New Novel
Now that I’ve completed my first novel (some lucky editor should be buying it soon), it’s time to begin work on my next opus. I’ve just completed an outline for the first of a seven volume autobiographical novel entitled “Remembrance of Things Plastic.” Premise: Having espied a half-eaten Hostess Twinkie on a paper towel, I am suddenly transported into minutely detailed recollections of my boyhood on Long Island…

Secure Lucrative Iraqi Rebuilding Contracts
There has to be a need for “establishing a viable punditocracy” or “repairing vital sitcom infrastructure” in Iraq. If my applications are accepted, I’ll be rolling in millions of the US government’s dollars. Thanks in advance, taxpayers!

Uncle Adam
Quite a few of my friends are new parents. Some of their babies appear to be inside of bodies, others are the external models. I’m not sure how that works, but they all seem pretty happy about it. (Congratulations to Steve, Alyssa, Chris, Rebecca, Chris, Nuar, Emmy, Greg, Bryan, Rachael, Hank, Betsy, Peter, Beth, Chris, Karen, et al.) My job, as near as I can tell, is to perfect my role as the fun, irresponsible, and vaguely creepy Uncle Adam. The kind of guy whom your kids love, but not quite reliable-seeming enough to request frequent baby-sitting help from.

Trying to Love “The Matrix Reloaded”
This won’t be easy. The unmotivated action scenes, the over-written and besides-the-point pontificating, the under-written dialog concerning the plot, the oddly Old Hollywood score, and the inexplicable choice of the (virtual) 20th century-raised residents of Zion to create a society based on “Mad Max - Beyond Thunderdome” makes this a hard movie to love. I’ll have to work on it.

House of the Holey
At some point, one must decide that certain pairs of socks and undergarments aren’t even acceptable for “laundry day” or “night alone” duty. It has been a while since I’ve been able to bring myself to make the hard choices concerning intimate clothing that has served me well but is long past retirement age. Probably since 9/11, come to think of it. Coincidence?

Presidential Campaign
Whoops! Almost forgot this one. I’m running for President. I don’t see it as a new job so much as a strategic synergy, a platform upon which to further other aspects of my career. Tip o’ the hat to Dick Cheney for giving me the idea.