrats. As of yet, no replies have been received.