J. Lo: “Who?”

One of the burdens of possessing an E-List level of fame (just below D-List, which is reserved for local weathermen and former “Jeopardy” contestants) is that you have to provide all of your own Hot Celebrity Gossip. Liz Smith doesn’t notice what you do, unless you steal her wallet (and even then she’s just as likely to dispatch one of her people to retrieve it and they’ll use excessive force and press charges even though you were clearly only putting a business card in it and had every intention of giving it back to her…). And you can’t rely on your fan club, because it’s, well, imaginary.

So, no, there’s not really anything between J. Lo and me. I guess I’ve seen her in a few movies, and my general feeling is that she’s bizarrely inaudible - rather than utilizing her singing voice, she opts for the smoky, seductive tones of an urban, emphysemic Marge Simpson. And her opinion of me is probably as unformed as that of the snippy guy over at “Us” magazine who seems to think that “Stop calling here!” is an acceptable salutation (note to Snippy Guy: It’s not. I’ll call and explain.).

Until my Presidential campaign really gets rolling, then, I’ll have to keep you updated myself. Here’s the latest hot gossip - the stuff that Adam Felber doesn’t want you to know (yes I do):

- “The Next Big Broadway Musical” will be returning to the New York stage, beginning on June 13th, at Don’t Tell Mama. Come see the greatest fully-improvised musical the world has ever known, and please come by afterwards and offer me the traditional greeting of my people (a bourbon on the rocks).

- Congratulations to Carl Kasell and Mary Ann Foster on their upcoming nuptials! Carl officiated my wedding this December, and this weekend I’ll be doing a reading at his (Peter Sagal will be officiating). This will, regrettably, put an end to Carl and Adam’s infamous “bachelor rampages.” I’ll provide you with all the sordid details of the NPR-centric debauchery when I return.

- Congratulations to longtime Felber-friend Chris Knutsen, managing editor of the brand-new Radar Magazine. The first issue just hit the stands, and it looks very promising. Chris’ last magazine-editing gig was back in the 90’s, when he helped bring a little-known mag called “The New Yorker” to national prominence.

- I’ll be wrapping up my spring stint as writing instructor for Princeton U.’s legendary Triangle Club. If I did my job well, these extremely talented youngsters will come away with the impression that they really should avoid seeking a career in comedy writing. Otherwise, I’m screwed.